Chivalry Article

CHIVALRY IS DEAD! After a long investigation into the disappearance and subsequent discovery of the brutal remains, it has been concluded that Chivalry died of exposure to post-modern attitudes and egotism, an autopsy report states. First reported several years ago, chivalry had been reported missing since the late 1950s where it was believed the feminism movement, working conjointly with a retaliatory male chauvinism, inadvertently dumped chivalry into the ocean basins of the world. Eyewitness accounts at the time described the scene as unrelenting and a blur of “hippies, drugs, and rock n’ roll,” although the sources may be unreliable due to the distraction of exposed breasts drawing their attention from the actual events. Throughout pre-modern history, chivalry was abundant and ever-present, men honored women and women appreciated being honored. But soon after the great depression, reports of mass migration of chivalry from cities to rural areas of the country were being observed. Slowly, the decline of this fine trait went unnoticed by the masses; women began opening doors for themselves, men began to openly ogle the opposite sex without even offering to buy them a drink. In modern day North America, the rare report of chivalry spotting is on par with UFO, Bigfood, and the Loch Ness monster sightings. Authorities believe the death of chivalry is related to its lack of success in modern social situations. This quote was found in this news media’s archives, “Hey man, I’ve been, like, holding doors for all of these groovy cats and putting my denim vest around them and not one of those foxy ladies every offered to have sex with me. Not cool, man, not cool.” Nowadays, chivalrous acts go by unnoticed, un-appreciation like starving African children, if it doesn’t make you money then why bother? Agent Mike Michaels of the Chivalry Recognition, Investigation, Monitoring, and Extraction (CRIME) Taskforce who was looking into motive for the disappearance, and now homicide, of such a once highly thought of trait states, “We turned over every stone, followed every lead, spread out far and wide trying to find this thing…this thing I have grown to know. I have spent half my career, hell, half my life, investigating this case and not one clue can point me to a definitive assailant. But one thing is for sure, this high paced, ego-driven, impatient, think-of-me-first world is a clear accomplice.”

Will chivalry ever rise from the ashes? This journalist would like to believe so, but don’t expect to see it anytime soon, dear citizens. Chivalry, if you are out there, drifting through the foggy night, helping elderly ladies with their bags, holding doors for fellow citizens, sheltering another with your umbrella, let's hope that there are individuals out there who remember and appreciate your kindness and generosity.