Not So Deep Thoughts IV

Just a few things that have been on my mind lately…when I’ve been consciences enough to think (which might explain why these aren’t really all that coherent)

-          We should create literal objects that are used in figurative speech…like timetable, put a clock in a table. The rat race, make rat racing popular by showing it on ESPN2. We'll do this just to mess with people so they can’t figure out which one we are talking about.

-          Hey, Stephen A. Smith, the louder you scream does not make you more right.

-          I’m sure someone has said this before but, people who start a sentence with “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” or “I don’t mean to interrupt, but…” are about the say or do exactly what they don’t mean to say or do. It is even worse than just saying or doing what you don’t mean to say or do because you are acknowledging the fact you are about to say or do exactly what you don’t mean to do. I’d rather you just tell me I have a face that looks like Chris Christie’s ball sack and not know you are being rude.

-          I often wonder if I’m that friend in the group that is the one that everyone else thinks is just a huge dork and is trying way too hard, like Andre from “The League” or Cliff from “Cheers” or Cricket from “It’s Always Sunny…” Oh well, guess I’ll go back to wearing my fedora hat spouting random trivia and fawning over Dee (also, see first thought, that should explain a lot)

-          Where is the reality TV show about the making of a movie about reality TV shows?

-          My headphones are lying on the floor in the shape of a brontosaurus head (sorry, Apatosaurus)…no kidding, it’s a little scary. I just hope it doesn’t sneeze on me (right, Adriana Richards?)

-          I’m a little worried that I cannot remember ANYTHING past 1998, curse you on-demand information. I can list for you my childhood phone number, every player by position on the 1990 world champion Cincinnati Reds team (even Hal Morris who came in as a defensive sub at 1^st base to catch the Rickey Henderson pop-out to win the decisive game 4 sweep!), the cast members of the Breakfast Club, the afternoon line-up of cartoons on fox, and can describe for you my elementary school Christmas play in great detail, I, of course, was a dashing toy soldier. Ask me to name 2/3^rd of the cast of the Avengers and I’d blankly stare at your face.

-          I’m pretty sure that 60% of the time you’ll find me wearing two different socks, because I get dressed in the dark, which probably says a lot.

-          I’m sure if Superman had known what Margot Kidder was to become, he would have never spun the earth in the opposite direction and turned back time to save her from that earthquake. Speaking of which, how much reality do you have to suspend to believe that that could actually happen, if anything, the Earth would have been really fucked up and all out of wack.

-          I’m not sure that my students are thinking the same thing as me when I mention “fiscal cliff.”

-          At what age does it become embarrassing to play with LEGOs? And why is it less acceptable than building a model “Helm’s Deep?”

-          I’m just waiting for 1980s fashion to come back so I can stop laughing at old pictures (of myself) and start laughing at actual people. 1980s comedies are comical for a whole different reason now-a-days. Sorry, Cory Haim, R.I.P.

-          Flat tires blow!

-          When Bigfoot gets lonely, she shaves and does a movie under the name Mickey Rourke

-          If we didn’t have daylight savings, would everything just go dark?

-          I say we just get rid of leap day and let things just play out, see if we can really adjust to subtle changes, you know, to help us prepare for global warming.

Comment-ary

(the following is a blog about why I don’t blog about myself. All of these commenters are factious, and any resemblance to actually people is merely coincidental, enjoy!)

“Hey, Rick D., long time reader, first time commenter. I see you do not write about yourself very much. What’s up with that?” – Nosey in New Brunswick

Haha, well, Nosey, first, thank you for your comments, and to answer you question, one I might add that I’m sure are on many of the readers’ minds, is that I don’t think many of you would find my life all that much interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with my life - A very loving and beautiful wife, a quaint house in a nice neighborhood, away from the noise but close enough to the see to not be considered the suburbs. But, honestly, who really wants to read about that? But if you are interested, let me know.

“I see from your blogs that you are an average, middle-age, white guy who teaches high school history and watches a lot of TV. What makes you so special and knowledgeable to rant on anything?” – condescending in Caroline

Nice deduction, condescending, you are spot on. If you go back through my blogs, I actually reveal a lot about myself: I don’t plan ahead, I write as I think, I can be witty but lack refinement, I use a lot of self-deprecating humor, I rarely revise mistakes because I do not re-read my writings, I’m not an English major but pretend to be, and know a little about a lot of things but not a lot about a few things.

“Sundreched, first time reader, long time commenter. I find it very difficult to follow your posts so I just don’t read them. Why are you even doing this?” – annoyed in Alexandria

Oh boy, tough crowded out there today, are you annoyed because of the traffic up there, or what? Well, I do this more for my own enjoyment, really. I have no pretense that anyone actually reads this thing, even you guys, my devote commenters, mainly because I made you up and since no one actually comments I never actually know if anyone does read this (shameless plea). I find this medium to be a good outlet for rants, ideas, and removing the mental garbage that piles up in my head during those momentary periods of silence over the course of a day. I’ve never been one to keep a journal and in times of going back and reading my own posts, it is more like reading someone else’s thoughts, because I rarely remember thinking of them the first time around. And lastly, I think it’s a good primary source of my own thoughts and a reflection of the things happening at that time…which sometimes makes it difficult to get some of the references in old posts, but whatever.

“Your writing does not follow a singular train of thought; do you have A.D.D or something?” – random in Roanoke

Yes. Wait, what were we talking about? So, yeah, if you don’t have A.D.D. and want to know the mental processes that occur with in the mind of someone who has been clinically diagnosed with A.D.D (I will never be mistaken for someone who is hyperactive so just leave the ‘H’ at the door), then feel free to peruse some of my earlier posts, or just sit through one of my classes…good thing most of my students don’t pay attention or they would be completely lost listening to me. I tend to go on tangents…I did enjoy math in high school, that could explain my appeal for problem solving and geometry, things like tangents and hypotenuses. I am must more of a spatial learner than auditory. Wait, what was I talking about? One of my co-workers actually recommended that I take a drug to help me out with that. ‘nough said.

“Are you like this in real life?” – admirer from Albemarle

Why yes, yes I am, only less articulate, and less wordy, and less vocal, and less forthcoming with my thoughts. So no, no I am not. The ability (and you might find this hard to believe) to contemplate your thoughts prior to expressing them is a big bonus for me. I’m witty, but not quick of tongue. I’m like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, give me some time and I’ll e-mail you a witty retort (but not nearly as smart, but maybe just as equally socially awkward). In a group, I probably talk the least (my students would find this hard to believe). I might even say things inappropriate for the level of acquaintance (see ‘Acquaintances’ post). But, all-in-all, I’m just as random and observant, and randomly observant as my posts.

Thank you for joining us today on “The Readers Write”, join us next time when we’ll have dead silence so I’ll just make up more imaginary readers, just like my childhood when I had the best imaginary backyard basketball team. Good night!

Not So Deep Thoughts III

- No offense to anyone in Gaza, but death by drowning in a sewage flood might be one of the worst ways to die. Not that any way is really all that good.
- I think I’m going to start walking around pretending to talk on my cell phone so that it looks like I’m popular…or at least mildly important.
- Are people really getting that bad at geography and becoming that lazy that we need cars to tell us where to go now? This is just the first step in the complete take over of the world by The Machines. Terminator? Matrix anyone? Those are just possible future documentaries.
- Would it be inappropriate and/or morbid to send an e-vite for your own funeral?
- I wonder what percentage of the world really gives a crap what happens to you.
- Anticipation is the best and worst feeling ever
- It is hard to hold your head up when you have no reason to
- “One day I’m going to grow wings – a chemical reaction.” Some days I wish Radiohead songs would come true.
- How many ways can you come up with to distract you mind from thoughts you don’t want to be thinking? (still not enough)
- Some things just can’t be avoided, like all the forces in the universe are tag teaming against you – and they are all on steroids.
- Boots in the summer? Times keep on achangin’.
- What’s the Russian word for “idiot” because I am sure it is exactly what I need to hear and probably sounds much more ruthless, scary, and appropriate than “idiot”
- Why does everything sound more creep when it is said by a monotone computer voice reading text.
- Anything made in the ‘70s just seems funny to me now: horror movies, TV shows, clothes….me. Fortunately they didn’t have hi-def TV or recording equipment…your children are going to hate you about 20 years from now.
- Anyone else worried that the girl in the Will Farrell landlord video is going to grow up to be just like Lindsey Lohan?
- Everyone is so impatient…most of you probably didn’t even make it to this thought (note to self, never embed links to funny videos on youtube, readers will never come back)
- Why do kids make everything seem so much more humorous?
- I’m sorry for everything I have done wrong to anyone I know.

Not So Deep Thoughts II

Things have been hectic at work, I will be having nightmares about telephones ringing for the next 3 weeks I'm sure. (Speaking of which....) so I've only had time to type up some random thoughts I've had over the past week, so here's your next edition of "not-so-deep thoughts":

- Since when did car horns go from being a instrument of warning to a tool of showing interest in the opposite sex?

- I'm going to start handing flyers to people who hand out flyers expressing my dislike for people who hand out flyers, although I respect their right to do so.

- I wonder how miss manners would feel about talking on your cell phone while eating with someone else at the table, I will ask her as soon as she gets off the phone.

- When are togas going to come back in style?

- I feel if you are going to protest something, at least get more than 10 people to commit, because you know at least 5 or 6 are going to phone it in.

- Why do they have protests on college campuses? I mean that's not the voting demographic that is really going to make a difference in this country's leadership.

- No president knows everything about everything...the problem is when there is one who know very little about very few things.

- Does Santa really use msn messenger and where do they get off making that claim?

- Can you ever have too many hanging folders?

- The supply officers of any company have all the power except...

- Keys are the keys to power, the more you have, the more powerful you are. Janitorial staff are the most powerful people in any building and most of them don't even know it. And without them, the industrialized world would come to a scretching halt.

- Hospitals promote the class hierarchical establishment by requiring uniforms of different colors. But if I'm in medical need, get me one of those people with white coats 'cause I don't want my life in the hands of those purple people. (honestly I really don't know what the different colors mean and this is for humor purposes only, so if you are a purple person, I apologies, especially if you could save my life)

- Are all blogs really this preachy? Am I saying anything new here that hasn't been already written by a 15 year old freshmen high school student in a creative writing class with a project due tomorrow morning and just goes and makes things up to turn in?

- Is this really worth your time reading? At some point I might actually put something educational on here.

Not So Deep Thoughts I

Here are just a few of the thoughts that come to me over the course of a few weeks that do not warrant a full blog post but might get you thinking, not really pondering, just thinking...

- If it is going to be 18° F, we should be able to deny global warming no matter how many scientists say its happening.
- When Lloyd Dobler said kickboxing was the sport of the future in "Say Anything", I think he meant Ultimate Fighting, because he would have been spot on.
- When something goes around and comes around, what does it go around? A mountain?
- Public baths are now disguised as pools
- Underwater basket weaving doesn’t sound like a very easy class to take, in fact, I think it would be quite difficult.
- The Hatsfields and the McCoys should have settled their differences like most American families…on the “Family Feud” – “Survey Says…”
- When did straight brimmed caps become popular?
- Why do we reenact wars? Didn’t enough people die the first time around?
- You would run faster if Nike Shox really shocked you.
- Not enough people give toasts that involve everyone in the bar anymore
- History’s first news media outlet = some guy yelling from atop a box – not much has changed.
- Ever feel like you are using the force when you are walking through automatic doors or am I alone on this?
- Can the Oscars win an Emmy? I think so. Could the Emmys ever win an Oscar? Maybe in the documentary category.
- I would be curious to find out the percentage of people who actually work a full five day work week. That half-day for your “dentist” appointment doesn’t count.
- How many people do you know would give up their cell phones if it was found they shortened your life expectancy? Really? That many? Hmm, I would doubt that.
- What else can we pour hot water over to make really bad tasting water?
- 7-Eleven is promoting “Energized Coffee”; does coffee need to be any more energized?