Friday, March 23, 2007

Not So Deep Thoughts II

Things have been hectic at work, I will be having nightmares about telephones ringing for the next 3 weeks I'm sure. (Speaking of which....) so I've only had time to type up some random thoughts I've had over the past week, so here's your next edition of "not-so-deep thoughts":

- Since when did car horns go from being a instrument of warning to a tool of showing interest in the opposite sex?

- I'm going to start handing flyers to people who hand out flyers expressing my dislike for people who hand out flyers, although I respect their right to do so.

- I wonder how miss manners would feel about talking on your cell phone while eating with someone else at the table, I will ask her as soon as she gets off the phone.

- When are togas going to come back in style?

- I feel if you are going to protest something, at least get more than 10 people to commit, because you know at least 5 or 6 are going to phone it in.

- Why do they have protests on college campuses? I mean that's not the voting demographic that is really going to make a difference in this country's leadership.

- No president knows everything about everything...the problem is when there is one who know very little about very few things.

- Does Santa really use msn messenger and where do they get off making that claim?

- Can you ever have too many hanging folders?

- The supply officers of any company have all the power except...

- Keys are the keys to power, the more you have, the more powerful you are. Janitorial staff are the most powerful people in any building and most of them don't even know it. And without them, the industrialized world would come to a scretching halt.

- Hospitals promote the class hierarchical establishment by requiring uniforms of different colors. But if I'm in medical need, get me one of those people with white coats 'cause I don't want my life in the hands of those purple people. (honestly I really don't know what the different colors mean and this is for humor purposes only, so if you are a purple person, I apologies, especially if you could save my life)

- Are all blogs really this preachy? Am I saying anything new here that hasn't been already written by a 15 year old freshmen high school student in a creative writing class with a project due tomorrow morning and just goes and makes things up to turn in?

- Is this really worth your time reading? At some point I might actually put something educational on here.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Memory

What is it about us that make us forget things so quickly? Are our short term memories being slowly bombarded with so much information so quickly that it is imploding on itself so that anything we just thought about is instantly washed away with the next wave of useless knowledge? Maybe it is just me. I find myself forgetting things mere moments after I think of them. This is why I must do things when I think of them. It doesn’t help that I am all about the procrastination.

What is worse is when you remember that you were supposed to do something. It always comes at the least convenient time, like, say when you are heading to work and you get like 7 blocks from your house/apt., too far to turn back, but close enough to feel guilty about not doing it. At least if you were to remember when you reach your destination you could say, “well, there’s nothing I can do about it now.” Or you remember at 1am, just fell asleep after watching one of those really bad movies on TBS or the USA network that you are not sure why you stayed up to watch it in the first place but had to watch the end because, hey, you watched this much already and you need to see how the guy with the prop knife and patch-stitched ski mask gets impaled with a nail gun that stuck him to the tree that is about to go through an automated wood-chipper that is conveniently located in a dark, in-the-middle-of-nowhere factory that the brunette just happened to run too after her boyfriend got it in the gut. And suddenly she’s all Xena the Warrior Princess and drop kicks the “scary” bad buy just in time so she could reach that nail gun.

Now, where was I? Oh right, memory, or lack there off. So yeah, you remember this thing at 1am and bam, you are awake for another 2 hours because it happens to be an important thing but like I said before, you can’t do anything about it now, but come the morning, you best not forget. So you stay up telling yourself not to forget to do that in the morning. Come morning, you are so tired and four hours of sleep separated you from what you had to remember, next thing you know, you are 7 blocks from your house/apt.

The weird things is, I can remember just about every hole on every golf course I have ever played, but tell me you have a tee time on such and such golf course and it takes me an hour to remember which one that is. I remember faces, I remember names, but faces with the names together, forget about it, no chance. I could see someone everyday for 2 years, not see them for about a month, then see them and blank, nothing. Ever find yourself in this position? So frustrating. A little tip I picked up from my Pop, go through the alphabet, thinking of names that start with those letters and usually it will hit you.

I remember being in my PSYC101 class several years ago (didn’t do to well in that class, shocking, I know) but we did one activity to explain why phone numbers are usually only 7 digits long. Apparently most humans can only remember a sequence of up to 7 digits and it significantly drops off after 10. Or try that game where you start a sentence and pass it down a line and see what you have by the end. If that is not proof that short term memory is about as big as (geek alert) the RAM on a 286 DOS based computer system. Actually, to continue that thread, people are a lot like computer systems, but maybe I will leave that for another time. Maybe someone can explain to me why I do better on the first game of Memory then any subsequent games? You know ‘Memory’, that game with the cards that you flip over and they have pictures or shapes or symbols on them. Back in the day they were actually cardboard cards, now all you have to do is click on the screen, isn’t technology wonderful?

Alright, I’ve forgotten everything else I was going to say about this topic so I will have to leave it for another time. Now go do whatever it is you are thinking about right at this moment, before you forget.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Madness

Well, it’s that time of year again: March Madness. The drive for 65. The big dance. It sounds like a really bad high school date.

“Eh, ummmm, hey. I was just wonderin’, umm, if you would like to maybe go to the big dance with me?”
“Oh yes! I would love to! I have been waiting so long for someone to finally ask me to the big dance. All my friends will be there, this will be soooo cool!”

Then once you get there your date goes and hangs out with all their friends giggling at the awkwardly, socially challenged dates that spent all month working on the courage to ask them to the dance in the first place. Then by the end of the night there is that one couple who stuck it out the whole dance. They had been slowly working their way to each other, dancing with different partners through slow songs and fast songs, through waltzes and doing the robot, until finally they nervously take center stage, under the spot light. Their palms are sweaty, footwork shaky, eyes wondering to the onlookers. Eventually one leaves crying and the other taking the crown as king of the dance. But for 64 others, their dance ends in disappointment, standing by the punch bowl wondering what if they had made that move during the White Snake song, or hadn’t sung along with that slow Elton John song with 4 minutes to go. The Cinderella’s of the dance long for the glass slipper only to see it shattered during that Bon Jovi song. Even the ‘cool’ kids fall to the Eric Clapton “Wonderful Tonight” slow dance technique, because everyone can slow dance - you just rock back and forth like zombies until the music stops.

So how is this year’s dance going to play out? With chaperones like Billy Packard and Jim Nantz how can it not be the greatest ever? Seems like every year is just that much better then the last, who knew? We’ve got the seniors: Ohio State, Kansas, UNC, Florida. The Juniors: Maryland, Villanova, Georgetown, Duke, USC, UCLA, all looking to retake the coveted crown. The Bullies: VCU, Pittsburgh, Boston College, Virginia Tech, Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, basically any school from Texas. The Intellectuals: Virginia, Penn, Notre Dame, Vanderbilt. The “do you even go to school here” schools: Corpus “Don’t call me Texas A&M” Christi, Weber “Big Sky” State, Niagara “we are more than the falls”, Miami “no not that Miami” of Ohio, Jackson “capital of Mississippi” State. And least we not forget the exchange students: Marquette, Xavier, Gonzaga. And watch out for those pesky up and coming freshmen: Wright St., Central Connecticut, Long Beach St., Albany.

This year looks like it gonna involve some break-dancing, the Texas two-step, the Virginia swing, new age, and I think I see a ballroom waltzes in there somewhere. Make sure you got your tux, the corsage, the right shoes, your hair done, because starting tomorrow, the big dance madness begins.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Not So Deep Thoughts I

Here are just a few of the thoughts that come to me over the course of a few weeks that do not warrant a full blog post but might get you thinking, not really pondering, just thinking...

- If it is going to be 18° F, we should be able to deny global warming no matter how many scientists say its happening.
- When Lloyd Dobler said kickboxing was the sport of the future in "Say Anything", I think he meant Ultimate Fighting, because he would have been spot on.
- When something goes around and comes around, what does it go around? A mountain?
- Public baths are now disguised as pools
- Underwater basket weaving doesn’t sound like a very easy class to take, in fact, I think it would be quite difficult.
- The Hatsfields and the McCoys should have settled their differences like most American families…on the “Family Feud” – “Survey Says…”
- When did straight brimmed caps become popular?
- Why do we reenact wars? Didn’t enough people die the first time around?
- You would run faster if Nike Shox really shocked you.
- Not enough people give toasts that involve everyone in the bar anymore
- History’s first news media outlet = some guy yelling from atop a box – not much has changed.
- Ever feel like you are using the force when you are walking through automatic doors or am I alone on this?
- Can the Oscars win an Emmy? I think so. Could the Emmys ever win an Oscar? Maybe in the documentary category.
- I would be curious to find out the percentage of people who actually work a full five day work week. That half-day for your “dentist” appointment doesn’t count.
- How many people do you know would give up their cell phones if it was found they shortened your life expectancy? Really? That many? Hmm, I would doubt that.
- What else can we pour hot water over to make really bad tasting water?
- 7-Eleven is promoting “Energized Coffee”; does coffee need to be any more energized?

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Lower-left Square

I have this uncanny knack to try and answer questions asked of me as if I were the center square of “Hollywood Squares”….well, maybe more like the lower left square. It is like a bad sitcom with that one guy who’s got the pathetically awful one-liners that doesn’t even make the laugh-track giggle. If a camera was following me around, I doubt my family would even watch. They would use it to torture double-agent, MI-6, double oh, gentlemen spies right after they were told the highly elaborate global take-over plans by an obviously nicknamed villain.

-“Do you expect me to talk?”
-“Noooo, I expect you to die” (evil laugh)

Needless to say, a select few actually find my humor palatable. I’m like a prop comic but all the props are in my head and much of my amusement is lost through written words, or on the public in general.

-“I will take the gentlemen in the lower left corner for the block.”
-“Alright, for the block…72 out of 100 basketball players have said they would like to do this after a dunk?”
-“Take a bite of that coffee-drenched donut” (ha,ha,ah) “Why am I the only one laughing?” “No but seriously, give a teammate a high five.”
-“I disagree.”
-“As you should…it was hang on the rim, you really are a terrible square, sir.”
-“Maybe I should be a circle? Huh? Anyone? Pure comic genius.”

See, let that be an example of what it is like for anyone that is forced to be around me for any period of time. Hilarity ensues, it’s a non-stop 4000 ton comedy train going downhill without any air-breaks (thank you History Channel’s Modern Marvels). And be warned, I have been know to periodically and without notice, jump topics and comic punch lines at the drop of a hat, a hat with a rabbit inside, a killer rabbit that requires the holy hand grenade to subdue. I am the first one to defend randomness as a comic style. Michael Jackson. If you want creative and comic writing, visit the blogger of all bloggers, http://www.dooce.com/. This fiery (pun intended) young women has a unique style and flare for writing, which, if you don’t know the story, got her fired from her job…thus making her a small celebrity within the blogging world. Eventually MS Word is going to add blog into its spell check dictionary. Anyway, if you want visual humor, check out http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/ where animated ending to epic movies tell us what we all thought should have happened. Stupid Empire. Alright, these sites should make up for the lack of laughter found in this post, maybe balance out my laughs per joke ratio. I’ll take Whoopi in the center square for the win.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

MY LIST: March

March’s Artist: Demetri Martin

A friend of mine reminded me of the fact that I had named this blog for a Joshua Radin song, yet I failed to cover this obvious artist in my first MY LIST (Music You’ll Like Instantly, SomeTimes). Well, that will have to wait for another month (although you should still check him out for those mellow days), because honestly, I just used the song because it had a cool name. Plus, I just got my hands on an album that falls under one of my most favorite musical categories: Stand-Up Comedy.

There are a plethora of stand-up comedians that I could easily spend pages covering their brilliance, from Eddie Murphy to Dane Cook, the classics to the new comers. You hear comedy is all about timing and the best just know how to time their acts. Oh, and listen, everybody steals from everybody, it is just apart of the business but just like musicians covering songs by other artists, they each have their unique style to bring to the song/joke. However, there are just some comedians that shouldn’t be allowed to perform even in the darkest night club on South 94th St. in the lowest borough of Hell.

Fortunately, Demetri Martin, is not one of those comedians, falls in the category of the formerly aforementioned Dane Cooks and David Crosses of the comedic world. If you are unfamiliar with Demetri Martin, most of you may recognize him from his all too brief forays on The Daily Show. Well he recently released his first comedy album (that I could find) “These Are Jokes”. The non-descriptive, back-to-basics album and track titles are the antithesis of his comic style. Devoid of any political overtones and with the sometimes accompaniment of music and special guests, Martin rolls through a set of jokes and one-liners with dead pan releases and play-on-words observations.

In the vein of Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg, and Jerry Seinfeld, Martin avoids political based humor, instead aiming at social and observational humor, much of which are like grenade jokes, requiring the audience to think about the double entendres before understanding the real humor in the joke. But Demetri is deft with timing and allows the sufficient amount of pause before proceeding to the next joke. A nod to Martin’s musical talents (instrumental, not vocal) the album includes accompanying keyboard and guitar backing music during certain bits, such as “Sames and Opposites” and “The Remix”. Although the music is not needed it does add to the humor of the situation. In addition, the closing of the album includes some very humorous, studio produced song tracks that feature Demetri’s grandmother and mother, hilarity ensues. Here are just a few of the humorous transcripts of Demetri Martin’s “These Are Jokes”:

- If I had a bookstore, I'd make the mystery section really hard to find.
- I'm gonna open a store called "Chasm." We're gonna be just like The Gap, but way bigger.
- I was in a department store riding the escalator, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
- I remember when I used to really be into nostalgia.
- Went to a clothing store. Lady working there, she got mad at me. 'Cause she said, "What size are you?" And I said, "Actual."

Needless to say I was getting some strange looks walking around listening to this album on my iPod…word to the wise, if people already think you are a little weird, don’t go around laughing to yourself.

The song that will change your life: “Personal Information Waltz”
Other songs that you must listen to: “Same and Opposites”, “The Jokes with Guitar”
Hidden tracks: “One Story”, “The Wisdom Song”