How It's Changed

…And welcome back, I hope you enjoyed that brief commercial smell sensation, didn't that smell delicious? We are happy to be back, beaming directly into your cerebral cortex dnd do we have an exciting uplink for you today. In this segment we are going to delve into the world of ancient technological change. You see, back in homo sapiens sapien period, what they might call the late 20^th century, life was a bit “backwards” for our standards. Imagine a world where you had to use a handheld device to communicate with friends and family?!? And communication with their domesticated pets wasn’t even fathomable for them…haven’t times changed? Now let us examine some of the technology these early humans used in their daily lives…feel free to virtually manipulate these objects to really give you a feel for the clumsiness of their archaic lives. Just don’t do it while transporting as this may cause a fluctuation in your brainwaves resulting in distortion upon re-apparition. We do not want to see any transportation fatalities because of our distractive content. W8 & Concentr8

(cue cheesy 'musac' and warming voice-over)

Here we see one of the devices that “revolutionized” communication…if they only knew, right? They called this a Cellular Telephone, after a previous form, yet similar technology of wired communication. The “Cell Phone” as it became to be known as allowed humans to walk around freely in public whilst continuously communicating directly with an unknown individual on the other end…often times making said individual look like a huge douche-bag to anyone overhearing their very annoying and irrelevant conversations.

Next, let us mentally navigate to this rather large, cubed device, popular amongst these early humans for entertainment and distraction. They called it the “television,” and it operated in a most rudimentary way. The front panel of this cube would emit a patter of colors creating a two-dimensional image of dramatized tele-plays that this “civilization” would then watch for enjoyment. Yes, only two-dimensions! Imagine how much we are amused at only five dimensions, our ten must not have even been found in their futuristic fictional ‘tele-plays’…it is hard to fathom what life must have been like for these depraved souls. Our two-legged ancestors would sit for star-rotations on end, watching semi-humorous, vaguely scripted situational comedies, dramas, or athletic competitions to escape from their mundane, labor intensive sun-rotations.

Now, can you imagine leaving your domicile, and your means of travel is a four-wheeled vehicle that used naturally created, but limited supplied, combustible liquid which propelled gears to create acceleration? If they only knew, right? Maybe hundreds of thousands of these early humans could have lived instead of perishing in the final great war and this, mankind, could have survived the last great technological feat that ultimately lead to their doom…

the “gaming console.” Records show that the first and widely popular gaming device, one that allowed for interchangeable games, was known as the Atari. Later advances found better visual graphics and more comprehensive game play. In addition, any advancement resulted in the increase in average weight, laziness, and academic failure rates which we all know led to the eventual extinction of this once proud race of beings. It truly is an amazement how these gaming consoles, in conjunction with their two-dimensional displaying devices completely engrossed pre-adolescent, adolescent, and ultimately post-adolescent humans in interactive game-play, using such themes as war, auto-racing, mythical warriors, sports, and ironically, futuristic, post-apocalyptic hell-scapes.

How fortunate are we to live in a modern time of collective consciousness, a free existence, and a reality that is devoid of any need of a virtual state. Now be well my fellow siblings and remember to never forget the foibles of our ancestors, least we dare not repeat them.

Generation Gap

I’m calling this my old man rant. I’m far from old, but I am beginning to see the gap between myself and next generation. I have reached a point in my life that I am now twice the age of many graduating seniors. And now that I work in an environment surrounded by the aforementioned youths, I am finding some alarming trends. Yet, I’ve been pondering this one for a while…see, I started back in 2008 when I was attempting to get back into writing (this does not bode well for this to be a continuous venture, if history says anything about my dedication to the medium of writing). So bare with me as I take you back to my first attempt and try to pick it up 4 ½ years later, although much of it still applies…

I know, I know, it has been a while…a long while. Hey, it’s me, you know me. I haven’t changed much, same venue - different room. I’ve been thinking lately, that’s what abnormal amounts of quiet will do to you (that’s why you need to turn the music up loud kids). I’ve got a lot of things on my mind and I needed to reach in there and scoop it out like ice cream - I’ll let you add your own toppings

I figured all my ramblings couldn’t be encapsulated into a single, all-encompassing blog, but I think I might have come up with a theme, it might be a stretch, hang in there with me, hope you are flexible.

So here we are, still in the 0’s but almost out into those fun teen years,’08 to be more precise (at least I hope to be done with thing before the end of the year). Life and technology are moving faster than anyone can keep up with (yes, even you). No amount of doping or HGH will help you keep pace. I have come to observe that even the separation of a few years can greatly characterize where we are in our social interactions. Using myself as an example, and I always assume that I am the norm, deal, I graduated high school in the mid-90’s, attended college thereafter. During that time, the interwebs was coming of age to the general public, beginning in the academic arena. I had access to Netscape, newsgroups, and the beginning of what we called the world wide web (the www for those of you who didn’t know why we have to type that in front of our web address). My major form of communication in college was e-mail (see here for more info). Upon graduation I got my first cell phone (still have the same # I was first issued amazingly enough) and used it sparingly to call friends and family (again, see above link).

…so its now 2012, see much of the above still does applies, sadly. And yes, I still have the same phone number…hit me up! (the end of that sentence just shows you how out of touch I am with the new breed of teenagers) Obviously I did not finish that train of thought at the time, thus is sat on the shelf, collecting dust, allowing time pass, allowing more technology to be invented, and widening the gap between past and present. With technology developing at such an exponential rate, a lot has changed in that time. But with any advances in technology, and far too often, societal changes are not considered for the sake of greater laziness. I’m this has been believed since our grandfathers’ grandfathers experienced life with electricity for the first time, “these elevators are going to make these kids all fat and lazy.” If they only knew how right they were. Thus the reason why I am calling this my old man rant. Now, picking up where my ’08 self left off…

‘12, not yet a teen but in that awkward stage of development when you start noticing “those changes”. I can’t even imagine what life must be like for the youth of today, and I interact with them on a daily basis. One thing is for sure, their cell phones are firmly implanted to their person. If desire is the aspiration of progress, then you’ll be seeing Bluetooth contacts with a heads-up displace of cell phone screens in the not too distant future. (helps that I have already implanted suggested that idea to my student) I crossed out implanted because in the future they are going to implant microchips into our brains so can remember things. Which is a good thing because I read some where that access to all these search engines, looking up information instantaneously, is causing our long term memories to shrink. Until that is accomplished there’s a chance that my students won’t remember my suggestion and we’ll remain left with young, distracted danger-mobiles on our American roads. Let’s hope we all make it out of our teen years.

Don’t get me wrong, many of these advances have provided our population with improved quality of life, longer lives, easier lives, allowing us to do other things with our lives. However, much to the detriment to society, some of these technological advances can create unintended side effects. And if you don’t see the rise in popularity of zombie-themed pop-culture productions as a metaphor for our mindless dependence on technology, then maybe you are one yourself. And that’s today’s word.

Hello, 2007, it's me, 2012.

I step out into the cold, turn up my collar to the brisk wind that swirls in this barren wasteland of modern life. It’s the year, 2012 anno domini – and in this futuristic landscape you’ll find images that would be unrecognizable to my younger eyes, things only a sci-fi film of 2007 could create with computer generated effects. As I look around with amazed bewilderment I see people staring at small, portable devices with screens that emanate bright colors and sounds, unable to tear themselves away long enough even to acknowledge the traffic that is also not acknowledging them as they walk across – what is now seen as a loose interpretation of an intersection (see, in the future, for most, laws are mere suggestions). Well, citizens of 2007, I write to you from the future, a time spiraling out of control toward a vast and powerful worm-hole of technology, greed, and divisiveness. Speaking of…

Politics

Hey, you remember all those movies that were set in “the future” and you knew that because the President of the U.S. was black (it is ok to say black now, as appose to African-American because most black people don’t want to be lumped in with actual African-American – immigrants from Africa. How futuristic is that?!?). Well, the future is here my friends…Barack Obama was elected as the first black president (well, half-black, but it’s a step in the right direction). He was also the first black president to get re-elected, not bad for first timer. And in those movies, the Presidents had to deal with some kind of natural apocalypse threatening to put major cities under water or in a snow-covered wasteland? Well, that almost happened (see “Superstorm Sandy”, even the name conjures up a Roland Emmerich / Jerry Bruckheimer -esque flicks) Some blame the destruction on NYC and NJ on their liberal debauchery and secular tendencies…I blame Snooki and “The Situation” for being, well, Snooki and “The Situation” - that and global warming, speaking of…

Technology

The aforementioned and often commented on cell phone addiction has exponentially worsened. As predicted by yours truly, cellular devices have replaced actually human interaction. Remember when your phones could only make voice calls and send text messages…well now you can ignore people in the virtual world as well, by using your phones to access the internet, check facebook (oh, that’s this site that’s like myspace but easier to use, and now is kind of unpopular amongst the kids because more people are using it…even your parents), oh, and twitter. Speaking of…are we supposed to be interested in what Kathy Griffin thinks of Dancing with the Voice Stars X-Factor? Apparently people do because they’ll emerge themselves in the digital glow of pixels while enjoying a meal in a romantic restaurant with their significant others, who are also emerged in the ambient glow of LED illumination. Speaking of…

Pop Culture 

You know those annoying reality TV shows that dilute your cable TV menu…well, imagine them on steroids…yeah, Lance Armstrong style. The Voice, X-Factor, Dancing with the Stars: All-stars, Undercover Boss, Kitchen Nightmares, American Pickers, Coast Guard: Miami, America’s Next Top Baby’s Daddy: Most Wanted Alimony Avoider Edition. I mean, reality shows that are on channels that have nothing to do with the content of the reality show. Pawn Stars on History Channel? Oh, and the so-called stars of these shows somehow make more money than firefighters, police officers, teachers, factory workers, military personnel…combined (ok, that might be an exaggeration). Of course, if we didn’t watch them, they wouldn’t be on. I blame you 2007, if we had just stopped watching American Idol after they discovered the only 5 talented singers in the country not already discovered, then we would have never gone down this shit-slide of muddled mediocrity.  Speaking of…

This blog

So those blog posts you added in that ancient and archaic year of 2007, maybe you should have done some revising to fix all those grammatical errors, what are you, some kind of uneducated 2012 high school student? Get with the program. Now, if you could give me some advice on how to find that great age of innocence, to remember what makes something humorous, and to find the time to update this thing more than once every 5 years.

2007, my memories of you are fading to an unrecognizable blur of faces and events, like ripples in a pond of time. Your bright optimism and sundrenched world have been replaced with dim pessimism and cloud covered days….wait, 2012 isn’t all that bad. It’s actually pretty awesome. Bet you wish you had access to iPads, self-parking cars, and holograms (ok, that one isn’t here yet, but we’re closer to it than you 2007, ha!) So stay tuned 2007, cause 2013 is just around the corner (if we are all still here – I’m looking at you, Mayans). Get ready for some not-so-humorous, often ridiculous, and definitely erroneous dribble coming to a sundrenched world near you.

Bottle Up and Explode

This is a continuation of a post I made back in May…wow, I really haven’t been blogging…

Step 11: The longest hour. That hour right after you return from lunch has got to be the longest hour of your entire life. See, each day it gets longer and longer, thus becoming the longest hour of your life - with the exception of that hour you sat next to the big, smelly guy on the plane that kept looking for the flight attendant to order his next round of drinks as a continuation of his layover hangover busting romp in the airport bar. So now you are back at work, calls are waiting, your stomach is turning after eating something that appeared to be a chicken sandwich but you are now thinking it was fried rubber, because, hey, everything tastes like chicken. Anyway, your all too brief respite is soon forgotten as the work piles up and your co-workers have all gone off on yet another birthday luncheon for someone you aren’t even sure works in your office. As your body begins to make noises and hemorrhages that alerts seismometers of subterranean movement and you think you might just spontaneously implode you look at the clock and it has only be 15 minutes since you returned.

Step 12: Afternoon “nap.” At this point you have survived the morning obstacles to the shower, the nascar race they call a morning commute, the co-worker arrival gauntlet to your desk, the over-caffeinated callers and their fix-my-problem-now user incompetence issues, and the after lunch, steel cage match, bare-fisted bout your stomach had with your large and small intestines. Now it is time for that caffeine induced afternoon crash. That blissful, quiet time of the day when you shut out the world, stare off into space as if you had blinders on. Calls go unanswered but you don’t care. Paper work blows away with the wind like leaves in autumn. Drifting, drifting away. Reality and daydreams meld together and you lose track which is which. You call your male co-worker Alice and the e-mail notification sound is like seagulls chirping just outside your beach front home. The hand on your computer screen that signifies a link can be clicked looks like one of those foam hands saying your team is #1 as your team wins the big game. Whammm. Back to reality, some server went down and the place has gone to ludicrous speed with people all up in a frenzy.

Step 13: Final countdown. Waiting, watching the clock, its 4 o’clock, its got to stop….I know, I know, too many unrelated musical references there but you get the point. Those last few agonizing minutes when you are doing everything possible to make the time go by faster…even by doing work, actual work. Amazing, never thought I would see the day when you would actually do work because the alternative is you being so bored that time has completely stopped. Now fellow disgruntled employee, hang in there for it is almost time to go, almost time to leave all of this behind, relax, sleep, then start all over again in a few hours. What a fun life we have.

Step 14: Closing time. So the clock has struck that time, you know that time, the one that releases the 300 pound weight that you’ve been supporting on your head for the past 6+ hours, that time of the day that if you work in a factory back in the 19th century or a query in Bedrock would be accompanied with a steam whistle or a really loud prehistoric bird screaming. Now it is time for the escape. Imagine that scene in Indiana Jones, no, not the one when everyone melts away for looking at the arc, you know, the one at the beginning, where Indy is stealing the golden skull looking thing. He weighs the bag of sand trying to judge to right weight, then makes the switch. All is clear right? No booty traps this time, you mean booby traps, that’s what I said, booby traps. But we all know better. And like a big ass perfectly round rock chasing after us, we take off. Throwing caution to the wind we dodge poison darts flying, jumping bottomless caverns, get chased by unruly natives with bad haircuts only to end up in a plane, sitting on a snake…there are motherf$%king snakes on the motherf$%king plane! But hey, you got out of there. Your prize? A stress-filled drive home that includes red lights at every traffic light, a bottle neck at another road repair site, and some guy on a Moped. Then you get stuck in a major traffic jam and that guy on the Moped goes tooting by with that annoying little motor like the turtle beating the hare.

Step 15: Home life. Finally you arrive home. Now what? Dinner. Maybe a little ranting to a loved one or loved ones, real or virtual (present company included). A hot shower to rid yourself of the filth that you accumulated on your body, mind, and soul over the course of the day. How ‘bout some mindless TV watching? Or a movie? Are you just wasting time until it is time to go off to dreamland? Are we all just working for the weekend? (you can never get enough ‘80s references) Well, it is now up to you to take this 15 step program and flip it on its end, heels over head, and shake things up because this daily minutia should always be avoided at all possible opportunities.

One Step Up From Monkeys

So I have this play list that lasts exactly 30 minutes (for running purposes I made lists that last various lengths of time) anyway, I recently wronged someone I am very close to and it got me thinking about relationships. Somehow this play list fit exactly with the situation. Here’s how it felt to me.

“So why you gotta act like you know when you don’t know. Its ok if you don’t know everything.” - Ben Folds

This lyric should be heard by every man, boy, husband, and boyfriend in the world...or any celebrity who thinks they're the greatest thing to come down the road since the Model-T.

“Open your mouth just to talk me down. You’re sincere as any neon sign.” - AJ Roach

Why guys ever think they can talk their way out of anything is beyond me. It’s like we are 12 years-old permanently. Caught dead in the act like deer in headlights, we still try to play it off like we were giving CPR or a mammogram. “It wasn’t me. Hey, it wasn’t me.” Anyone who has listened to Eddie Murphy’s Raw knows what I’m talking about. So brilliant and timeless. If anything, in this modern-day, technological society we can get caught more easily. The technology has advanced, men have not. (I should say in self-defense this does not pertain to my situation, but after saying the above, I can see where you might think this is just another excuse) Regardless of the wrong, we still go to great lengths to avoid admittance of said wrong.

“I don’t care if it hurts. I wanna have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.” - Radiohead

I’m a creep, you’re a creep, we are all creeps. Face it, for some reason we treat people like crap even when they don’t deserve it. This selfish society we live in. We are stuck on esthetics, superficial looks and popularity. We want to be in control of our environment. Disillusions, yes, but we still strive. Maybe one day we will learn that the environment controls us, not the other way around. Things happen that are out of our control and people get hurt. It is how we handle the hurt that makes us better people and realize that, in reality, we are not creeps.

“So much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don’t we?” - Placebo

A relationship brings out the extremes of emotions. If we hate then we must love. Without hate, then we are without feelings, including love and affection. Just as long as the latter far out weighs the former. Imagine a relations ship is one big teeter-tooter and that big, husky kid is love. Every once-in-a-while he’s gotta get something to eat, but don’t you worry, he’ll be back to try and launch that little scrawny kid of hate into the sand box 40 feet away.

“Maybe I aught to mention, it was never my intension to harm you our your kin” - David Gray

Seriously, I don’t think guys ever go into a relationship intending to screw someone over, we’re not that clever. In fact, I’m not sure if we ever know truly why we get involved in anything except contests that prove our being men. Maybe that’s the reason for anything we do.

“It’s a small crime, and I have no excuse. Is that alright with you?” - Damien Rice

I think it is our jobs as men to apologies for things we never knew we did, or didn’t, do. Don’t ask me why. Must be a combination of skull thickness, percentage of time distracted by anything else, and lack of any real intelligence. Sure, we can tell you the number, location, and marital status of every attractive girl within a 1000 foot radius of us at all times, but pick up on blatantly obvious signals and messages our significant other is throwing out there right in front of you? Must be genetic. Forgiveness seems to be as simple as an apology in some cases, and as complex as life changes that involve walking on your hands and sleeping under water in others. And it makes it that much more difficult when you are unsure how you have wronged or when. Relationships are complex and guys are not complex beings, kind of like water and oil – they don’t mix too good. But no matter what it takes, if a relationship is to end, must be honest and understand why. Spite is not a good reason, nor is “I need the free time now that pre-season is over”

“Where are we? What the hell is going on? Dust has only begun to form crop circles in the carpet.” - Imogen Heap

So that leaves us on the other side. Things are ok. Another situation faced, forged, and cleared. It will only make the relationship stronger. Perfection is an illusion and more situations will arise. We will learn from our past. With all our faults, we guys really aren’t that bad, are we? So ladies, please bear with us, one day we might surprise you. Just like the ecosystem we will adapt to global warming, if not, we’ll become extinct…like polar bears.

Not So Deep Thoughts III

- No offense to anyone in Gaza, but death by drowning in a sewage flood might be one of the worst ways to die. Not that any way is really all that good.
- I think I’m going to start walking around pretending to talk on my cell phone so that it looks like I’m popular…or at least mildly important.
- Are people really getting that bad at geography and becoming that lazy that we need cars to tell us where to go now? This is just the first step in the complete take over of the world by The Machines. Terminator? Matrix anyone? Those are just possible future documentaries.
- Would it be inappropriate and/or morbid to send an e-vite for your own funeral?
- I wonder what percentage of the world really gives a crap what happens to you.
- Anticipation is the best and worst feeling ever
- It is hard to hold your head up when you have no reason to
- “One day I’m going to grow wings – a chemical reaction.” Some days I wish Radiohead songs would come true.
- How many ways can you come up with to distract you mind from thoughts you don’t want to be thinking? (still not enough)
- Some things just can’t be avoided, like all the forces in the universe are tag teaming against you – and they are all on steroids.
- Boots in the summer? Times keep on achangin’.
- What’s the Russian word for “idiot” because I am sure it is exactly what I need to hear and probably sounds much more ruthless, scary, and appropriate than “idiot”
- Why does everything sound more creep when it is said by a monotone computer voice reading text.
- Anything made in the ‘70s just seems funny to me now: horror movies, TV shows, clothes….me. Fortunately they didn’t have hi-def TV or recording equipment…your children are going to hate you about 20 years from now.
- Anyone else worried that the girl in the Will Farrell landlord video is going to grow up to be just like Lindsey Lohan?
- Everyone is so impatient…most of you probably didn’t even make it to this thought (note to self, never embed links to funny videos on youtube, readers will never come back)
- Why do kids make everything seem so much more humorous?
- I’m sorry for everything I have done wrong to anyone I know.

Can't Make a Sound

Why I hate my job and other things that put me in the mood to listen to Elliott Smith. In a vain attempt to make myself the new dooce.com, sans the humorous literary commentary and edgy, put-it-all-on-the-table openness, let me just try relay to you the absurdity of my job. I am sure many of you can relate unless you work from home and never, ever, have to deal with stupid people. Right. So, now please join me in a collective scream at the top of your lungs to put you in the appropriate mood for the following diatribe on the fake plastic cubical life. Now let me preempt this by mentioning that I work at a technology helpdesk and I am happy to have a job that allows me to do many things other corporate type jobs do not allow, like access the internet [although that is kind of essential for this job], use a cell phone if need be, listen to music, and have flexible hours. But the pay is crappy so I guess it all works out. At least I have a job, albeit temporarily, but this is more a commentary for people who are stuck in jobs they would rather not be in…which I know is actually a smaller fraction than many people would believe. See, in America we have the fortunate opportunity to seek other employment if we are unhappy with our current one, given the right skill set and desire. I just happen to be in one of those transitional periods where I am trying to acquire the necessary skill set to move on to something I prefer better than this current situation…which is just about any other job.

Any given day begins with the blaring, earlier-than-the-Devil-wakes-up ungodly hour alarm that varies between pitch black and blinding sunlight throughout the course of the four seasons on Earth.

Step 1: Sleep walk to the shower while avoiding serious toe stubbing or forehead rapping, always a craps shoot on hot water availability, and stare blankly at the man you have become in the mirror wondering where the years went and why evolution hasn’t stopped your beard from growing so that you don’t have to shave at least once a week.

Step 2: Clothes. Inevitably whatever you wear will not be appropriate for whatever occasion or weather that will have to be faced that day. “I swear the weather said it would be sunny and 85 today.” And as you attempt to run in between the downpour raindrops to your car, you remember you have a meeting with the boss’ boss’ boss today: performance review. You know, the one after the one you got the comments about dressing more appropriately for work. And on that day you thought it was “wear your favorite character’s costume from Pirates of the Caribbean day” at work.

Step 3: The commute. For whatever reason, no matter what time you head to work, EVERYONE in your city/town is also heading to work at that time, and all of them are late for work. No matter how fast you drive, it is never fast enough so cars weave around you like you are one of those cones on the stunt driving courses you see in the car commercials because the late employee commuter is exactly the target market they envisioned when engineering that car.

Step 4: Find a parking spot. This may not pertain to everyone but anyone who works in a city or for a large university knows what I’m talking about. That fun musical chairs game like they have in that new VW, Kia, or Volvo commercial, except involving more fender-benders – not a very safe game to play kids. Don’t try it at home. Or your other option is to pay what amounts to higher rent to park your car than to live in your first apartment…and still have to walk a half mile to your desk.

Step 5: Get to your desk. Imagine it is the Middle Ages and you have been stripped naked, forced to run a gauntlet of whips and spits, mud and crud, and chains and rains. Except in the modern office it is each and every co-worker making a comment about getting caught in the rain, or something about the weather, or “how was your weekend?”, “Its Friday!” or “I can’t wait until the weekend, the week is going by sooooo slow”, that ridiculous minutiae that excels in wasting that precious life minutes at a time. It regurgitates that vomit you had been repressing since that Friday night binge you went on just to forget all that tedious bullshit in the first place.

Step 6: Start it up. Oh, flashbacks to corporate retreats and team building exercises to the Rolling Stones…the head’s still pounding, like a bad brain freeze. OK, now go through your mental checklist: caffeine – check, writing utensils – check, paper – check, phone login – check, deafening volume emitting headphones – check. Now, if the stars align just right, the planets make a straight line from the sun outward, and comet dust is sprinkled just in the right places then your computer will turn on, have internet connection, and the e-mail servers will be actually delivering messages.

Step 7: Work? Probably the high point of the day comes just before you start doing actual work, for a few short, brief minutes you check your personal e-mail, catch up on the late sports results, check your fantasy sports squads, get updates on world and local news events, and read those daily comics. Then it is all down hill from there - for the entire rest of your work day. And by the end, you finish lower than when you started, kind of like the stock market during a recession.

Step 8: Work. Don’t get too excited now. I know you are in your 8’ x 8’ cubicle surrounded by people who might actually want to do less work than you and the only windows you get to look at are provided by Bill Gates and expand to a whopping 19” at best, but please hold the enthusiasm – serious work needs to be accomplished. Alright, time to start taking a few calls…forgot your password? OK, no problem. Why? How am I supposed to know why you forgot your password? Maybe you should take out that stupid rod that’s impaled through your skull. Yes, that very thick skull. There, now isn’t that better? Oh, watch out! Oh no, I think you might have just been stabbed by the idiot stick. Yes, you need to use a number in your new password, see, exactly how it tells you there in the instructions on the screen in front of you. Thank you for call, look forward to talking to you in about 5 minutes when you forget what you set it to. Bu bye.

Step 9: Avoid work. Now is the time you seek out any and all possible avenues to avoid doing actual work. Use the bathroom, take a smoke break (even if you don’t smoke), walk around with papers in your hand and look really frustrated like you are trying to accomplish something really important or looking for someone to help you, this will send any and all running in the opposite direction. Check work e-mail even if you have read it all already, gives you a good excuse not to be answering phone calls. One hour later, answer another call just to keep a good appearance. Hello. Your computer’s not working you say? OK, what seems to be the problem? It is not working, hmm. You tried turning the monitor on and off? That’s good, that probably should have worked, yeah, definitely, good work. Now how about we actually try restarting the computer. Yes, that box looking thing on the floor. Yeah, it sure does take a while to load. What can be done to fix it? Besides removing the 18 IM applications that all load at start up? Yes, I understand, you gots to stay in touch with your peeps. Yeah. No, you probably should be trying to open that application while the computer is still booting, most likely why it takes even longer to open it. Oh, it is working now? Yeah, pretty amazing. Yes, it must be because you called the helpdesk, haha, never heard that one before, it always seems to work when you are talking to us, yes. Murphy’s law, yep, uhmm, yep. OK, bu bye.

Step 10: Lunch. Yes, that’s right, it is only lunch time.

Speaking of which, time for me to take a break. I should finish this on Monday and post the rest then. Appropriately on a Monday. You might see a different mood in that post, should be fun.

Blog Surfing

Blog surfing, or hopping, or spin the roulette wheel, watch the tiny ball bounce around in a circle to fall on…some random French blog. OK, one more time, place your bets…a 27 year old Chinese web designer. And needless to say, other more non-appropriate web sites have also been encountered. Maybe this blog roulette game isn’t the best way to pass one’s time trying to find good blogs.

Then again, sometimes you come across posts like this:

“I am a gangsta!I am a gangsta!Gansta drink milk.. Yummy.Gansta eat pies.. Yummy.Gansta say he's gangsta.. Yay.bah, ok..I got a new phone!!! WOoHOOOOO!!!!”

Now that is some informative, thought provoking, hard hitting blogging one comes to expect from the blog ‘verse. Honestly, I think a majority of the people who blog nowadays do it for no specific reason whatsoever. Venting, ranting, entertainment, personal statements, keep in touch with friends or make new ones. Some are themed with multiple contributors, some are aimed at specific people. Regardless, blogging is just another form of subversive communication that looks to undermine actual communication. The youth of our generation could presumably live an entire life only knowing and communicating with people online, with little need for real personal interaction. Pretty soon we’ll all just be meeting at virtual bars with our 2-D pictures floating around checking out other 2-D pictures before getting annoyed at the pictures who are dancing on top of the tables screaming the lyrics to some Gwen Stefani song. Oh, and dropping about an $80 tab. Nice. But hey, it will all work out when you save that money on the cab ride home and the 6 pizzas you order when you get there…for yourself because it just sounded like a reallllllyyy good idea. Best ever. You are a genius.

Sorry, back to blogging, and isn’t sort of paradoxical to be blogging about blogging? I should mention the small percentage of blogs that I have found thus far to be fairly entertaining – they’re like social glimpses into lives of people that have nothing to do with your life in any way, none, sort of like watching a reality TV show but with a bit more honesty and a lot less acting. Just in this session of Blog surfing:

http://darling247.blogspot.com/ (a vet with 190+ posts, long posts)
http://jekkababy.blogspot.com/ (aspiring Peace Corp member)
http://marisa-peek.blogspot.com/ (world traveler)
http://thedancingkids.blogspot.com/ (think of the traveling gnome)

But really, just like gambling, that ‘Next Blog>>’ link at the top using blogspot is about as addictive as, well, gambling…only without the fear of losing your entire life’s savings – although you never know in this day and age.

Happy Slapping

So the French are considering a law to stop what they call “happy slapping.” It prohibits the filming and posting on the internet videos of real, actual violence, such as fights and police brutality. This type of law is worrisome for a few different reasons. First, France is not China, and China shouldn’t even be like China, so this type of move totalitarian effort by a governing body needn’t be taken lightly. I do not condone the use of violence and certainly frown upon the posting of it on the internet for humiliating purposes, but what it does is protects the rights of citizens and provides useful evidence for the public to make personal and informed judgments. Secondly, where does it end? If the government looks to control the information citizens see, hear, or can even talk about, then that’s like putting the car in reverse while going 65 on I-95. I’ve never tried it but I know we all have considered throwing that gear shift to that red ‘R’ while sitting in the passenger seat of our friend’s ’82 VW Rabbit and I can’t imagine it would be good for the transmission. It is the age old question of who is going to police the police. James Madison felt very strongly about a system of checks and balances and it should be citizens’ right to expose brutality by police or even other citizens in an effort to curtail unnecessary violence in the future. If the government can watch us with cameras, wire taps, and/or surveillance, then we should be able to do the same in the public realm. Lastly, restricting the posting of such videos on the un-policed internet is just another segment of the ongoing debate on internet regulation. As grey as an un-selectable link, the internet has become a virtual community without law or governance, but with all the dangers. Where do we draw the line between freedom/privacy and control/safety? By the time regulations are place by states or the national government, technology has changed and moved on.

Mood Swings

Mood Swings…it sounds like a ride you would find at an amusement park for hippies, right there between the Black Light Haunted Cave and the Grateful Dead-Drop – “freefall from 20 stories while never leaving the ground.” I am not sure what causes us to go from happy jubilance to locked-in-our-room-shut-ins burning candles and listening to easy listening 80’s music (Good ol’ Michael Bolton). Speaking of which, anyone notice the recent run of Office Space on TV? Classic. But not even a movie like Office Space can break us out of the doldrums of depression, yet, some days not even torrential downpours can knock us off cloud nine.

So how can we swing so far so fast? One moment you are cracking up at a David Cross joke about picking up women from a garbage truck, the next we are huddled in a corner of a dark room listening to Yacht Rock classics like “Rosanna” or “Sarah” (“no time is a good time for goodbye” - so powerful because its true) or some other song with a girl’s name as the title. Is it a chemical imbalance? Mental abuses during adolescence? An affinity for riding the emotional roller-coaster backwards at night with no lights, upside-down wearing a soaking wet bathing suit and t-shirt because you thought it would be a bright idea to ride the splash-down water slides so that you could freeze your butt off while on your 60mph trip into emotional oblivion because you want the additional pain?

Should we all become emotionally numb like all the extras in every 1950’s sci-fi flick that took place in a monotone uniform-wearing future? Well that’s not the answer. Should we avoid over-the-top drama that is portrayed in a Telemundo soap opera? Probably a good idea. But sometimes rational thought doesn’t help in emotional situations. The ‘snap’ analogy or ‘switch’ that some analysts use to describe emotional breakdowns aren’t just snazzy catch words.

Mood Swings…sounds like a dance club the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies would play at – “express your free spirit and defiance of the Great Depression through the art of dance.” As quickly as it takes to throw your partner over your head and pull them through your legs while spinning them 18 times, a person’s mood can shift with a single phone call, a bad burrito, or an alarm clock. It can be your partner wanting to sit this one out or preferring to do the hop, or can-can instead of the swing.

Mood Swings…sounds like a sports bar dedicated to baseball, tennis, and golf – the only sports that will put a swing back in your step, with the help of alcohol consumption, large TV screens, and surrounded by highly emotional and devout fans who are always on the verge of full out brawl. A mood is emotionally charged with events that include an individual’s invested interests. So a drop of a putt, a 9th inning game-winning home run, a well placed drop shot can make or break a person’s day or mood. Why do sports control our emotional strings like a tightly strung racket? Maybe this is what separates (generalizations forthcoming, be warned) men from women. A sports team winning is like buying new shoes, there, that should make it more understandable. Now guys, come with me to page 2…


Ever felt like punching a wall or giving high five to anyone within a 30 foot radius after a touchdown? Then you know what I am talking about, it isn’t just a game, it is status amongst your friends, its bragging rights for a whole year, its pride, and to proudly to exclaim THIS IS MY SCHOOL/TEAM AND WE ARE GOOD!

So there you go, mood swings…it sounds like…well, I think you get the point. So on those days that everything seems dreary and glum, as if the sun will never shine again, remember that the pendulum will swing back, continuing the cosmic balance of fate. The sun will remain unwavering, we just have to wait for the world to turn, and it will. News channels flash images of death, despair, accidents, and tragedies because they make better stories and keep viewers transfixed. But daily, society progresses and builds, people recover and even grow stronger, victims are remembered and future ones are saved by the formers’ sacrifices. When acts of violence seem senseless and unsettling, acts of kindness will prevail.

Not So Deep Thoughts II

Things have been hectic at work, I will be having nightmares about telephones ringing for the next 3 weeks I'm sure. (Speaking of which....) so I've only had time to type up some random thoughts I've had over the past week, so here's your next edition of "not-so-deep thoughts":

- Since when did car horns go from being a instrument of warning to a tool of showing interest in the opposite sex?

- I'm going to start handing flyers to people who hand out flyers expressing my dislike for people who hand out flyers, although I respect their right to do so.

- I wonder how miss manners would feel about talking on your cell phone while eating with someone else at the table, I will ask her as soon as she gets off the phone.

- When are togas going to come back in style?

- I feel if you are going to protest something, at least get more than 10 people to commit, because you know at least 5 or 6 are going to phone it in.

- Why do they have protests on college campuses? I mean that's not the voting demographic that is really going to make a difference in this country's leadership.

- No president knows everything about everything...the problem is when there is one who know very little about very few things.

- Does Santa really use msn messenger and where do they get off making that claim?

- Can you ever have too many hanging folders?

- The supply officers of any company have all the power except...

- Keys are the keys to power, the more you have, the more powerful you are. Janitorial staff are the most powerful people in any building and most of them don't even know it. And without them, the industrialized world would come to a scretching halt.

- Hospitals promote the class hierarchical establishment by requiring uniforms of different colors. But if I'm in medical need, get me one of those people with white coats 'cause I don't want my life in the hands of those purple people. (honestly I really don't know what the different colors mean and this is for humor purposes only, so if you are a purple person, I apologies, especially if you could save my life)

- Are all blogs really this preachy? Am I saying anything new here that hasn't been already written by a 15 year old freshmen high school student in a creative writing class with a project due tomorrow morning and just goes and makes things up to turn in?

- Is this really worth your time reading? At some point I might actually put something educational on here.

As the world turns...

Drama, drama, drama. This country seems to be obsessed with drama. Reality TV shows rely solely on scripts that revolve around drama. I call it the “Real World” generation. The first reality TV show I can recall was MTV’s “The Real World”. We all know the story of seven people picked to live in a house…blah, blah, blah. I was intrigued that first season, you remember, the one with that rock-a-robics dancer guy, the closet gay guy, the comic, the drama queen, the aspiring musicians, the model, the guy from the ‘backwoods’. Oh, wait, maybe I should be more specific since that’s pretty much every season. This was the one in New York, again, more specific, the New York loft. It had Eric Nies, that singer who looked like Shannon Hoon, the stand-up comic, and the singer-song writer girl. They had the racial tension and the sexual tension…more importantly, it had the drama, and the benefit of being the first, laying down the frame work for all future mediocre reality series from then on: The Real World seasons 2-68, The Road Rules, The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, Survivor, The Amazing Race, The Real World Challenge: The Amazing Survivor Race: Antartica, So You Think You Can Dance with the Stars of American Idol in -20 Degrees?

Of course these lead to the drama-filled, edge-of-your-seat excitement, game shows, like: Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, The Hot Seat with John McEnroe, 1 vs. 100, Deal or No Deal, and the Golf Channel’s…whatever that golf challenge show’s called that gets you a chance to play in a no-name tour tournament. (Don’t get me wrong, I would love a chance to be on that show because there would be no other way I would have an opportunity to play at Pebble Beach). And let me tell you, the drama is oozing all throughout these shows. Most of it produced using bad editing techniques and long, unnecessary pauses. Oh, and the commentary, that gut wrenching, heart-string pulling, Barbara Walters-would-be-envious, commentary. Imagine if the World Series of Poker was produced by “The Contenders” producers (coincidentally the same ones that created The Real World):

It’s Day 1 of the World Series of Poker and at the main event, everyone has hopes of making it to the coveted final table. Jim here comes from Annapolis, Maryland were he lives with his wife and new eleven month old baby girl. After this tournament Jim will be shipping out to China and must leave his family behind, wondering when he will be home again. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment above a Sushi shop and must feed the baby leftover pieces of rice and seaweed, an ironic twist on Jim’s naval career. Jim paid the entry fee by selling his car, childhood baseball card collection, tapping into his daughter’s college fund, and some money he borrowed from what he calls “acquaintances”……………..the tension’s mounting as he goes all in on the second hand of the day…………………………………………………………………………………the flop……………………………………….he picks up a pair but his opponent who made the gutsy call, Phil Ivey, has a flush draw…………………………..the turn, Jim picks up ANOTHER Queen to a make three of a kind, no clubs for Ivey’s flush draw…………………………………….the River………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………oh, there comes the 3 of clubs, Phil Ivey gets his flush and that’s it for Jim’s dreams of making it to the final table. He didn’t even make it into the money, too bad, he only had 7,326 more knock outs to go.…From Jim’s dismay to Julie’s triumph! Julie picks up two pair and nabs a modest pot as we get rolling on Day 1….we’ll be back after this commercial break.

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Welcome back to the World Series of Poker where your life can change with one turn of the card…[enter loud, blaring theme music]…

Yes, the drama. We love to see pictures of stars have cat fights outside of LA nightclubs or read about on set bickering or romances. What is that? Brady and Moynahan are having a baby and they are not even together?!? Britney Spears lost her mind and her hair?!? Papa Smurf got a hit put on him by Tony Soprano??? Now that’s some drama. We as Americans thrive on drama, in our relationships (why? I don’t know), on our television shows (so much better when it happens to other people), in our sports (gives something for the ladies to watch), and in our celebrities (we love to see the mighty fall…and its damn funny). If only we felt so inspired about seeing the real life drama that occurs everyday throughout the world…and instead of laughing, we actually helped. But where’s the fun in that, right?

Exposed

This recent and overwhelming call to blog has left me with quite a dilemma. As a few of my closest confidants warned me of the dangers of putting yourself out there on the internet, you know, expressing an opinion. Particularly for someone who will be entering a career in the public sector, and as important as the one I have chosen. Yes, you guessed it…Miss America. Oh, now that would be a funny post. (Speaking of which, Miss USA Tara Conner will be on Larry King Live this evening at 9pm)

See, here I had planned on writing a witty repartee on the pageant and male competitors but I feel that I must censor myself, thus not be funny, thus return to the true, underlying topic at hand: Internet and the public sphere. Miss America, or Teen Miss America, you know, the one the Donald let off the hook with a slap on the wrist. Well, I would like to think that Donald Trump is aware of the changing and modernizing of American culture. Kids, young adults, and even recent college graduates have been exposed to the internet since they could walk and talk, some even before. Computers and the internet are revolutionizing the world in ways that we can’t even predict. Just the other day, I was having lunch at a decent eatery in the area. The popularity of said eatery required close proximity to other patrons. Conversations were inevitably overheard (ironically like posting on the internet) and a group of recent college graduates were seated next to us. One of the young women exasperated on about a situation she recently had. The long short of it is, she used a phrase so common nowadays that it should be place along side the annals of such verbs as googled, or, well… blogged. She ‘myspaced’ a recently encountered individual and found some unwanted information involving a fiancé, yada, yada, yada. Other warnings have crossed my path recently from professors and relatives and here I pass it on to you dear readers / fellow bloggers. Anything – ANYTHING – you post on the internet, no matter how secure or believed private sites, can resurface in the future. Information, media, pictures, all can be downloaded, copied, stored, re-posted halfway across the globe.

Picture this, you are a 9 year old kid, you Dad tells you to do something cool while he is pointing his phone/digital video recorder at you. So you start gyrating and breaking off some funky funk moves in your kitchen…next thing you know little kids in Taipei are gathering around a laptop watching you go all weeble-wobble like. Eight years later you are randomly on vacation in New York City, walking with your lady and you see yourself on the big screen in Time Square and she breaks down in hysterical laughter. Then they turn it into a Cisco commercial…not cool.

Moral of the story my children…lock yourself in the deepest, darkest, devoid of all light and technology dungeon, with only books, musical instruments (no recording devices), and Tom Hanks movies until everyone is low-jacked and walking around in one-piece silver jump suits.

Balancing Act

As we all know, all things in life can be referenced to a Seinfeld, Simpsons, Arrested Development, or Friends episode. Trust me, give it a try. Haven’t we all wanted to be a mascot for a minor league baseball team? Gone out with that girl with man hands? Joined an alliance of Magicians? Been infatuated with a girl then meet someone else only to find out the girl you were infatuated with is now infatuated with you which causes you to get your second divorce only to date for a little while, break up, then get back together when you are like 45 years old and still living in a two bedroom apartment with the same people you did 12 years ago? Yeah, same here. Its like they were broadcasting our lives into our homes every Thursday night. Which is weird because they never showed them watching TV with a show about a group of Friends.

So we come to the concept of balance. As some of you may recall the Seinfeld episode where everything seems to balance out for Jerry, it couldn’t be more true to life. To put it in economic terms, in the long run we always return to the equilibrium. This could also explain the return of the denim outfit and square sunglasses, maybe that’s just the equilibrium of American fashion. That’s a frightening thought. What goes around, comes around, cyclical. Moving wave-like though, and I am sure there is some kind of calculus formula for the area under a sine wave that explains it all, but I wasn’t the best student in that subject. I was pretty good at trig and geometry…must be the world of balances balancing out my math skills.

“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable” – Mitch Hedberg

Balance is important. Yin and Yang. Good and evil. Right and wrong. Day and Night. Neo and Agent Smith. One cannot exist without the other and too much of one will kill you. Too much of anything is bad for you…water = drown, sun = dehydration, alcohol = alcohol poisoning, The Brady Bunch = an overwhelming feeling Marsha is always stealing your thunder that leads to a mental break down and intervention by Peter who seems to be the only person who noticed, at which point Alice comes in and discovers the dog is missing and blames you for not being responsible. It never pays to be jealous. Oh, right, or too much of one thing.

So as you can see, balance is a good thing to have in life. Financial, emotional, love, communication. It keeps us from spinning off into the universe or being swallowed into a deep, dark hole – which you find to be really big worm with teeth that just happens to be using your asteroid hideaway as a den (you can never have too many Star Wars references, oh wait, that contradictory to my whole point, so I guess you can). And when the down times come, and they do, remember things will get better, things balance, times will return to the equilibrium and beyond. Try to see the best of a situation and it won’t make the bad times seem so bad and soon you will be back to your old, wonderful self. I think this pertains to so many of you that this is intended for no one in particular. Maybe I am writing this to myself, who knows.

Balance is found everywhere in nature. Tides, seasons, earthquakes, air pressure, lightning…they are all looking for equilibrium. Balance wins championships in the sports world. Balance keeps you from falling off exercise apparatuses, taking a nice gash out of your shin that requires 12 stitches, while you were playing around at your sister’s middle school track meet. I wish I had better balance.

Chivalry Article

CHIVALRY IS DEAD! After a long investigation into the disappearance and subsequent discovery of the brutal remains, it has been concluded that Chivalry died of exposure to post-modern attitudes and egotism, an autopsy report states. First reported several years ago, chivalry had been reported missing since the late 1950s where it was believed the feminism movement, working conjointly with a retaliatory male chauvinism, inadvertently dumped chivalry into the ocean basins of the world. Eyewitness accounts at the time described the scene as unrelenting and a blur of “hippies, drugs, and rock n’ roll,” although the sources may be unreliable due to the distraction of exposed breasts drawing their attention from the actual events. Throughout pre-modern history, chivalry was abundant and ever-present, men honored women and women appreciated being honored. But soon after the great depression, reports of mass migration of chivalry from cities to rural areas of the country were being observed. Slowly, the decline of this fine trait went unnoticed by the masses; women began opening doors for themselves, men began to openly ogle the opposite sex without even offering to buy them a drink. In modern day North America, the rare report of chivalry spotting is on par with UFO, Bigfood, and the Loch Ness monster sightings. Authorities believe the death of chivalry is related to its lack of success in modern social situations. This quote was found in this news media’s archives, “Hey man, I’ve been, like, holding doors for all of these groovy cats and putting my denim vest around them and not one of those foxy ladies every offered to have sex with me. Not cool, man, not cool.” Nowadays, chivalrous acts go by unnoticed, un-appreciation like starving African children, if it doesn’t make you money then why bother? Agent Mike Michaels of the Chivalry Recognition, Investigation, Monitoring, and Extraction (CRIME) Taskforce who was looking into motive for the disappearance, and now homicide, of such a once highly thought of trait states, “We turned over every stone, followed every lead, spread out far and wide trying to find this thing…this thing I have grown to know. I have spent half my career, hell, half my life, investigating this case and not one clue can point me to a definitive assailant. But one thing is for sure, this high paced, ego-driven, impatient, think-of-me-first world is a clear accomplice.”

Will chivalry ever rise from the ashes? This journalist would like to believe so, but don’t expect to see it anytime soon, dear citizens. Chivalry, if you are out there, drifting through the foggy night, helping elderly ladies with their bags, holding doors for fellow citizens, sheltering another with your umbrella, let's hope that there are individuals out there who remember and appreciate your kindness and generosity.