Armchair Traveler

**(disclaimer: this is a work of sarcasm, comments and opinions found in this post do not reflect that of the actually writer himself or any of his subsidiary affiliates [think Steve Colbert])**

Listen, I may be one of the last individuals you would find camouflage covered, cowboy hat wearing, Bon Jovi lovin’, wrapped in the red, white, and blue patriot of the U.S., but I will never complain about the benefits of being an American citizen: Unfettered access to the internet can take me to anywhere I want to go or find any information I need about any other country on Earth. 24-hour news and cable channels beaming me images via satellites from remote parts of the world that I will never have the opportunity to be shot at, mauled by a panther, or dodge poisonous darts.

Thankfully we have such great news outlets like Fox News to deliver non-bias, unfiltered, informative, factual information. How can the BBC know what information is best and most pertinent for Americans if they aren’t even in America? Who else could report the hard hitting facts on the wonderful job that the current administration is doing except those who use to work for the father of the leader of the current administration?

In my still relatively short life time, one that I should point out has not seen me live for any period of time more than 70 miles from my place of birth, I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet individuals from around the world. Why would I ever need to travel to places like France, Germany, Russia, Armenia, Hong Kong, China? I get all the authentic culture I need from my English speaking foreign friends. I know how to say “hello” and “how are you” in 7 languages, if any more than that is needed to be said then they can speak American to me.

Some people call America the world’s “Big Brother” but who else is going to watch all those countries who are trying to usurp power away from America? Imagine Klafalagastan was your little sister and she was trying to become head cheerleader at her school, Earth HS. To do this, she must establish nuclear power plants to power her stereo so she can work on her routines and heat her family’s one bedroom house during Klafalagastan’s -40 degree winters. Well big brother, feeling that little sister’s new found popularity by becoming head cheerleader would take all the attention off of him being star forward for the Earth HS basketball team, should step in and accuse little sister of enriching uranium that she will use to build weapons that could hurt rival Suzie-Jo who only wants to have her rightful spot on the squad.

And seriously, what do we have to learn from countries outside of the United States beside that they hate Americans? I mean, it’s not like the French have a unique and highly logical way of electing a president that would remove inter-party bickering and presidents winning while still losing the popular vote. The Euro doing better than the dollar? Please, like that will be the day. We are the most powerful nations in the world, other countries should be following our lead because no matter what we do, even if it is wrong, it is right, because we did it. Why would U.S. automakers look at the German engineered automobiles for durability and quality? How would we get people to buy more cars if they lasted as long as German and Japanese models? It’s called capitalism people, look it up, we invented it, we control it. Universal health care? You hippie Canadian. Mass genocide in Africa? Oh hop on the Angelina Jolie bandwagon why don’t ya. Listen, if they don’t show it on Fox and Friends then it isn’t happening, why can’t you people figure that out?

All these immigrants aren’t sneaking into this country for no reason. Obviously they see what a wonderful country this is, why can’t the rest of the world? U.S. companies are doing their part to promote American ideals by building their manufacturing plants in Taiwan and Mexico. Cheaper labor is the cry coming from all those anti-Americans out there trying to bring down the U.S. capitalism machine. It ain’t gonna work you hippie economists…all that money is coming back to America when those workers buy our overpriced, high quality electronics…that were manufactured by them, shipped to American, then shipped back for retail sale. It’s complicated but I think you see the logic. American companies wouldn’t do things for their own capitalistic benefits would they? No, of course they would look to better the entire American society so give them a break.

So the next time one of these European back-packers, or study abroad supervisors, or foreign diplomats comes and tries to convince you to “travel and see the world” tell them you have cable TV, thank you very much, and the only culture you need is the American culture.

Now sit back in your comfy la-z-boy and watch the crumble of the western world right before your half-closed eyes…unless you are watching Fox News, then everything is fine.