I step out into the cold, turn up my collar to the brisk
wind that swirls in this barren wasteland of modern life. It’s the year, 2012
anno domini – and in this futuristic landscape you’ll find images that would be
unrecognizable to my younger eyes, things only a sci-fi film of 2007 could
create with computer generated effects. As I look around with amazed
bewilderment I see people staring at small, portable devices with screens that emanate
bright colors and sounds, unable to tear themselves away long enough even to acknowledge
the traffic that is also not acknowledging them as they walk across – what is
now seen as a loose interpretation of an intersection (see, in the future, for
most, laws are mere suggestions). Well, citizens of 2007, I write to you from
the future, a time spiraling out of control toward a vast and powerful
worm-hole of technology, greed, and divisiveness. Speaking of…
Politics
Hey, you remember all those movies that were set in “the
future” and you knew that because the President of the U.S. was black (it is ok
to say black now, as appose to African-American because most black people don’t
want to be lumped in with actual African-American – immigrants from Africa. How
futuristic is that?!?). Well, the future is here my friends…Barack Obama was
elected as the first black president (well, half-black, but it’s a step in the
right direction). He was also the first black president to get re-elected, not
bad for first timer. And in those movies, the Presidents had to deal with some
kind of natural apocalypse threatening to put major cities under water or in a
snow-covered wasteland? Well, that almost happened (see “Superstorm Sandy”, even
the name conjures up a Roland Emmerich / Jerry Bruckheimer -esque flicks) Some
blame the destruction on NYC and NJ on their liberal debauchery and secular
tendencies…I blame Snooki and “The Situation” for being, well, Snooki and “The
Situation” - that and global warming, speaking of…
Technology
The aforementioned and often commented on cell phone
addiction has exponentially worsened. As predicted by yours truly, cellular
devices have replaced actually human interaction. Remember when your phones
could only make voice calls and send text messages…well now you can ignore
people in the virtual world as well, by using your phones to access the internet,
check facebook (oh, that’s this site that’s like myspace but easier to use, and
now is kind of unpopular amongst the kids because more people are using it…even
your parents), oh, and twitter. Speaking of…are we supposed to be interested in
what Kathy Griffin thinks of Dancing with the Voice Stars X-Factor? Apparently
people do because they’ll emerge themselves in the digital glow of pixels while
enjoying a meal in a romantic restaurant with their significant others, who are
also emerged in the ambient glow of LED illumination. Speaking of…
Pop Culture
You know those annoying reality TV shows that dilute your
cable TV menu…well, imagine them on steroids…yeah, Lance Armstrong style. The
Voice, X-Factor, Dancing with the Stars: All-stars, Undercover Boss, Kitchen
Nightmares, American Pickers, Coast Guard: Miami, America’s Next Top Baby’s
Daddy: Most Wanted Alimony Avoider Edition. I mean, reality shows that are on
channels that have nothing to do with the content of the reality show. Pawn
Stars on History Channel? Oh, and the so-called stars of these shows somehow
make more money than firefighters, police officers, teachers, factory workers,
military personnel…combined (ok, that might be an exaggeration). Of course, if
we didn’t watch them, they wouldn’t be on. I blame you 2007, if we had just
stopped watching American Idol after they discovered the only 5 talented
singers in the country not already discovered, then we would have never gone
down this shit-slide of muddled mediocrity. Speaking of…
This blog
So those blog posts you added in that ancient and archaic year
of 2007, maybe you should have done some revising to fix all those grammatical
errors, what are you, some kind of uneducated 2012 high school student? Get
with the program. Now, if you could give me some advice on how to find that great
age of innocence, to remember what makes something humorous, and to find the
time to update this thing more than once every 5 years.
2007, my memories of you are fading to an unrecognizable
blur of faces and events, like ripples in a pond of time. Your bright optimism
and sundrenched world have been replaced with dim pessimism and cloud covered
days….wait, 2012 isn’t all that bad. It’s actually pretty awesome. Bet you wish
you had access to iPads, self-parking cars, and holograms (ok, that one isn’t
here yet, but we’re closer to it than you 2007, ha!) So stay tuned 2007, cause
2013 is just around the corner (if we are all still here – I’m looking at you,
Mayans). Get ready for some not-so-humorous, often ridiculous, and definitely erroneous
dribble coming to a sundrenched world near you.
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