I think we’ve all been in this position before: You recently met someone, a co-worker/classmate/friend of a friend/random acquaintance, and you are at that awkward period…you know what I’m talking about right? When you want to kid around but aren’t sure if you might offend them or maybe let something too personal slip out about yourself, like that time back in middle school when you left the gas on in science class and your teacher came in the next day with a wig and drawn in eyebrows. And how much personal information do you let out? (Disclaimer: The following may or may not be true about myself) “I have a girlfriend/boyfriend but please continue to talk to me.” “I am studying to be a teacher but please do not look at me like I just woke up in a trashcan.” “I enjoy the Harry Potter series but please do not categorize me as one of those types.” “I watch the food network in hi-def because regular def doesn’t make my mouth water like it is suppose to, is that weird?” “I can go entire weekends without ever leaving the house but really, I’m a fun person!”
See there is a certain time when all the above could be shared with someone, but it shares a fine line with the time when you should not share this information with a recent acquaintance. For some, writing personal experiences then posting on a blog or myspace allows for a level of detachment…until someone makes a comment and realize that guy/girl you were interested in and/or they were stalking you, actually read it and left a comment that sent you into involuntary spasms before you could finally remove that post from public existence. For ever reason, this sharing of private information or reaching an informal level of coexistence tends not to be an issue between same gendered individuals. At least for guys, whether you want it or not, guys just tend to be more open when they meet another guy, immediately delving into a past conquest, reminiscing about that time they were in Bangkok and spent a night in jail for public exposure but was finally released with a small donation to the station’s commanding officer’s favorite charity – tax write-off was a bonus.
So I propose that in said situations as described in this post, that men and women, when reaching that level of comfort/non-comfort that if we trust our initial instincts that got us to this point, that no matter what personal information surfaces we not hold it against the other…unless of course you find out he/she enjoys a night full of candles, soft music, and minor torture of stray animals, then maybe it might be time to politely decline that invitation to their next party.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Colbert for President of South Carolina
Colbert for President
I am not sure how many of you actually watch the Colbert Report on Comedy Central but it has to be one of the funniest shows on TV. Where Jon Stewart hosts Daily Show and aims at political awareness, calling politicians out their BS (yes, even the dems), Stephen Colbert drifts the fine line of satire. Colbert overtly plays the Regan-loving, right-wing, egomaniac conservative to a mockery. But where his character ends and the man underneath the suit begins is uncertain. And now he is running for president (as both a democrat and republican) in his home state of South Carolina. Colbert’s popularity is limited to viewers of his cable show and the far too brief appearances at White House press corps dinner, the Emmys, and recently, his book tour interviews – each and every time in character.
What better person to make a mockery of the political election system than a person who enters a race exemplifying many of the same characteristics as the current contenders. Straddling the fence to appeal to the center, reaffirming the status as a republican by sucking up to the religious right, self-praise for accomplishments and accolades presented to them by public commissions and/or media publications, playing a character that is rarely representative of the actual person in hopes to appeal to a mass audience, and charisma in front of an audience and/or camera. Oh, and has written a book about America…that’s critical. In fact, Colbert has a leg up on all those other hopefuls…his own half-hour TV time slot, albeit on cable and off-prime hours. Granted Colbert intends to only run in South Carolina and seldom celebrities make even a minor impact on elections (primary or otherwise). Certainly some celebrities have reached national government, heck, even Colbert’s “idol”, Regan, reached the Presidency but this happens most often after years of lower level public service and pandering to the political machine. Now the Colbert Nation is revving up for a push to make a splash in the SC primary. Whether this is to boost his TV show or actually bring attention to the importance of the primary process (or maybe mutually beneficial), Colbert has already received main stream media coverage on his announcement, which in itself was self-scripted. Either way, Colbert’s entrance into the political fray, satirical or not, will bring much needed humor to a field lacking in everything Colbert can bring.
I am not sure how many of you actually watch the Colbert Report on Comedy Central but it has to be one of the funniest shows on TV. Where Jon Stewart hosts Daily Show and aims at political awareness, calling politicians out their BS (yes, even the dems), Stephen Colbert drifts the fine line of satire. Colbert overtly plays the Regan-loving, right-wing, egomaniac conservative to a mockery. But where his character ends and the man underneath the suit begins is uncertain. And now he is running for president (as both a democrat and republican) in his home state of South Carolina. Colbert’s popularity is limited to viewers of his cable show and the far too brief appearances at White House press corps dinner, the Emmys, and recently, his book tour interviews – each and every time in character.
What better person to make a mockery of the political election system than a person who enters a race exemplifying many of the same characteristics as the current contenders. Straddling the fence to appeal to the center, reaffirming the status as a republican by sucking up to the religious right, self-praise for accomplishments and accolades presented to them by public commissions and/or media publications, playing a character that is rarely representative of the actual person in hopes to appeal to a mass audience, and charisma in front of an audience and/or camera. Oh, and has written a book about America…that’s critical. In fact, Colbert has a leg up on all those other hopefuls…his own half-hour TV time slot, albeit on cable and off-prime hours. Granted Colbert intends to only run in South Carolina and seldom celebrities make even a minor impact on elections (primary or otherwise). Certainly some celebrities have reached national government, heck, even Colbert’s “idol”, Regan, reached the Presidency but this happens most often after years of lower level public service and pandering to the political machine. Now the Colbert Nation is revving up for a push to make a splash in the SC primary. Whether this is to boost his TV show or actually bring attention to the importance of the primary process (or maybe mutually beneficial), Colbert has already received main stream media coverage on his announcement, which in itself was self-scripted. Either way, Colbert’s entrance into the political fray, satirical or not, will bring much needed humor to a field lacking in everything Colbert can bring.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Addiction
Hi, my name is Rick, and I am an addict. I am addicted to addiction. I am a creature of habit and like being addicted to the familiar. Some are addicted to drugs, others to cigarettes or alcohol, or really bad Chinese action films dubbed into English by German bums picked off the street in Dubai. Hey, we all have our place in life. I am addicted to the feeling of comfort that comes with feeding an addiction. I guess that is why my addiction is so prevalent and popular. I have never done drugs, or even smoked a cigarette, but my vices feed the same part of the brain that these other, albeit more harmful, addictions feed. So I thought I would take the time to list my addictions, for what reason, I don’t know, but I’m hoping it will be funny…
…which brings me to my first addiction – humor. I love humor. I love laughing and making people laugh, although the latter is less frequent, so my dream of being a stand-up comic will have to be limited to the scribed form – and even that is up for debate. But come on, who doesn’t enjoy listening to Eddie Murphy’s ‘Raw’, or David Cross, or Dane Cook, endlessly, over and over, until you can do the entire routine to the utter dismay of your significant other. Watching and re-watching Seinfeld, Arrested Development, The Office, and Extras along with movies like Anchorman, Ghostbusters, Wedding Crashers, Monty Python, and Spaceballs leaves me in a state of constant bliss (or at least until reality returns). It’s like my brain must be humored to distract it from how unfunny real life can be. Although real life is pretty funny to, when you stop to watch it.
…which brings me to my next addiction – people watching. Not in that creep voyeuristic kind of way, more in the, hey, I’ve got nothing better to do for the next 15 minutes while I wait for the next available representative at any given state government public services office, so I will watch what people are up to. Nowadays it typically involves cell phones and not paying attention to anything. Although this can lead to humorous situations that include: a person, a cell phone, a comment without context or intent, and another really offended person within earshot. Then you have the whole, “no, I’m sorry, I was talking on my cell phone that is surgically attached to may ear that you could see being only seeing this side of my face.” You also have those people who have headphones growing out of their ears to eventually form a music listening device. Often found humming, unresponsive to the spoken word, and oblivious to traffic and other pedestrians. Somehow music has become their language and no other form of communication will get through. But, their love of music must outweigh their concern for personal safety, interpersonal communication, or their ability to hear things.
…which brings me to my next addiction – listening to my iPod. Yes, I will admit, I can be put into the aforementioned category above. So I enjoy putting my life to music as I move about this world. Plus I am addicted to music. Put them both together and all of a sudden life is like a motion picture with a running soundtrack (which I will blog about in the near future). As previous posts have shown, I reflect on life through music and when I have exhausted all other idea - or I’m feeling lazy - what better default topic than music? So when I am walking through campus or the city, David Gray can put it to music “Life in slow motion somehow it don’t seem real,” Josh Ritter can strum you along your way, and Elliott Smith can comfort you on those rainy days. Don’t get me wrong, the sounds of nature are beautiful, but musicians can enhance your visual experience like no other addiction can. It also keeps you from hearing all those idiotic conversations about celebrities or uninformed political debates where kids just argue based on whatever their parents yell at the nightly world news program. And let me tell you, missing out on those kinds of conversations I think has helped me avoid becoming dumber, that happens by other means.
…which brings me to my next addiction – NOT politics. Politics might be the best stupid reality show on TV. You’ve got drama, humor, ridiculous situations, and the best actors money can by. I have a great appreciation for government and the philosophical understanding of the purpose of government, but politicians and talking heads (which have been around as long as government) undermine the entire system. When people complain about the ills of government, it can all be traced back to a political figure or commentator looking out for their own self-interests. When the system is removed from money, stereotypes, and selfishness, then we can maybe, finally, see how a democratic government rightfully services its citizens. People are so fanatical about government and politicians, liberal/conservative, republican/democrat, so much so that neither side will listen to the other, no room for movement, like every single political radical is stuck in an elevator and I’m just waiting for the cables to snap and they all go plummeting 40 floors. Most of the country still categorizes themselves moderates, but it is the radicals that get the wasted airtime, soapboxes, and media attention. And if anyone is wondering why the country is becoming more polarized they simply need to turn on a TV on Sunday morning – which is true on so many different levels. The big three dividers: politics, religion, and football.
…which brings me to my next addiction – no, not religion – sports. As I am sure you have gather, I cannot get enough sports or competitive events. Leaving aside “competitive eating,” almost every other sport offers everything one needs to feed an addiction. Drama (check), fast pace action (check), instant gratification (check), brand new experiences every 3 seconds (check), and uninhibited, full-force, explosive, attention retaining, reach in and pull out your organs excitement (check), you’ve got it all. Do we care that half, if not more, of all professional athletes use performance enhancing medication? Come on, what is more exciting than seeing two inhuman physically shaped men colliding at superhuman speeds and watching every ligament in their knees exploding at once on live TV? Curling not exciting enough for you? Maybe they should institute blow torches or body checking for the sweepers – seriously, is it a sport if there is no defense? Well, I guess pro basketball is still a sport so…
…so I am addicted to addiction, not to one particular addiction but just the feeling of addiction. No drug can really satisfy all my addictive desires, could not even come close. Some say they are addicted to life, others say they are addicted to something I mentioned above. But what more comforting feeling is there then just being addicted to something. Not dependent or needy, but the feeling of satisfaction and familiarity that comes with quenching an addiction. I know that sounds like I’m one sidestep away from full blown alcoholic or drug addict, but this is a different addiction – an addiction to be addicted to addiction.
…which brings me to my first addiction – humor. I love humor. I love laughing and making people laugh, although the latter is less frequent, so my dream of being a stand-up comic will have to be limited to the scribed form – and even that is up for debate. But come on, who doesn’t enjoy listening to Eddie Murphy’s ‘Raw’, or David Cross, or Dane Cook, endlessly, over and over, until you can do the entire routine to the utter dismay of your significant other. Watching and re-watching Seinfeld, Arrested Development, The Office, and Extras along with movies like Anchorman, Ghostbusters, Wedding Crashers, Monty Python, and Spaceballs leaves me in a state of constant bliss (or at least until reality returns). It’s like my brain must be humored to distract it from how unfunny real life can be. Although real life is pretty funny to, when you stop to watch it.
…which brings me to my next addiction – people watching. Not in that creep voyeuristic kind of way, more in the, hey, I’ve got nothing better to do for the next 15 minutes while I wait for the next available representative at any given state government public services office, so I will watch what people are up to. Nowadays it typically involves cell phones and not paying attention to anything. Although this can lead to humorous situations that include: a person, a cell phone, a comment without context or intent, and another really offended person within earshot. Then you have the whole, “no, I’m sorry, I was talking on my cell phone that is surgically attached to may ear that you could see being only seeing this side of my face.” You also have those people who have headphones growing out of their ears to eventually form a music listening device. Often found humming, unresponsive to the spoken word, and oblivious to traffic and other pedestrians. Somehow music has become their language and no other form of communication will get through. But, their love of music must outweigh their concern for personal safety, interpersonal communication, or their ability to hear things.
…which brings me to my next addiction – listening to my iPod. Yes, I will admit, I can be put into the aforementioned category above. So I enjoy putting my life to music as I move about this world. Plus I am addicted to music. Put them both together and all of a sudden life is like a motion picture with a running soundtrack (which I will blog about in the near future). As previous posts have shown, I reflect on life through music and when I have exhausted all other idea - or I’m feeling lazy - what better default topic than music? So when I am walking through campus or the city, David Gray can put it to music “Life in slow motion somehow it don’t seem real,” Josh Ritter can strum you along your way, and Elliott Smith can comfort you on those rainy days. Don’t get me wrong, the sounds of nature are beautiful, but musicians can enhance your visual experience like no other addiction can. It also keeps you from hearing all those idiotic conversations about celebrities or uninformed political debates where kids just argue based on whatever their parents yell at the nightly world news program. And let me tell you, missing out on those kinds of conversations I think has helped me avoid becoming dumber, that happens by other means.
…which brings me to my next addiction – NOT politics. Politics might be the best stupid reality show on TV. You’ve got drama, humor, ridiculous situations, and the best actors money can by. I have a great appreciation for government and the philosophical understanding of the purpose of government, but politicians and talking heads (which have been around as long as government) undermine the entire system. When people complain about the ills of government, it can all be traced back to a political figure or commentator looking out for their own self-interests. When the system is removed from money, stereotypes, and selfishness, then we can maybe, finally, see how a democratic government rightfully services its citizens. People are so fanatical about government and politicians, liberal/conservative, republican/democrat, so much so that neither side will listen to the other, no room for movement, like every single political radical is stuck in an elevator and I’m just waiting for the cables to snap and they all go plummeting 40 floors. Most of the country still categorizes themselves moderates, but it is the radicals that get the wasted airtime, soapboxes, and media attention. And if anyone is wondering why the country is becoming more polarized they simply need to turn on a TV on Sunday morning – which is true on so many different levels. The big three dividers: politics, religion, and football.
…which brings me to my next addiction – no, not religion – sports. As I am sure you have gather, I cannot get enough sports or competitive events. Leaving aside “competitive eating,” almost every other sport offers everything one needs to feed an addiction. Drama (check), fast pace action (check), instant gratification (check), brand new experiences every 3 seconds (check), and uninhibited, full-force, explosive, attention retaining, reach in and pull out your organs excitement (check), you’ve got it all. Do we care that half, if not more, of all professional athletes use performance enhancing medication? Come on, what is more exciting than seeing two inhuman physically shaped men colliding at superhuman speeds and watching every ligament in their knees exploding at once on live TV? Curling not exciting enough for you? Maybe they should institute blow torches or body checking for the sweepers – seriously, is it a sport if there is no defense? Well, I guess pro basketball is still a sport so…
…so I am addicted to addiction, not to one particular addiction but just the feeling of addiction. No drug can really satisfy all my addictive desires, could not even come close. Some say they are addicted to life, others say they are addicted to something I mentioned above. But what more comforting feeling is there then just being addicted to something. Not dependent or needy, but the feeling of satisfaction and familiarity that comes with quenching an addiction. I know that sounds like I’m one sidestep away from full blown alcoholic or drug addict, but this is a different addiction – an addiction to be addicted to addiction.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Heroes
So a popular question to ask someone, a friend or significant other, is the age old question…what power would you want to have if you were a superhero. I always go to my old standby – invisibility. Psychoanalyze all you want, but how cool would it be just to walk around, go wherever you want without being noticed and peek in on people in their truest form. Go ahead, peek in on a celebrity at home, feet propped up on a coffee table watching themselves on Extra, just like we would be doing on any given night. Or check out what is going on at the White House at 2am, probably the president with his feet propped up on a coffee table watching “Lil’ Bush” or trying to make one of those tough decisions, like what to have for his late night snack – pie or nachos? But seriously, which power would you pick?
Thanks to Marvel, DC Comics, the Fantastic Four, Heroes, and X-Men, all the good powers have already been…theorized, if you will. Flying (check), invincibility/regeneration (check), telekinesis (check), ability to create spider-webs (check), screaming loud enough to disorient all within a mile radius (check). I give X-Men the medal for being most creative, but at this point, you almost have to be, all the standard “super” powers have been realized on TV, in comics, and on the big screen. At this point all that is left is to argue endlessly who is a better superhero, Batman, Superman, or The Greatest American Hero – sing it with me, “believe it or not, I’m walking on air, never thought I could be so free…” So where else is there to go? A superhero who can balance that national budget? A extraterrestrial who isn’t out to destroy earth and all its inhabitance but could if it sneezed accidental but came to earth because it was teased at alien high school? A deadbeat dad actually paying child support?
Now imagine a school like the one in X-Men where kids who possess gifted powers learn standard school curriculum but also how to apply their abilities. History will show that no matter how gifted a child might be, putting a group of similar aged adolescents in a boarding school where they are taught the basic knowledge set, they will socialize and act like every other school social system. So some kid who can manipulate fire will always be the “cool” kid, because come on, who really wants to hang out with the kid who can just turn things into cold ice. And seriously, who wouldn’t want a friend who can turn his skin into steel plates, but a girlfriend you can’t even touch you because she’ll suck the life force right out of you? Just like every other school, fights would break out, only in this ‘gifted’ school, some serious mess could go down – although a headmaster that can freeze time and kill anyone just by concentrating hard enough would certainly keep things in line.
Speaking of which, I’m not a big fan of time travel as a superpower. With the exception of “Back to the Future” and “Austin Powers”, time travel or time manipulation just really bugs me. First of all, the whole concept of time travel is even theoretically impossible, on almost every level of science. The consequences…I think I won’t even go into it, I’m sure you get the point. In fictional situations, it brings in far too many questions, and puts holes in every single aspect of the story. The best explanation of time travel in a movie was in the second Austin Powers film, “So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go back and look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to the '60s? Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.” Exactly. Somehow it works in comedies, not dramas or action-adventures. So whenever I watch Heroes, I try to suspend disbelief because it isn’t a bad show. Just like life, sometimes we need to suspend disbelief, except everyday heroes, and find our own superpower. But for now, I think I will stick with the old stand by of invisibility because then life would be like one big, unscripted TV show. And what is more humorous than real life?
Thanks to Marvel, DC Comics, the Fantastic Four, Heroes, and X-Men, all the good powers have already been…theorized, if you will. Flying (check), invincibility/regeneration (check), telekinesis (check), ability to create spider-webs (check), screaming loud enough to disorient all within a mile radius (check). I give X-Men the medal for being most creative, but at this point, you almost have to be, all the standard “super” powers have been realized on TV, in comics, and on the big screen. At this point all that is left is to argue endlessly who is a better superhero, Batman, Superman, or The Greatest American Hero – sing it with me, “believe it or not, I’m walking on air, never thought I could be so free…” So where else is there to go? A superhero who can balance that national budget? A extraterrestrial who isn’t out to destroy earth and all its inhabitance but could if it sneezed accidental but came to earth because it was teased at alien high school? A deadbeat dad actually paying child support?
Now imagine a school like the one in X-Men where kids who possess gifted powers learn standard school curriculum but also how to apply their abilities. History will show that no matter how gifted a child might be, putting a group of similar aged adolescents in a boarding school where they are taught the basic knowledge set, they will socialize and act like every other school social system. So some kid who can manipulate fire will always be the “cool” kid, because come on, who really wants to hang out with the kid who can just turn things into cold ice. And seriously, who wouldn’t want a friend who can turn his skin into steel plates, but a girlfriend you can’t even touch you because she’ll suck the life force right out of you? Just like every other school, fights would break out, only in this ‘gifted’ school, some serious mess could go down – although a headmaster that can freeze time and kill anyone just by concentrating hard enough would certainly keep things in line.
Speaking of which, I’m not a big fan of time travel as a superpower. With the exception of “Back to the Future” and “Austin Powers”, time travel or time manipulation just really bugs me. First of all, the whole concept of time travel is even theoretically impossible, on almost every level of science. The consequences…I think I won’t even go into it, I’m sure you get the point. In fictional situations, it brings in far too many questions, and puts holes in every single aspect of the story. The best explanation of time travel in a movie was in the second Austin Powers film, “So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go back and look at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to the '60s? Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.” Exactly. Somehow it works in comedies, not dramas or action-adventures. So whenever I watch Heroes, I try to suspend disbelief because it isn’t a bad show. Just like life, sometimes we need to suspend disbelief, except everyday heroes, and find our own superpower. But for now, I think I will stick with the old stand by of invisibility because then life would be like one big, unscripted TV show. And what is more humorous than real life?
Monday, October 8, 2007
Average
In baseball, the batting average is the number of times a batter gets a hit divided by the total number of chances, or at bats. Now there’s a lot more that goes into it besides that, like walks, being hit by a pitch, scratching one's crotch, do not count as an at bats, but I think you get the point. For most players, batting .300 (or 30%) is considered good, maybe even above average. Below .200 is considered bad, the “Mendoza Line.” No one has it over .400 for a season since Ted Williams in 1941. He hit .406, basically he got a hit 4 out of every 10 at bats – meaning he failed to get a hit 6 out of every 10 at bats. And he was considered one of the best hitters of all time. So the average player who, say, bats .250 (25%) fails to get a hit 3 out of every 4 at bats. Granted they are charged with a task of hitting a little white ball 3 inches in diameter coming at them at 80-100 miles per hour, using a long wooden stick, not an easy task mind you.
Well, baseball is a metaphor for life in some many ways, people have written volumes on the topic. A guy ‘strikes out’ when he fails to ‘score’ with a lady. I won’t even go into the whole reaching base references that you are probably already familiar with, even if you are not a baseball fan. To guys, sometimes the bar scene is like “playing the field” of baseball so it is just fitting I think of it as a spectator sport. Now some guys go with the swing away approach. "Can’t get a hit if you leave the bat on your shoulders." Others wait to get the count in their favor, for the uninitiated that means waiting for a time when you can expect a hittable pitch. In this analogy, I guess that would mean waiting for last call or something. Of course we have the doping charges of major league players using performance enhancing substances to ensure better chances of getting hits or even homeruns. I won’t touch that one but I think you can see the correlation. Some prefer to play at their home field, others on the road. Some like the day games but most still play at night. The adventurous ones stick around for the day-night doubleheader or sit through long rain delays. You have pinch hitters who can be called upon in potential scoring situations, but pinch runners are rarely used, only when speed is of the essences. Think of the seventh-inning stretch like that hour or two you do at the karaoke bar before heading into the late innings.
Sometimes life in the relationship world feels like the old Abbott and Costello baseball fielding line-up skit, “Who’s on First?,” – yes. Or better yet, maybe it is like your on opposite teams and the third base coach is giving encrypted singles to his team that you can’t decipher. A relationship should be more like softball, easy to hit pitches, bigger bats and balls, to get better changes at reaching base….and drinking only makes the game more fun. Instead we face the ace of the pitching staff every 5 days, some hot, upstarts the other 4 days, the hall of fame closer during those close games, and a gold glove winning middle infielder who won't let any balls get by them, turning an inning ending double play, and can make those diving stops, throw from your knees strikes to beat you by a half-a-step at first base.
I’ve always considered myself an average guy, maybe the most average you’ll ever meet. Does that mean I will only be considered successful a quarter of the time? Maybe. Of course I consider myself successful by waking up on time in the morning and making it back to bed at some point after dark…so far I’m batting 1.000 in that category. Go me. So what is our definition of average? Do we apply the bell curve to everything in life? Has life gotten so hard that we need to think of it like a 3 inch tightly wound ball covered in leather with some stitches coming at us at 95mph? Do we start testing with a passing rate of 25/100, but make the tests really, really hard?
Well, it is October; the baseball playoffs are on their way. A whole lot of hours of boringness capped with a few minutes of the best excitement of your life…sound familiar? So let the games begin and play ball!
Well, baseball is a metaphor for life in some many ways, people have written volumes on the topic. A guy ‘strikes out’ when he fails to ‘score’ with a lady. I won’t even go into the whole reaching base references that you are probably already familiar with, even if you are not a baseball fan. To guys, sometimes the bar scene is like “playing the field” of baseball so it is just fitting I think of it as a spectator sport. Now some guys go with the swing away approach. "Can’t get a hit if you leave the bat on your shoulders." Others wait to get the count in their favor, for the uninitiated that means waiting for a time when you can expect a hittable pitch. In this analogy, I guess that would mean waiting for last call or something. Of course we have the doping charges of major league players using performance enhancing substances to ensure better chances of getting hits or even homeruns. I won’t touch that one but I think you can see the correlation. Some prefer to play at their home field, others on the road. Some like the day games but most still play at night. The adventurous ones stick around for the day-night doubleheader or sit through long rain delays. You have pinch hitters who can be called upon in potential scoring situations, but pinch runners are rarely used, only when speed is of the essences. Think of the seventh-inning stretch like that hour or two you do at the karaoke bar before heading into the late innings.
Sometimes life in the relationship world feels like the old Abbott and Costello baseball fielding line-up skit, “Who’s on First?,” – yes. Or better yet, maybe it is like your on opposite teams and the third base coach is giving encrypted singles to his team that you can’t decipher. A relationship should be more like softball, easy to hit pitches, bigger bats and balls, to get better changes at reaching base….and drinking only makes the game more fun. Instead we face the ace of the pitching staff every 5 days, some hot, upstarts the other 4 days, the hall of fame closer during those close games, and a gold glove winning middle infielder who won't let any balls get by them, turning an inning ending double play, and can make those diving stops, throw from your knees strikes to beat you by a half-a-step at first base.
I’ve always considered myself an average guy, maybe the most average you’ll ever meet. Does that mean I will only be considered successful a quarter of the time? Maybe. Of course I consider myself successful by waking up on time in the morning and making it back to bed at some point after dark…so far I’m batting 1.000 in that category. Go me. So what is our definition of average? Do we apply the bell curve to everything in life? Has life gotten so hard that we need to think of it like a 3 inch tightly wound ball covered in leather with some stitches coming at us at 95mph? Do we start testing with a passing rate of 25/100, but make the tests really, really hard?
Well, it is October; the baseball playoffs are on their way. A whole lot of hours of boringness capped with a few minutes of the best excitement of your life…sound familiar? So let the games begin and play ball!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Bottle Up and Explode
This is a continuation of a post I made back in May…wow, I really haven’t been blogging…
Step 11: The longest hour. That hour right after you return from lunch has got to be the longest hour of your entire life. See, each day it gets longer and longer, thus becoming the longest hour of your life - with the exception of that hour you sat next to the big, smelly guy on the plane that kept looking for the flight attendant to order his next round of drinks as a continuation of his layover hangover busting romp in the airport bar. So now you are back at work, calls are waiting, your stomach is turning after eating something that appeared to be a chicken sandwich but you are now thinking it was fried rubber, because, hey, everything tastes like chicken. Anyway, your all too brief respite is soon forgotten as the work piles up and your co-workers have all gone off on yet another birthday luncheon for someone you aren’t even sure works in your office. As your body begins to make noises and hemorrhages that alerts seismometers of subterranean movement and you think you might just spontaneously implode you look at the clock and it has only be 15 minutes since you returned.
Step 12: Afternoon “nap.” At this point you have survived the morning obstacles to the shower, the nascar race they call a morning commute, the co-worker arrival gauntlet to your desk, the over-caffeinated callers and their fix-my-problem-now user incompetence issues, and the after lunch, steel cage match, bare-fisted bout your stomach had with your large and small intestines. Now it is time for that caffeine induced afternoon crash. That blissful, quiet time of the day when you shut out the world, stare off into space as if you had blinders on. Calls go unanswered but you don’t care. Paper work blows away with the wind like leaves in autumn. Drifting, drifting away. Reality and daydreams meld together and you lose track which is which. You call your male co-worker Alice and the e-mail notification sound is like seagulls chirping just outside your beach front home. The hand on your computer screen that signifies a link can be clicked looks like one of those foam hands saying your team is #1 as your team wins the big game. Whammm. Back to reality, some server went down and the place has gone to ludicrous speed with people all up in a frenzy.
Step 13: Final countdown. Waiting, watching the clock, its 4 o’clock, its got to stop….I know, I know, too many unrelated musical references there but you get the point. Those last few agonizing minutes when you are doing everything possible to make the time go by faster…even by doing work, actual work. Amazing, never thought I would see the day when you would actually do work because the alternative is you being so bored that time has completely stopped. Now fellow disgruntled employee, hang in there for it is almost time to go, almost time to leave all of this behind, relax, sleep, then start all over again in a few hours. What a fun life we have.
Step 14: Closing time. So the clock has struck that time, you know that time, the one that releases the 300 pound weight that you’ve been supporting on your head for the past 6+ hours, that time of the day that if you work in a factory back in the 19th century or a query in Bedrock would be accompanied with a steam whistle or a really loud prehistoric bird screaming. Now it is time for the escape. Imagine that scene in Indiana Jones, no, not the one when everyone melts away for looking at the arc, you know, the one at the beginning, where Indy is stealing the golden skull looking thing. He weighs the bag of sand trying to judge to right weight, then makes the switch. All is clear right? No booty traps this time, you mean booby traps, that’s what I said, booby traps. But we all know better. And like a big ass perfectly round rock chasing after us, we take off. Throwing caution to the wind we dodge poison darts flying, jumping bottomless caverns, get chased by unruly natives with bad haircuts only to end up in a plane, sitting on a snake…there are motherf$%king snakes on the motherf$%king plane! But hey, you got out of there. Your prize? A stress-filled drive home that includes red lights at every traffic light, a bottle neck at another road repair site, and some guy on a Moped. Then you get stuck in a major traffic jam and that guy on the Moped goes tooting by with that annoying little motor like the turtle beating the hare.
Step 15: Home life. Finally you arrive home. Now what? Dinner. Maybe a little ranting to a loved one or loved ones, real or virtual (present company included). A hot shower to rid yourself of the filth that you accumulated on your body, mind, and soul over the course of the day. How ‘bout some mindless TV watching? Or a movie? Are you just wasting time until it is time to go off to dreamland? Are we all just working for the weekend? (you can never get enough ‘80s references) Well, it is now up to you to take this 15 step program and flip it on its end, heels over head, and shake things up because this daily minutia should always be avoided at all possible opportunities.
Step 11: The longest hour. That hour right after you return from lunch has got to be the longest hour of your entire life. See, each day it gets longer and longer, thus becoming the longest hour of your life - with the exception of that hour you sat next to the big, smelly guy on the plane that kept looking for the flight attendant to order his next round of drinks as a continuation of his layover hangover busting romp in the airport bar. So now you are back at work, calls are waiting, your stomach is turning after eating something that appeared to be a chicken sandwich but you are now thinking it was fried rubber, because, hey, everything tastes like chicken. Anyway, your all too brief respite is soon forgotten as the work piles up and your co-workers have all gone off on yet another birthday luncheon for someone you aren’t even sure works in your office. As your body begins to make noises and hemorrhages that alerts seismometers of subterranean movement and you think you might just spontaneously implode you look at the clock and it has only be 15 minutes since you returned.
Step 12: Afternoon “nap.” At this point you have survived the morning obstacles to the shower, the nascar race they call a morning commute, the co-worker arrival gauntlet to your desk, the over-caffeinated callers and their fix-my-problem-now user incompetence issues, and the after lunch, steel cage match, bare-fisted bout your stomach had with your large and small intestines. Now it is time for that caffeine induced afternoon crash. That blissful, quiet time of the day when you shut out the world, stare off into space as if you had blinders on. Calls go unanswered but you don’t care. Paper work blows away with the wind like leaves in autumn. Drifting, drifting away. Reality and daydreams meld together and you lose track which is which. You call your male co-worker Alice and the e-mail notification sound is like seagulls chirping just outside your beach front home. The hand on your computer screen that signifies a link can be clicked looks like one of those foam hands saying your team is #1 as your team wins the big game. Whammm. Back to reality, some server went down and the place has gone to ludicrous speed with people all up in a frenzy.
Step 13: Final countdown. Waiting, watching the clock, its 4 o’clock, its got to stop….I know, I know, too many unrelated musical references there but you get the point. Those last few agonizing minutes when you are doing everything possible to make the time go by faster…even by doing work, actual work. Amazing, never thought I would see the day when you would actually do work because the alternative is you being so bored that time has completely stopped. Now fellow disgruntled employee, hang in there for it is almost time to go, almost time to leave all of this behind, relax, sleep, then start all over again in a few hours. What a fun life we have.
Step 14: Closing time. So the clock has struck that time, you know that time, the one that releases the 300 pound weight that you’ve been supporting on your head for the past 6+ hours, that time of the day that if you work in a factory back in the 19th century or a query in Bedrock would be accompanied with a steam whistle or a really loud prehistoric bird screaming. Now it is time for the escape. Imagine that scene in Indiana Jones, no, not the one when everyone melts away for looking at the arc, you know, the one at the beginning, where Indy is stealing the golden skull looking thing. He weighs the bag of sand trying to judge to right weight, then makes the switch. All is clear right? No booty traps this time, you mean booby traps, that’s what I said, booby traps. But we all know better. And like a big ass perfectly round rock chasing after us, we take off. Throwing caution to the wind we dodge poison darts flying, jumping bottomless caverns, get chased by unruly natives with bad haircuts only to end up in a plane, sitting on a snake…there are motherf$%king snakes on the motherf$%king plane! But hey, you got out of there. Your prize? A stress-filled drive home that includes red lights at every traffic light, a bottle neck at another road repair site, and some guy on a Moped. Then you get stuck in a major traffic jam and that guy on the Moped goes tooting by with that annoying little motor like the turtle beating the hare.
Step 15: Home life. Finally you arrive home. Now what? Dinner. Maybe a little ranting to a loved one or loved ones, real or virtual (present company included). A hot shower to rid yourself of the filth that you accumulated on your body, mind, and soul over the course of the day. How ‘bout some mindless TV watching? Or a movie? Are you just wasting time until it is time to go off to dreamland? Are we all just working for the weekend? (you can never get enough ‘80s references) Well, it is now up to you to take this 15 step program and flip it on its end, heels over head, and shake things up because this daily minutia should always be avoided at all possible opportunities.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Greatest Hits - Disc 1
Greatest Hits
I’ve been going back through older blog posts because I am gradually adding to my myspace account (yes, I caved, but don’t worry, I am being cautious and it has gotten me back in touch with some old friends, so whatcha gonna do? Dress me up in a chicken suit and call me a hypocrite) But it has given me an opportunity to see how funny I actually am…in writing. It is curious to me, especially in my current doldrums, how these moments of humorous inspiration hit me. How are the ideas generated? Where do they come from? Why am I at the mercy of moods which affect my thinking and ability to be humorous? So in these days of monotony, callers with endless stupidity, and constant days of nonsensical jabbering only broken by cold silence let’s look back on some of the highlights (lowlights) of previous posts. Think of it like the “best of…” episodes run by sitcoms when they have run low on humorous stories or ideas and need a week (or month) off. At the end, remember to hum to yourself Green Day’s “Good Riddance”.
Shall I do this in chronological order or like a countdown of my favorites? Hmm…I think I will go with the latter which will force me to use some cognitive thinking, remember kids, it is not what you learn in school, but how you learneded it. What the F, that’s the second time in 4 hours that the Star Wars theme has come up on my iPod, what is wrong with this thing?? What is wrong with me for leaving it on here?? (See, random statements…not so funny) Should I admit to you that the next track on the iPod set to shuffle is Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House”. Yeah, I need to look into not putting every single song I have on it.
Now this may take some time to go through all of these so bare with me. I am a little scare to find how many typos and just plain misspellings I will find. Needless to say, it will be close to the triple digits…wow, I am finding it hard to even understand myself. That explains so much, you just don’t know. Now on with the hits:
Track 1:
I love to know where things have come from, where they’ve been, how they got there. And I mean everything, old buildings, people, a bolt, a Popsicle stick, this chair I’m sitting in. Where was it made? Who made it? Who’s sat in it? How many farts have passed through its mesh lining?
Track 2:
As you can tell by now…I tend to go off on tangents, bare with me, maybe this medium, and modern word processing technology, will help me fix that problem. (that hasn’t happened yet, has it?)
Track 3:
Oh, the classics…but that walk down nostalgia lane only shows how covertly the Televisions wooed our senses, brainwashed our thoughts, and made us long to be able to jump over tall fences, talk to really short people in robot costumes, and walk into a bar and have everyone know your name (first sign that you might be an alcoholic – seek treatment).
Track 4:
I actually went without cable for a year of my adult life, back to rabbit ears, and all that did was get me addicted to broadcast network TV shows. Don’t get me wrong, I certain wish I was lost on a freaky island with Kate, Claire, Shannon, and Libby…but I have a feeling that when the truth is revealed on that show, it will all have been one big giant commercial ad for Honda.
Track 5:
So that should give you some idea where this observation is coming from…but back to the topic at hand, which I have no idea what it is anymore…thanks for playing along.
Track 6:
what will happen when we get to a point where we are talking to people by cell-phone, or atom-phone, or implant-a-phone, to a person right next to us. Or when we don’t recognized our own children when we run into them that one day we just so happen to be in our house at the same time.
Track 7:
I recently got a Bluetooth hands-free headset for my cell phone and it totally kicks ass. Now I can blog, chat, e-mail, drive, look pompous, talk on my cell phone, talk to other people, talk to myself without looking crazy, all with this fashionable earpiece dangling from one ear.
Track 8:
Too much of anything is bad for you…water = drown, sun = dehydration, alcohol = alcohol poisoning, The Brady Bunch = an overwhelming feeling Marsha is always stealing your thunder that leads to a mental breakdown and intervention by Peter who seems to be the only person who noticed, at which point Alice comes in and discovers the dog is missing and blames you for not being responsible enough.
Track 9:
I need noises so abundant that my entire body vibrates with the voracity of a jet fighter flying at mach 2. I need my eyes spinning, jittering, bouncing 80 times a second that one day I will have to bob my head up and down like a bird just to see straight. Surround sound…how about surround vision? When’s that SV-TV going to be available to the consumer market? Imagine your TV viewing as if it were in an iMax theater
Track 10:
Although crazy Astronaut lady probably could have taken care of this all online, without having to drive non-stop along I-10 in diapers to meet the other woman at the airport….the AIRPORT, really? That one place in Orlando where the security personnel don’t look like Mickey Mouse and are probably more abundant than at the Magic Kingdom?
Track 11:
Now, we as men know that women express their affection in their own way, which usually involves (in no particular order) a lot of crying, sighing, gazing, giggling, and hysterics, often all in the span 20 seconds.
Track 12:
Now sit back in your comfy la-z-boy and watch the crumble of the western world right before your half-closed eyes…unless you are watching Fox News, then everything is fine.
Track 13:
If a camera was following me around, I doubt my family would even watch. They would use it to torture double-agent, MI-6, double oh, gentlemen spies right after they were told the highly elaborate global take-over plans by an obviously nicknamed villain.
Wow, good times, I hope you enjoyed reading some of the highlights from the past 6 months as much as I did. Look for more disc sets to follow…
I’ve been going back through older blog posts because I am gradually adding to my myspace account (yes, I caved, but don’t worry, I am being cautious and it has gotten me back in touch with some old friends, so whatcha gonna do? Dress me up in a chicken suit and call me a hypocrite) But it has given me an opportunity to see how funny I actually am…in writing. It is curious to me, especially in my current doldrums, how these moments of humorous inspiration hit me. How are the ideas generated? Where do they come from? Why am I at the mercy of moods which affect my thinking and ability to be humorous? So in these days of monotony, callers with endless stupidity, and constant days of nonsensical jabbering only broken by cold silence let’s look back on some of the highlights (lowlights) of previous posts. Think of it like the “best of…” episodes run by sitcoms when they have run low on humorous stories or ideas and need a week (or month) off. At the end, remember to hum to yourself Green Day’s “Good Riddance”.
Shall I do this in chronological order or like a countdown of my favorites? Hmm…I think I will go with the latter which will force me to use some cognitive thinking, remember kids, it is not what you learn in school, but how you learneded it. What the F, that’s the second time in 4 hours that the Star Wars theme has come up on my iPod, what is wrong with this thing?? What is wrong with me for leaving it on here?? (See, random statements…not so funny) Should I admit to you that the next track on the iPod set to shuffle is Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House”. Yeah, I need to look into not putting every single song I have on it.
Now this may take some time to go through all of these so bare with me. I am a little scare to find how many typos and just plain misspellings I will find. Needless to say, it will be close to the triple digits…wow, I am finding it hard to even understand myself. That explains so much, you just don’t know. Now on with the hits:
Track 1:
I love to know where things have come from, where they’ve been, how they got there. And I mean everything, old buildings, people, a bolt, a Popsicle stick, this chair I’m sitting in. Where was it made? Who made it? Who’s sat in it? How many farts have passed through its mesh lining?
Track 2:
As you can tell by now…I tend to go off on tangents, bare with me, maybe this medium, and modern word processing technology, will help me fix that problem. (that hasn’t happened yet, has it?)
Track 3:
Oh, the classics…but that walk down nostalgia lane only shows how covertly the Televisions wooed our senses, brainwashed our thoughts, and made us long to be able to jump over tall fences, talk to really short people in robot costumes, and walk into a bar and have everyone know your name (first sign that you might be an alcoholic – seek treatment).
Track 4:
I actually went without cable for a year of my adult life, back to rabbit ears, and all that did was get me addicted to broadcast network TV shows. Don’t get me wrong, I certain wish I was lost on a freaky island with Kate, Claire, Shannon, and Libby…but I have a feeling that when the truth is revealed on that show, it will all have been one big giant commercial ad for Honda.
Track 5:
So that should give you some idea where this observation is coming from…but back to the topic at hand, which I have no idea what it is anymore…thanks for playing along.
Track 6:
what will happen when we get to a point where we are talking to people by cell-phone, or atom-phone, or implant-a-phone, to a person right next to us. Or when we don’t recognized our own children when we run into them that one day we just so happen to be in our house at the same time.
Track 7:
I recently got a Bluetooth hands-free headset for my cell phone and it totally kicks ass. Now I can blog, chat, e-mail, drive, look pompous, talk on my cell phone, talk to other people, talk to myself without looking crazy, all with this fashionable earpiece dangling from one ear.
Track 8:
Too much of anything is bad for you…water = drown, sun = dehydration, alcohol = alcohol poisoning, The Brady Bunch = an overwhelming feeling Marsha is always stealing your thunder that leads to a mental breakdown and intervention by Peter who seems to be the only person who noticed, at which point Alice comes in and discovers the dog is missing and blames you for not being responsible enough.
Track 9:
I need noises so abundant that my entire body vibrates with the voracity of a jet fighter flying at mach 2. I need my eyes spinning, jittering, bouncing 80 times a second that one day I will have to bob my head up and down like a bird just to see straight. Surround sound…how about surround vision? When’s that SV-TV going to be available to the consumer market? Imagine your TV viewing as if it were in an iMax theater
Track 10:
Although crazy Astronaut lady probably could have taken care of this all online, without having to drive non-stop along I-10 in diapers to meet the other woman at the airport….the AIRPORT, really? That one place in Orlando where the security personnel don’t look like Mickey Mouse and are probably more abundant than at the Magic Kingdom?
Track 11:
Now, we as men know that women express their affection in their own way, which usually involves (in no particular order) a lot of crying, sighing, gazing, giggling, and hysterics, often all in the span 20 seconds.
Track 12:
Now sit back in your comfy la-z-boy and watch the crumble of the western world right before your half-closed eyes…unless you are watching Fox News, then everything is fine.
Track 13:
If a camera was following me around, I doubt my family would even watch. They would use it to torture double-agent, MI-6, double oh, gentlemen spies right after they were told the highly elaborate global take-over plans by an obviously nicknamed villain.
Wow, good times, I hope you enjoyed reading some of the highlights from the past 6 months as much as I did. Look for more disc sets to follow…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
