Not So Deep Thoughts IV

Just a few things that have been on my mind lately…when I’ve been consciences enough to think (which might explain why these aren’t really all that coherent)

-          We should create literal objects that are used in figurative speech…like timetable, put a clock in a table. The rat race, make rat racing popular by showing it on ESPN2. We'll do this just to mess with people so they can’t figure out which one we are talking about.

-          Hey, Stephen A. Smith, the louder you scream does not make you more right.

-          I’m sure someone has said this before but, people who start a sentence with “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” or “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…” are about the say or do exactly what they don’t mean to say or do. It is even worse than just saying or doing what you don’t mean to say or do because you are acknowledging the fact you are about to say or do exactly what you don’t mean to do. I’d rather you just tell me I have a face that looks like Chris Christie’s ball sack and not know you are being rude.

-          I often wonder if I’m that friend in the group that is the one that everyone else thinks is just a huge dork and is trying way too hard, like Andre from “The League” or Cliff from “Cheers” or Cricket from “It’s Always Sunny…” Oh well, guess I’ll go back to wearing my fedora hat spouting random trivia and fawning over Dee (also, see first thought, that should explain a lot)

-          Where is the reality TV show about the making of a movie about reality TV shows?

-          My headphones are lying on the floor in the shape of a brontosaurus head (sorry, Apatosaurus)…no kidding, it’s a little scary. I just hope it doesn’t sneeze on me (right, Adriana Richards?)

-          I’m a little worried that I cannot remember ANYTHING past 1998, curse you on-demand information. I can list for you my childhood phone number, every player by position on the 1990 world champion Cincinnati Reds team (even Hal Morris who came in as a defensive sub at 1^st base to catch the Rickey Henderson pop-out to win the decisive game 4 sweep!), the cast members of the Breakfast Club, the afternoon line-up of cartoons on fox, and can describe for you my elementary school Christmas play in great detail, I, of course, was a dashing toy soldier. Ask me to name 2/3^rd of the cast of the Avengers and I’d blankly stare at your face.

-          I’m pretty sure that 60% of the time you’ll find me wearing two different socks, because I get dressed in the dark, which probably says a lot.

-          I’m sure if Superman had known what Margot Kidder was to become, he would have never spun the earth in the opposite direction and turned back time to save her from that earthquake. Speaking of which, how much reality do you have to suspend to believe that that could actually happen, if anything, the Earth would have been really fucked up and all out of wack.

-          I’m not sure that my students are thinking the same thing as me when I mention “fiscal cliff.”

-          At what age does it become embarrassing to play with LEGOs? And why is it less acceptable than building a model “Helm’s Deep?”

-          I’m just waiting for 1980s fashion to come back so I can stop laughing at old pictures (of myself) and start laughing at actual people. 1980s comedies are comical for a whole different reason now-a-days. Sorry, Cory Haim, R.I.P.

-          Flat tires blow!

-          When Bigfoot gets lonely, she shaves and does a movie under the name Mickey Rourke

-          If we didn’t have daylight savings, would everything just go dark?

-          I say we just get rid of leap day and let things just play out, see if we can really adjust to subtle changes, you know, to help us prepare for global warming.

It’s All Been Done Before

I know, I know. You are thinking, ‘Rick, where is my dose of humorous exposition on the human culture that has been so absent from my life?’ It has been some time since my last wispy and witty repartee of words, but I have found it difficult lately to bring myself to force good nature and musing on life, culture, and the world. With class, work (don’t get me started – Rick concentrate on happy thoughts – serenity now!), oh, and Iraq, dog mauling, and aging bridges, all make it difficult to pen perky prose. Secondly, what to write on? Work? No. Definitely no. Life? Not much happening right now, in the eye of the storm. Pop culture? Do we need another exposé on over-exposed ex-celebrities? Rehab? Again? If it didn’t work the first two times… Maybe prison will work – wait – isn’t Paris still a snobbish socialite? Anyway…boring same ol’

Speaking of which, I have been thinking of different topics to write on and I came up with the idea of balance, and how life and relationships are all about balance. Guess what? Been there done that. So now I am recycling ideas without even knowing it, that’s scary. Must mean I really believe in that idea. But it brings me back to ideas, makes me wonder how writers come up with shows, movies, stories, books, or….blogs. But more power too them. I am not one to reflect or ponder life’s mysteries or keep a running self-dialog, journal, or diary. And far too often my thoughts come and go like the sun where ideas surface then sink away to the under hemisphere of my brain. For some reason, my best ideas come as I am falling asleep, when I attempt to distract myself from life just so I can fall into unconsciousness. Last night I came up with the new season plot for ‘24’, it involves sending an inaudible signal pulse through cell phone towers that can cause death to anyone who is currently talking on a cell phone at that time – around 5:58pm, beep, beep, beep, beep, boop. Now that would take out a lot of people, but don’t worry, Jack Bower will save the day and catch the bad guys…maybe, you will have to watch and see – if I ever get a job writing for Fox, which is highly unlikely. But if any of you are writers for a big studio, please ignore all the above comments relating to lack of ideas, I have a plethora of creative and real situations that can be dramatic, comical, or world ending...or all the above. I'm available for freelance work.

But if you look at the ever-expanding exposition they call film and tv, books and magazines, music and, well, music, it can be argued that it, in fact, has all been done before. Look up Barenaked Ladies or the Ryan Montbleau Band, The Forgery, or the large library of volumes covering ways to avoid doing what has been done before. Evidence: the vast motion pictures that are remakes, updates, or regurgitated storylines. Not to mention the copycat films that try to ride the popularity of other successes. See Harry Potter – The Chronicle of Narnia – The Golden Compass, 300 – Beowulf – 10000 BC, Di Vinci Code – National Treasure, and I’m pretty sure every horror movie is based on the same story – like a horror story bible or something. It makes you wonder if we will reach the capacity of human creative thought. Fortunately that looks like it is well off in the future with the advances in technology providing a whole new plethora of inspiration. In fact that could be a movie idea right there. Maybe it can be called “10,000 BCE” – Earth at the year 10,000 where humans are joined by other species with audible communication that can be translated and spoken, the weather is controlled, and no one can come up with a unique idea for a movie, book, or song. One ice age has come and gone, humans survived by going subterranean and cities span below and above ground and discrimination is based on where you live. Of course current undertones and moral questions will arise within the futuristic setting like racism, war and peace, and greed. Done and done. That movie almost writes itself, consider that idea #2 all you Hollywood writers, copyright: me. Consider that a pitch, contact me for script writing employment.

Expectations

Yet another relative term, expectations can change even the smallest of situations. Preconceived notions regarding an event in anticipation of what is to come can distort reality and leave a person unfulfilled. From a wedding, a start of something new, a new job, to something as simple as a movie or a book, if expectations are not achieved, we are disappointed. I say this on the eve of the newest, and last, Harry Potter installment (don’t spoil it for me – but my prediction is they both die). But you could say this about anything with high expectations, such as the latter Star Wars trilogy (complete blew). But even on a smaller scale to the individual, big events never seem to live up the expectations because we can never predict exactly how something will turn out (hmm, on this trip to San Francisco I think I will save the world, get the girl, receive universal praise and admiration, and blow them away with my powerpoint presentation at the share holders meeting). But how can we avoid expectations? Our mind creates expectations to prepare itself for a coming event (what do you mean the reception will be on a blimp?) What becomes dangerous is the constant distraction and brain power used to establish our expectations (I will be old and retired in forty years! What will I do in between sleeping and napping?!?)

Conversely, low expectations allow for pleasant surprises (oh, this mysterious, unpronounceable dish didn’t kill me…nice). How often have you entered a movie theater where Keanu Reeves is the star and expected to be blown away? (Enter the Matrix) We have low expectations in some cases for good reason, but give the Matrix credit for surprising a hella lot a people. (raise your hand if you saw a spoof of the roof top bullet scene) How many times do you watch a video, navigate to the website, read reviews, search on google, ask friends before going out on a date – I mean, see a movie? (Modern dating? I'm pretty sure it used to be considered stalking) That might be a good indication that you may have high expectations.

I have fallen into this despair on several occasions, and what I have learned, nothing ever turns out how you expect it – too many variables. (I was never good at math) But some expectations are unavoidable, my advice to you, keep an open mind, adapt to situations easily but to your advantage, and do not fret when expectations do not meet your high standards (that way when the event fails to reach your expectations you can skip out during the intermission and be home by the time Lost comes on) And that’s today’s word.

Tragic Trilogies

I admit it - I love blockbuster, high-priced, world-ending, summer movies. Anything that has cars flipping, sabers clashing, and fire – lots and lots of fire – accompanied with LOUD NOISES. Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Mann must be taking cues from my head. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional documentary about penguins or global warming, or dramadies involving comedians branching out (Little Miss Sunshine, Stranger than Fiction), or foreign film (Amelie, Downfall, Joyeux Noel), but for pure entertainment value, I have to go with meteors falling from space and ending life as we know it, or alien invasions, or dinosaur DNA from mosquitoes, or bad remakes (a glaring eye your way King Kong). What they really need to do is to make a film that follows all those movies after the devastation because for some reason at the end of all those movies, everyone is happy - cheerful orchestra music is playing, fireworks, and inspiring speeches – but seriously, like half the world’s population is gone, Paris: whipped out, DC: in ruins, New Orleans: under water (oh, wait, that wasn’t a movie and there was no happy ending), do you think those aliens did have reserves they could call up, put into service for 4 or 5 tours of duty? Come on, that’s just good military tactics – keep sending troops until the people you are trying to conquer give up, pack there bags and say, “oh well.” Those movies never end like that so I’m sure that what the follow up would show would be the aliens or robots coming down after the entire planet has been devastated by city destroying weapons or meteor impact created natural disasters and enslaving the remaining resistance. But no one wants to see that movie. Speaking of which, on to the rant for this post…sequels - more specifically - trilogy sequels.

In most cases sequels are alright, some are even better than the original (I’m looking at you Spidey). But in certain situations, a sequel becomes a trilogy and bad things happen, very bad things. I speak of this because over the weekend I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Don’t get me wrong, for entertaining, mindless entertainment, it was pretty decent, similar to its predecessor, Dead Man’s Chest. But I discovered a disturbing trend of trilogies of this kind. First, Keira Knightly can’t act, and second, when a movie is aware of its on popularity it will implode on itself. Let us take a look at the trends established in history that followed similar paths, at least the ones that I can recall. Now, not all trilogies are the same, in this particular scenario, they are trilogies that released the first act as a singular, successful, and complete debut. Upon large buzz and/or box office returns, the executives choose to “capitalize” on the profit making juggernauts. This in turn drives said executives to make 2 sequels at the same time, with the middle installment ending without resolution, or “to be continues…” I am sure some kind mind for you already:

The Matrix – A mind bending, techno thriller about humans being batteries for self-aware machines. OK, so maybe a slight rip off of Terminator but the debut entered with little notice but the story and special effects got word of mouth motoring faster than a Rosie/Hasselbeck feud. Warner Bros. hit gold, a friend of mine got a job, temporarily, and Keanu Reeves got respect, temporarily. References made in the original, such as Zion and the machine city, left openings for future follow-up sequels, along with the superman-phone booth-fly-away-I’m-gonna-get-you-sucka ultimatum ending, but the movie alone was nothing that had ever been experienced before by a mass audience and hard pressed to be matched. Revelations and Revolutions had its moments, I particularly like the transparent twins, but the multi-Smith, yin-yang profit seeing type philosophical ending was convoluted and confusing. Plus style was lost, The Matrix incorporated metallic, green tint, and filters for inside the matrix scenes with vast contrast for ‘real world’ shots. The blend of technology and live action was much more seamless and somehow more believable. The subsequent reincarnations are, as my dear friend puts it, more like video games. Maybe that was the target audience.

Back to the Future – I know comical/sci-fi/timetravel movies should not apply to our critique but this was the first trilogy I can remember actually seeing in the movie theaters and being aghast and dumbfounded at the end of the second film while staring blankly at “To Be Continue…” then to be offered, as if consolation, scenes from the forthcoming, old-west themed “Part III”. Again, the original BTTF brought a unique perspective on the time-tested time travel theme. Blending humor and action, avoiding overly technical time travel explanations, and 50’s era music, BTTF provided family entertainment. The flying Delorean practically had the fans screaming for more. In my opinion, BTTF II actually succeeded as a movie. It expanded the time travel elements to past and future, alternate futures, adding interaction with the first movie scenes, all the while maintaining the humor it was known for. The third installment may have been enjoyed by old-west buffs but I even doubt that. A love story for Doc? Please. A flying train? Just isn’t the same as a Delorean.

POTC – As previously mentioned, Pirates and Swashbuckling are entertaining when you have a Keith Richards inspired Johnny Depp providing comic relief. Where did Pirates go wrong? Story. I was watching the special features of Dead Man’s Chest (the second installment) and up until like 2 weeks before shooting was set to start, they hadn’t a script. I mean, how hard is it to say, ‘Sparrow is tied to long pole and set atop a bonfire – hilarity ensues’? Or ‘put pirates in bad caged ball, dangling over cavernous pit, cut rope – hilarity ensues’? I guess their problem was getting to those situations with an interesting and easy to flow story. Maybe that is a problem for any movie based on an amusement park ride – great ride but not much story can be squeezed from animatronics (anyone else feel they were paying homage to that with Bootstrap Bill in the ship brig scene?). I also don’t think they knew how to end it and I won’t be giving it away here, but my question…what happened to the Kraken (yes, I had to look that one up)? Nevermind, I obviously missed that, hopefully you won’t. OK, so I am being a little harsh on the follow-ups of POTC, they actually are fairly entertaining in their own right, and Johnny Depp is hilarious in all three, but the Will and Elizabeth storyline was just, I don’t know, uninteresting after the first film, and left a lot to be desired…I blame Keira Knightly. Don’t get me wrong, she’s attractive but she can’t act, but she’s young, so either she will improve or we will be exposed to far too many years of her poor acting.

I could go on, but I wanted to point out why these film trilogies are flawed. Unlike other trilogies/sequels, these films aren’t/weren’t franchises, such as comic book characters (Superman, Spider-man) or even emerging franchises like Jurassic Park, Die Hard, or any horror movie that is successful once. But where they really go awry is their popular self-awareness. Most comic book character movies go in knowing they will do well and have multiple sequels, thus the first, ‘foundation’ movie tends to lack in entertainment, whereas movies like The Matrix and POTC basically had one shot to draw in a crowd before sequels were approved. Once that was accomplished, riding on the tail of their own success was easy. Conversely, movies like Rocky, the Bourne series, Oceans, Die Hard, and Lethal Weapon are complete movies, using elements of their predecessors but separate story lines with resolution – for better or worse. Let us hope that Sin City can avoid the pitfalls of the trilogy non-trilogy sequels….and a lot of things blow-up.

Movie Soundtrack

To continue on this theme of musical soundtracks…I thought I would share the ideal soundtrack for my imaginary movie. Let’s say I were to have a movie script that was roughly 75 pages at this point, largely inspired by the following songs, here is what the soundtrack would look like:

‘Peace Like a River’ – Paul Simon
‘Winter’ – Joshua Radin
‘Forever it Tomorrow is Today’ – David Gray
‘She Talks to Angels’ – Black Crowes
‘Freelove’ – Depeche Mode
‘Round Here’ – Counting Crows
‘The Sun’ – Maroon 5
‘The Scientist’ – Coldplay
‘Cleopatra’ – Danny Schmidt
‘Tomorrow Tomorrow’ – Elliott Smith
‘Dimes’ – AJ Roach
‘Tainted Love’ – Softcell
‘Mistakes’ – wONKA bAR
‘King’s Crossing’ – Elliott Smith
‘Each Coming Night’ – Iron and Wine
‘Little Bit Brighter’ – AJ Roach
‘Let Down’ – Radiohead
‘Waltz #1’ – Elliott Smith

The songs may be dated, but so is the imaginary movie. I like to consider them timeless. What would your soundtrack be?