Greatest Hits
I’ve been going back through older blog posts because I am gradually adding to my myspace account (yes, I caved, but don’t worry, I am being cautious and it has gotten me back in touch with some old friends, so whatcha gonna do? Dress me up in a chicken suit and call me a hypocrite) But it has given me an opportunity to see how funny I actually am…in writing. It is curious to me, especially in my current doldrums, how these moments of humorous inspiration hit me. How are the ideas generated? Where do they come from? Why am I at the mercy of moods which affect my thinking and ability to be humorous? So in these days of monotony, callers with endless stupidity, and constant days of nonsensical jabbering only broken by cold silence let’s look back on some of the highlights (lowlights) of previous posts. Think of it like the “best of…” episodes run by sitcoms when they have run low on humorous stories or ideas and need a week (or month) off. At the end, remember to hum to yourself Green Day’s “Good Riddance”.
Shall I do this in chronological order or like a countdown of my favorites? Hmm…I think I will go with the latter which will force me to use some cognitive thinking, remember kids, it is not what you learn in school, but how you learneded it. What the F, that’s the second time in 4 hours that the Star Wars theme has come up on my iPod, what is wrong with this thing?? What is wrong with me for leaving it on here?? (See, random statements…not so funny) Should I admit to you that the next track on the iPod set to shuffle is Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House”. Yeah, I need to look into not putting every single song I have on it.
Now this may take some time to go through all of these so bare with me. I am a little scare to find how many typos and just plain misspellings I will find. Needless to say, it will be close to the triple digits…wow, I am finding it hard to even understand myself. That explains so much, you just don’t know. Now on with the hits:
Track 1:
I love to know where things have come from, where they’ve been, how they got there. And I mean everything, old buildings, people, a bolt, a Popsicle stick, this chair I’m sitting in. Where was it made? Who made it? Who’s sat in it? How many farts have passed through its mesh lining?
Track 2:
As you can tell by now…I tend to go off on tangents, bare with me, maybe this medium, and modern word processing technology, will help me fix that problem. (that hasn’t happened yet, has it?)
Track 3:
Oh, the classics…but that walk down nostalgia lane only shows how covertly the Televisions wooed our senses, brainwashed our thoughts, and made us long to be able to jump over tall fences, talk to really short people in robot costumes, and walk into a bar and have everyone know your name (first sign that you might be an alcoholic – seek treatment).
Track 4:
I actually went without cable for a year of my adult life, back to rabbit ears, and all that did was get me addicted to broadcast network TV shows. Don’t get me wrong, I certain wish I was lost on a freaky island with Kate, Claire, Shannon, and Libby…but I have a feeling that when the truth is revealed on that show, it will all have been one big giant commercial ad for Honda.
Track 5:
So that should give you some idea where this observation is coming from…but back to the topic at hand, which I have no idea what it is anymore…thanks for playing along.
Track 6:
what will happen when we get to a point where we are talking to people by cell-phone, or atom-phone, or implant-a-phone, to a person right next to us. Or when we don’t recognized our own children when we run into them that one day we just so happen to be in our house at the same time.
Track 7:
I recently got a Bluetooth hands-free headset for my cell phone and it totally kicks ass. Now I can blog, chat, e-mail, drive, look pompous, talk on my cell phone, talk to other people, talk to myself without looking crazy, all with this fashionable earpiece dangling from one ear.
Track 8:
Too much of anything is bad for you…water = drown, sun = dehydration, alcohol = alcohol poisoning, The Brady Bunch = an overwhelming feeling Marsha is always stealing your thunder that leads to a mental breakdown and intervention by Peter who seems to be the only person who noticed, at which point Alice comes in and discovers the dog is missing and blames you for not being responsible enough.
Track 9:
I need noises so abundant that my entire body vibrates with the voracity of a jet fighter flying at mach 2. I need my eyes spinning, jittering, bouncing 80 times a second that one day I will have to bob my head up and down like a bird just to see straight. Surround sound…how about surround vision? When’s that SV-TV going to be available to the consumer market? Imagine your TV viewing as if it were in an iMax theater
Track 10:
Although crazy Astronaut lady probably could have taken care of this all online, without having to drive non-stop along I-10 in diapers to meet the other woman at the airport….the AIRPORT, really? That one place in Orlando where the security personnel don’t look like Mickey Mouse and are probably more abundant than at the Magic Kingdom?
Track 11:
Now, we as men know that women express their affection in their own way, which usually involves (in no particular order) a lot of crying, sighing, gazing, giggling, and hysterics, often all in the span 20 seconds.
Track 12:
Now sit back in your comfy la-z-boy and watch the crumble of the western world right before your half-closed eyes…unless you are watching Fox News, then everything is fine.
Track 13:
If a camera was following me around, I doubt my family would even watch. They would use it to torture double-agent, MI-6, double oh, gentlemen spies right after they were told the highly elaborate global take-over plans by an obviously nicknamed villain.
Wow, good times, I hope you enjoyed reading some of the highlights from the past 6 months as much as I did. Look for more disc sets to follow…
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Friday, June 1, 2007
MY LIST: June
June's artist: Ben Folds
Let me take a minute to describe the brilliance of Ben Folds. As mentioned before, Ben Folds and his former band, Ben Folds Five (consisting of 3 members, go figure), was discovered by yours truly via a Counting Crows lyric (back when CC was still artsy-pop) in a song called Monkey, “Got no where but home to go/ Got Ben Folds on my radio right now”, and with publicity like that, I am sure I am not alone. About that time, BFF had just released Whatever and Ever Amen, possible one of the Top 10 albums of all time…all time being my formative lifetime of music listening. However, not to be overlooked is BFF’s self-titled debut album, a masterpiece in its own right. I was recently listening to this album and got to thinking about how each song had a verse that blew my mind away. Later I will share them in list format - I can tell you are excited.
Out of the North Caroline and East Coast clubs, Ben Folds ventured into solo status after his third and final BFF release, The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner. Clearly Ben was the song writing juggernaut behind the band and the departure was much needed. Solo life allowed Ben Folds to spread his wings and control his creativity to avenues not limited by heavy bass or thumping drums. No longer was it necessary to mimic punk acts or bang on the piano with all day enthusiasm. Rockin’ the Suburbs retained many of Folds’ standards of rockin’ piano and personal storytelling, but included ballads of narratives and everyday sadness.
Folds’ live shows have always been sweat producing, awe inspiring, ad-libbed sets that allowed everyone to feel like they were just watching a friend jump on top of a piano, who hasn’t seen one of their friends do that? Stripped down stages, small clubs, and lack of pomp and circumstance that surround most modern day rock stars, a status Folds would rather not self-label, is the key to Folds’ popularity in the sub-pop culture. Ben took to touring solo and released Ben Folds Live, just a man and a piano, with a little audience assisting participation. The album is one of the best live shows you can find by any artist with or without backing.
In recent years, Ben Folds looks to release EP albums consisting of songs-as-he-goes that show his maturing as a musician. He is not afraid to take a risk, including collaboration with William Shatner or movie score composer or rap covers, but most times they pay off while remaining true to himself. So, if you have never checked out Ben Folds, do it now…go ahead…see that video below? Go watch it…now!
Song that will change your life: Best Imitation of Myself
Other tracks that you must listen to: Philosophy, Brick, The Last Polka, Kate, There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You, Bastard, Still Fighting It, Landed, The Luckiest
Hidden Tracks: In Between Days, Song for the Dumped, Battle of Who Could Care Less, Fred Jones, Not the Same, One Down
Lyrics that will blow your mind for Ben Folds Five self-titled debut album:
“Stop the bus/ I wanna be lonely/ when seconds pass slow/ and years go flying by”
“and I dragged you up the stairs/ and I told you to fly/ you were flapping your arms/ you started to cry, you were too high”
“do you think I should take a class to lose my southern accent / did I make me up or make a face till it stuck / I do the best imitation of myself”
“well, she crept back in the house at half past 3 / shook her head to see him snoring in his sleep/ ‘if you really loved me,’ she said / ‘I wouldn’t have to be so mean’”
Let me take a minute to describe the brilliance of Ben Folds. As mentioned before, Ben Folds and his former band, Ben Folds Five (consisting of 3 members, go figure), was discovered by yours truly via a Counting Crows lyric (back when CC was still artsy-pop) in a song called Monkey, “Got no where but home to go/ Got Ben Folds on my radio right now”, and with publicity like that, I am sure I am not alone. About that time, BFF had just released Whatever and Ever Amen, possible one of the Top 10 albums of all time…all time being my formative lifetime of music listening. However, not to be overlooked is BFF’s self-titled debut album, a masterpiece in its own right. I was recently listening to this album and got to thinking about how each song had a verse that blew my mind away. Later I will share them in list format - I can tell you are excited.
Out of the North Caroline and East Coast clubs, Ben Folds ventured into solo status after his third and final BFF release, The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner. Clearly Ben was the song writing juggernaut behind the band and the departure was much needed. Solo life allowed Ben Folds to spread his wings and control his creativity to avenues not limited by heavy bass or thumping drums. No longer was it necessary to mimic punk acts or bang on the piano with all day enthusiasm. Rockin’ the Suburbs retained many of Folds’ standards of rockin’ piano and personal storytelling, but included ballads of narratives and everyday sadness.
Folds’ live shows have always been sweat producing, awe inspiring, ad-libbed sets that allowed everyone to feel like they were just watching a friend jump on top of a piano, who hasn’t seen one of their friends do that? Stripped down stages, small clubs, and lack of pomp and circumstance that surround most modern day rock stars, a status Folds would rather not self-label, is the key to Folds’ popularity in the sub-pop culture. Ben took to touring solo and released Ben Folds Live, just a man and a piano, with a little audience assisting participation. The album is one of the best live shows you can find by any artist with or without backing.
In recent years, Ben Folds looks to release EP albums consisting of songs-as-he-goes that show his maturing as a musician. He is not afraid to take a risk, including collaboration with William Shatner or movie score composer or rap covers, but most times they pay off while remaining true to himself. So, if you have never checked out Ben Folds, do it now…go ahead…see that video below? Go watch it…now!
Song that will change your life: Best Imitation of Myself
Other tracks that you must listen to: Philosophy, Brick, The Last Polka, Kate, There’s Always Someone Cooler Than You, Bastard, Still Fighting It, Landed, The Luckiest
Hidden Tracks: In Between Days, Song for the Dumped, Battle of Who Could Care Less, Fred Jones, Not the Same, One Down
Lyrics that will blow your mind for Ben Folds Five self-titled debut album:
“Stop the bus/ I wanna be lonely/ when seconds pass slow/ and years go flying by”
“and I dragged you up the stairs/ and I told you to fly/ you were flapping your arms/ you started to cry, you were too high”
“do you think I should take a class to lose my southern accent / did I make me up or make a face till it stuck / I do the best imitation of myself”
“well, she crept back in the house at half past 3 / shook her head to see him snoring in his sleep/ ‘if you really loved me,’ she said / ‘I wouldn’t have to be so mean’”
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Not So Deep Thoughts III
- No offense to anyone in Gaza, but death by drowning in a sewage flood might be one of the worst ways to die. Not that any way is really all that good.
- I think I’m going to start walking around pretending to talk on my cell phone so that it looks like I’m popular…or at least mildly important.
- Are people really getting that bad at geography and becoming that lazy that we need cars to tell us where to go now? This is just the first step in the complete take over of the world by The Machines. Terminator? Matrix anyone? Those are just possible future documentaries.
- Would it be inappropriate and/or morbid to send an e-vite for your own funeral?
- I wonder what percentage of the world really gives a crap what happens to you.
- Anticipation is the best and worst feeling ever
- It is hard to hold your head up when you have no reason to
- “One day I’m going to grow wings – a chemical reaction.” Some days I wish Radiohead songs would come true.
- How many ways can you come up with to distract you mind from thoughts you don’t want to be thinking? (still not enough)
- Some things just can’t be avoided, like all the forces in the universe are tag teaming against you – and they are all on steroids.
- Boots in the summer? Times keep on achangin’.
- What’s the Russian word for “idiot” because I am sure it is exactly what I need to hear and probably sounds much more ruthless, scary, and appropriate than “idiot”
- Why does everything sound more creep when it is said by a monotone computer voice reading text.
- Anything made in the ‘70s just seems funny to me now: horror movies, TV shows, clothes….me. Fortunately they didn’t have hi-def TV or recording equipment…your children are going to hate you about 20 years from now.
- Anyone else worried that the girl in the Will Farrell landlord video is going to grow up to be just like Lindsey Lohan?
- Everyone is so impatient…most of you probably didn’t even make it to this thought (note to self, never embed links to funny videos on youtube, readers will never come back)
- Why do kids make everything seem so much more humorous?
- I’m sorry for everything I have done wrong to anyone I know.
- I think I’m going to start walking around pretending to talk on my cell phone so that it looks like I’m popular…or at least mildly important.
- Are people really getting that bad at geography and becoming that lazy that we need cars to tell us where to go now? This is just the first step in the complete take over of the world by The Machines. Terminator? Matrix anyone? Those are just possible future documentaries.
- Would it be inappropriate and/or morbid to send an e-vite for your own funeral?
- I wonder what percentage of the world really gives a crap what happens to you.
- Anticipation is the best and worst feeling ever
- It is hard to hold your head up when you have no reason to
- “One day I’m going to grow wings – a chemical reaction.” Some days I wish Radiohead songs would come true.
- How many ways can you come up with to distract you mind from thoughts you don’t want to be thinking? (still not enough)
- Some things just can’t be avoided, like all the forces in the universe are tag teaming against you – and they are all on steroids.
- Boots in the summer? Times keep on achangin’.
- What’s the Russian word for “idiot” because I am sure it is exactly what I need to hear and probably sounds much more ruthless, scary, and appropriate than “idiot”
- Why does everything sound more creep when it is said by a monotone computer voice reading text.
- Anything made in the ‘70s just seems funny to me now: horror movies, TV shows, clothes….me. Fortunately they didn’t have hi-def TV or recording equipment…your children are going to hate you about 20 years from now.
- Anyone else worried that the girl in the Will Farrell landlord video is going to grow up to be just like Lindsey Lohan?
- Everyone is so impatient…most of you probably didn’t even make it to this thought (note to self, never embed links to funny videos on youtube, readers will never come back)
- Why do kids make everything seem so much more humorous?
- I’m sorry for everything I have done wrong to anyone I know.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Not So Deep Thoughts II
Things have been hectic at work, I will be having nightmares about telephones ringing for the next 3 weeks I'm sure. (Speaking of which....) so I've only had time to type up some random thoughts I've had over the past week, so here's your next edition of "not-so-deep thoughts":
- Since when did car horns go from being a instrument of warning to a tool of showing interest in the opposite sex?
- I'm going to start handing flyers to people who hand out flyers expressing my dislike for people who hand out flyers, although I respect their right to do so.
- I wonder how miss manners would feel about talking on your cell phone while eating with someone else at the table, I will ask her as soon as she gets off the phone.
- When are togas going to come back in style?
- I feel if you are going to protest something, at least get more than 10 people to commit, because you know at least 5 or 6 are going to phone it in.
- Why do they have protests on college campuses? I mean that's not the voting demographic that is really going to make a difference in this country's leadership.
- No president knows everything about everything...the problem is when there is one who know very little about very few things.
- Does Santa really use msn messenger and where do they get off making that claim?
- Can you ever have too many hanging folders?
- The supply officers of any company have all the power except...
- Keys are the keys to power, the more you have, the more powerful you are. Janitorial staff are the most powerful people in any building and most of them don't even know it. And without them, the industrialized world would come to a scretching halt.
- Hospitals promote the class hierarchical establishment by requiring uniforms of different colors. But if I'm in medical need, get me one of those people with white coats 'cause I don't want my life in the hands of those purple people. (honestly I really don't know what the different colors mean and this is for humor purposes only, so if you are a purple person, I apologies, especially if you could save my life)
- Are all blogs really this preachy? Am I saying anything new here that hasn't been already written by a 15 year old freshmen high school student in a creative writing class with a project due tomorrow morning and just goes and makes things up to turn in?
- Is this really worth your time reading? At some point I might actually put something educational on here.
- Since when did car horns go from being a instrument of warning to a tool of showing interest in the opposite sex?
- I'm going to start handing flyers to people who hand out flyers expressing my dislike for people who hand out flyers, although I respect their right to do so.
- I wonder how miss manners would feel about talking on your cell phone while eating with someone else at the table, I will ask her as soon as she gets off the phone.
- When are togas going to come back in style?
- I feel if you are going to protest something, at least get more than 10 people to commit, because you know at least 5 or 6 are going to phone it in.
- Why do they have protests on college campuses? I mean that's not the voting demographic that is really going to make a difference in this country's leadership.
- No president knows everything about everything...the problem is when there is one who know very little about very few things.
- Does Santa really use msn messenger and where do they get off making that claim?
- Can you ever have too many hanging folders?
- The supply officers of any company have all the power except...
- Keys are the keys to power, the more you have, the more powerful you are. Janitorial staff are the most powerful people in any building and most of them don't even know it. And without them, the industrialized world would come to a scretching halt.
- Hospitals promote the class hierarchical establishment by requiring uniforms of different colors. But if I'm in medical need, get me one of those people with white coats 'cause I don't want my life in the hands of those purple people. (honestly I really don't know what the different colors mean and this is for humor purposes only, so if you are a purple person, I apologies, especially if you could save my life)
- Are all blogs really this preachy? Am I saying anything new here that hasn't been already written by a 15 year old freshmen high school student in a creative writing class with a project due tomorrow morning and just goes and makes things up to turn in?
- Is this really worth your time reading? At some point I might actually put something educational on here.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Not So Deep Thoughts I
Here are just a few of the thoughts that come to me over the course of a few weeks that do not warrant a full blog post but might get you thinking, not really pondering, just thinking...
- If it is going to be 18° F, we should be able to deny global warming no matter how many scientists say its happening.
- When Lloyd Dobler said kickboxing was the sport of the future in "Say Anything", I think he meant Ultimate Fighting, because he would have been spot on.
- When something goes around and comes around, what does it go around? A mountain?
- Public baths are now disguised as pools
- Underwater basket weaving doesn’t sound like a very easy class to take, in fact, I think it would be quite difficult.
- The Hatsfields and the McCoys should have settled their differences like most American families…on the “Family Feud” – “Survey Says…”
- When did straight brimmed caps become popular?
- Why do we reenact wars? Didn’t enough people die the first time around?
- You would run faster if Nike Shox really shocked you.
- Not enough people give toasts that involve everyone in the bar anymore
- History’s first news media outlet = some guy yelling from atop a box – not much has changed.
- Ever feel like you are using the force when you are walking through automatic doors or am I alone on this?
- Can the Oscars win an Emmy? I think so. Could the Emmys ever win an Oscar? Maybe in the documentary category.
- I would be curious to find out the percentage of people who actually work a full five day work week. That half-day for your “dentist” appointment doesn’t count.
- How many people do you know would give up their cell phones if it was found they shortened your life expectancy? Really? That many? Hmm, I would doubt that.
- What else can we pour hot water over to make really bad tasting water?
- 7-Eleven is promoting “Energized Coffee”; does coffee need to be any more energized?
- If it is going to be 18° F, we should be able to deny global warming no matter how many scientists say its happening.
- When Lloyd Dobler said kickboxing was the sport of the future in "Say Anything", I think he meant Ultimate Fighting, because he would have been spot on.
- When something goes around and comes around, what does it go around? A mountain?
- Public baths are now disguised as pools
- Underwater basket weaving doesn’t sound like a very easy class to take, in fact, I think it would be quite difficult.
- The Hatsfields and the McCoys should have settled their differences like most American families…on the “Family Feud” – “Survey Says…”
- When did straight brimmed caps become popular?
- Why do we reenact wars? Didn’t enough people die the first time around?
- You would run faster if Nike Shox really shocked you.
- Not enough people give toasts that involve everyone in the bar anymore
- History’s first news media outlet = some guy yelling from atop a box – not much has changed.
- Ever feel like you are using the force when you are walking through automatic doors or am I alone on this?
- Can the Oscars win an Emmy? I think so. Could the Emmys ever win an Oscar? Maybe in the documentary category.
- I would be curious to find out the percentage of people who actually work a full five day work week. That half-day for your “dentist” appointment doesn’t count.
- How many people do you know would give up their cell phones if it was found they shortened your life expectancy? Really? That many? Hmm, I would doubt that.
- What else can we pour hot water over to make really bad tasting water?
- 7-Eleven is promoting “Energized Coffee”; does coffee need to be any more energized?
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