Greatest Hits
I’ve been going back through older blog posts because I am gradually adding to my myspace account (yes, I caved, but don’t worry, I am being cautious and it has gotten me back in touch with some old friends, so whatcha gonna do? Dress me up in a chicken suit and call me a hypocrite) But it has given me an opportunity to see how funny I actually am…in writing. It is curious to me, especially in my current doldrums, how these moments of humorous inspiration hit me. How are the ideas generated? Where do they come from? Why am I at the mercy of moods which affect my thinking and ability to be humorous? So in these days of monotony, callers with endless stupidity, and constant days of nonsensical jabbering only broken by cold silence let’s look back on some of the highlights (lowlights) of previous posts. Think of it like the “best of…” episodes run by sitcoms when they have run low on humorous stories or ideas and need a week (or month) off. At the end, remember to hum to yourself Green Day’s “Good Riddance”.
Shall I do this in chronological order or like a countdown of my favorites? Hmm…I think I will go with the latter which will force me to use some cognitive thinking, remember kids, it is not what you learn in school, but how you learneded it. What the F, that’s the second time in 4 hours that the Star Wars theme has come up on my iPod, what is wrong with this thing?? What is wrong with me for leaving it on here?? (See, random statements…not so funny) Should I admit to you that the next track on the iPod set to shuffle is Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House”. Yeah, I need to look into not putting every single song I have on it.
Now this may take some time to go through all of these so bare with me. I am a little scare to find how many typos and just plain misspellings I will find. Needless to say, it will be close to the triple digits…wow, I am finding it hard to even understand myself. That explains so much, you just don’t know. Now on with the hits:
Track 1:
I love to know where things have come from, where they’ve been, how they got there. And I mean everything, old buildings, people, a bolt, a Popsicle stick, this chair I’m sitting in. Where was it made? Who made it? Who’s sat in it? How many farts have passed through its mesh lining?
Track 2:
As you can tell by now…I tend to go off on tangents, bare with me, maybe this medium, and modern word processing technology, will help me fix that problem. (that hasn’t happened yet, has it?)
Track 3:
Oh, the classics…but that walk down nostalgia lane only shows how covertly the Televisions wooed our senses, brainwashed our thoughts, and made us long to be able to jump over tall fences, talk to really short people in robot costumes, and walk into a bar and have everyone know your name (first sign that you might be an alcoholic – seek treatment).
Track 4:
I actually went without cable for a year of my adult life, back to rabbit ears, and all that did was get me addicted to broadcast network TV shows. Don’t get me wrong, I certain wish I was lost on a freaky island with Kate, Claire, Shannon, and Libby…but I have a feeling that when the truth is revealed on that show, it will all have been one big giant commercial ad for Honda.
Track 5:
So that should give you some idea where this observation is coming from…but back to the topic at hand, which I have no idea what it is anymore…thanks for playing along.
Track 6:
what will happen when we get to a point where we are talking to people by cell-phone, or atom-phone, or implant-a-phone, to a person right next to us. Or when we don’t recognized our own children when we run into them that one day we just so happen to be in our house at the same time.
Track 7:
I recently got a Bluetooth hands-free headset for my cell phone and it totally kicks ass. Now I can blog, chat, e-mail, drive, look pompous, talk on my cell phone, talk to other people, talk to myself without looking crazy, all with this fashionable earpiece dangling from one ear.
Track 8:
Too much of anything is bad for you…water = drown, sun = dehydration, alcohol = alcohol poisoning, The Brady Bunch = an overwhelming feeling Marsha is always stealing your thunder that leads to a mental breakdown and intervention by Peter who seems to be the only person who noticed, at which point Alice comes in and discovers the dog is missing and blames you for not being responsible enough.
Track 9:
I need noises so abundant that my entire body vibrates with the voracity of a jet fighter flying at mach 2. I need my eyes spinning, jittering, bouncing 80 times a second that one day I will have to bob my head up and down like a bird just to see straight. Surround sound…how about surround vision? When’s that SV-TV going to be available to the consumer market? Imagine your TV viewing as if it were in an iMax theater
Track 10:
Although crazy Astronaut lady probably could have taken care of this all online, without having to drive non-stop along I-10 in diapers to meet the other woman at the airport….the AIRPORT, really? That one place in Orlando where the security personnel don’t look like Mickey Mouse and are probably more abundant than at the Magic Kingdom?
Track 11:
Now, we as men know that women express their affection in their own way, which usually involves (in no particular order) a lot of crying, sighing, gazing, giggling, and hysterics, often all in the span 20 seconds.
Track 12:
Now sit back in your comfy la-z-boy and watch the crumble of the western world right before your half-closed eyes…unless you are watching Fox News, then everything is fine.
Track 13:
If a camera was following me around, I doubt my family would even watch. They would use it to torture double-agent, MI-6, double oh, gentlemen spies right after they were told the highly elaborate global take-over plans by an obviously nicknamed villain.
Wow, good times, I hope you enjoyed reading some of the highlights from the past 6 months as much as I did. Look for more disc sets to follow…
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