A Third-Life Crisis

So I like to think that I’m a third through my life, if all goes according to the plan I hope fate has laid out for me (ok, maybe more than a third). I’ve been catching myself having these thoughts about the situations I've been finding myself in lately. Kind of those existential thoughts like: am I really having brunch as a couple with a couple? Are we really considering playing “family feud” - husbands against wives? Am I really having this conversation about how lovely the cheese spread is at this co-worker holiday function?

I feel like I’m sometime living out an episode of Seinfield or How I Met Your Mother. “You guys should come over for dinner, we can even open a bottle of wine and play charades.” “Hey, shmoopie.” “No, you hang up…no you…no you.” I’ve never been accused of, nor have I ever felt that I have acted my age. I physically look younger than my chronological years, and I’m pretty sure you would not accuse me of being overly mature for my age if you spent more than 5 minutes around me. I like to think I just got a late start on life – starting my ‘career a mere 5 years ago, recently married, and purchased a home about a year ago. I’m not complaining mind you, I will never be mistaken for someone who likes to rush into things. But I think I draw the line at stereotypical. My whole life and every essence of my physical being is stereotypical – white, male, middle-class, college-educated (I’m finding that less typical than I once believed), about 6’ tall, average American kid of divorced parents and enjoyed playing sports growing up.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with others…sometimes, you know, hanging out, having a drink, watching a game, or even just a nice conversation. But I just don’t think that I’m “that guy.” You know, the one who is the husband of the friend of a friend that you approach at a wedding/neighbor/holiday party and strikes up a conversation about how do you know so-and-so? What line of work are you in? Hey, we should get together sometime and discuss trying to get you into a new Lexus, then hands you his card – Sales Representative, Toyota/Lexus/Scion Dealer. I guess that’s why I’m not in sales, hey, more power to them.

As I experience this, and many more situations like these to come, I worry that my mind will betray me and I’ll be unable to control my inner-dialog – which typically leaves me fighting off laughter. This might be an early sign of a serious psychological disorder. (deep breath) Serenity now.

Chronology of Music

Over the past 5 years, I can honestly say that much of my musical tastes have not changed. I believe you reach a certain point in your life where it is very difficult to continue to listen to your long time favorites while introducing new artists to your rotation. Every generation of music lovers, I believe, follows a similar path during their musical life spans and for us 30 somethings, it went a little like this:

1. Pre-self-awareness/Elementary School: Welcome youngling! Now that you have left those wonderful nursery rhyme jingles back with your night-light and footy pajamas, it is now time for you to discovery what Mommy and Daddy listen to. Your introduction to main stream pop was what most 40 year-olds spin on turn-tables, classics like: Michael Jackson, Abba, Simon & Garfunkel, the Bee Gees, Dolly Parton, and Alabama.
1. Nowadays, I’m pretty sure kids are introduced to hip-hop, tween pop, country, rap, and metal through some kind of in vitro, bluetooth ear-bud music system.

2. Self-awareness/Middle School: Finally! A boombox in your room, complete with dual tape deck (ideal for making mix-tapes!) and a big ol’ antenna that would get you Casey Kasem’s top 40 with all those chart toppin’ bands like: Duran Duran, Pet Shop Boys, Phil Collins, Motley Crue, White Snake, Wham!, The Cars, and Men at Work. Timely and poignantly wonderful tunes with all the lyrics a rebellious, prepubescent boy or girl could desire. “We can dance if we want / we can leave your friends behind / ‘cause your friends don’t dance / if they don’t dance / then they’re no friends of mine”
1. Modern-day middle schoolers could make up lyrics that would put 1980’s Madonna to shame

3. Formable Years/High School: Alright, the music that you will listen to for the rest of your life you will first listen to during this age. You will combine the classics with the new rebellion, the anti-establishment of all generations with the anti-establishment of the new generation. “School’s out for summer / school’s out forever” ‘cause “Jeremy spoke in class today” Start collecting those Compact-Discs by picking them up in their long-box displays, ultimately to be trimmed down to just the case. But be careful not to scratch that CD or you’ll be stuck listening to the beginning riff of “Hard to Handle” over and over. Widen your musical (and mental) horizons with artists like: Led Zeppelin, the Stones, the Doors, Metallica, Black Crowes, R.E.M. & U2 (their early shit, not their new crap), Dave Matthews, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, SoundGarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Alice in Chains, Guns N’ Roses, Green Day, Counting Crows, and Live. At least if you were a middle to upper-middle class, suburban, white kid. Rage Against the Machine young man, rage!
1. Today’s high schoolers listen to the new anti-establishment, whatever-is-popular-on-youtube / American Idol winners, and/or anything that has a really heavy kick-drum beat. I’m not even sure there are any other instruments.

4. Suggestive Years/College: Here you are, you made it! On your own…well except for the thousands of other 18-22 year olds who are also ‘on their own’. And with them come a wide plethora of musical suggestions. How can you not hear new music when your roommate feels like blasting Bone Thugs-N-Harmony on their stereo at 1 a.m. the night before your big midterm exam! “Meet you at the crossroads”, damn right, when I put you under with my 100lb psych101 textbook. This is a time for sharing…stories, music, uncomfortable conversations in the communal showers. It’s the underlying root of the college experience. It’s when you discovered Biggie, 2-Pac, P.Diddy (sorry, Puff Daddy), ungodly loud club dance music blaring at every frat party on campus. Others you may have been unwillingly exposed to but ended up liking: Phish, No Doubt, O.A.R., Muse, Radiohead, Ben Folds Five, Third Eye Blind, Vertical Horizon, The Wallflowers, Weezer, Wilco, Coolio, Blues Travelers, Oasis, any jam-band in a big amphitheater.
1. Again, not that much different in the modern era, anything that goes good with pot, drinking, and/or house parties.

5. The Doldrums/Income Years: Well, if you are listening to music during your mid-20s, its probably overly loud background music at some trendy, newly-opened bar that keeps you from hearing the annoying drunk girl talking about how much she hates her job and just wants to find a guy and live at the beach and drink cocktails on weeknights and some other bullshit you can’t hear nor care about. Typically it is the crappy follow-up albums of bands that hit it big with one or two songs on their first album then over-produce their sophomore release in the name of expanding and experimenting with their ‘talents’. I’m looking at you Train/Creed/John Mayer. Fortunately in your quiet times you are discovering artists who appreciate writing good music, the folksy, singer-songwriters. No, not those, you know, the good ones: Norah Jones, Iron & Wine, Patty Griffin, Ryan Adams, David Gray, and Elliott Smith. Which also leads you to the more eclectic bands, like: Cake, Drive-By Trucks, Death Cab, and others. And just like many of your favorite bands that last more than 2 albums, are begin re-invent your musical style and tastes…without giving up your roots of your formative years.
1. The 20-somethings of today continue to follow this pattern, naming many bands I’ve never heard of, surmising the age of “I know music that you don’t know” attitude.

6. Who Cares/Settling Period: Currently you find yourself with less time to listen to music – the job, family, chores, arrands, meetings, meeting about the meetings. However, you look at it, you find yourself wanting to just listen to music you like. Who has time to scour the internet, music stores (the ones that still exist), open-mics, or opening acts for new discoveries? It is about this time that you acknowledge the fact that your musical tastes are static and dated. But who cares? Many of the bands you loved in high school can still rock, and even if they can’t, you’ve got their original works to listen and re-listen to for years to come. Of course, you do come across new stuff…usually on a commercial or TV show (good thing that in the modern era, you get music a la carte). Then, from time to time, you experience new artist just by the shear inundation of praise, exposure, and recommendations. So welcome to the world of: Mumford & Sons, Andrew Bird, Josh Ritter, Matt & Kim, Coldplay, Amy Winehouse, Flo Rida, Adele, The Killers, and Black Eyed Peas.

Now your bands and individual experiences may vary but the patterns should emerge relatively the same. And by no means is this a comprehensive or entirely accurate representation of my own music catalog but do apply to the appropriate time periods. If I am way off base, let me know, and if you have any suggestions for some new music I have to check out, remember, time is limited so it’d better be good or I’m gonna beat your ass.

Lincoln to Obama

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to you, as a former President of this great Union, to bestow upon you the wisdom collected from my years in office. Now I know you are familiar with my undying devotion to my wife and country. The long period of turmoil during the Great War aged and tormented my soul - as I am sure you as great perils, obstacles, and choices weighing heavy on your mind. To that degree, I am sure you have studies my political strategies: emphasizing oration, debate, and bipartisanship to aid in your endeavor to unify this highly stratified land. Many will compared our administrations in the laying of new tracks as we both steamed on into the unknown political frontier. But, Mr. President, I implore you to heed my advice and listen to the whispers of my voice from yester-days. Heavy is the gavel of man, and you, sir, are on trial in the court of history.

One must be humble in the presences of almighty power. However, one must have strength, strength of character, strength of morality, because power can shackle a person, bond them to motionless locomotives, forever idle and without tracks. This great nation demands a leader that can balance this scale. Justice is blind, sir, and so are the annals of history so tread softly and let faith and reason guide your steps. Mr. President, let this be my last words of solace, gaze upon the future with the clearest vision as change is difficult and unwelcomed by most. May the winds be favorable and the sail forever unfurled.

A. Lincoln

Generation Gap

I’m calling this my old man rant. I’m far from old, but I am beginning to see the gap between myself and next generation. I have reached a point in my life that I am now twice the age of many graduating seniors. And now that I work in an environment surrounded by the aforementioned youths, I am finding some alarming trends. Yet, I’ve been pondering this one for a while…see, I started back in 2008 when I was attempting to get back into writing (this does not bode well for this to be a continuous venture, if history says anything about my dedication to the medium of writing). So bare with me as I take you back to my first attempt and try to pick it up 4 ½ years later, although much of it still applies…

I know, I know, it has been a while…a long while. Hey, it’s me, you know me. I haven’t changed much, same venue - different room. I’ve been thinking lately, that’s what abnormal amounts of quiet will do to you (that’s why you need to turn the music up loud kids). I’ve got a lot of things on my mind and I needed to reach in there and scoop it out like ice cream - I’ll let you add your own toppings

I figured all my ramblings couldn’t be encapsulated into a single, all-encompassing blog, but I think I might have come up with a theme, it might be a stretch, hang in there with me, hope you are flexible.

So here we are, still in the 0’s but almost out into those fun teen years,’08 to be more precise (at least I hope to be done with thing before the end of the year). Life and technology are moving faster than anyone can keep up with (yes, even you). No amount of doping or HGH will help you keep pace. I have come to observe that even the separation of a few years can greatly characterize where we are in our social interactions. Using myself as an example, and I always assume that I am the norm, deal, I graduated high school in the mid-90’s, attended college thereafter. During that time, the interwebs was coming of age to the general public, beginning in the academic arena. I had access to Netscape, newsgroups, and the beginning of what we called the world wide web (the www for those of you who didn’t know why we have to type that in front of our web address). My major form of communication in college was e-mail (see here for more info). Upon graduation I got my first cell phone (still have the same # I was first issued amazingly enough) and used it sparingly to call friends and family (again, see above link).

…so its now 2012, see much of the above still does applies, sadly. And yes, I still have the same phone number…hit me up! (the end of that sentence just shows you how out of touch I am with the new breed of teenagers) Obviously I did not finish that train of thought at the time, thus is sat on the shelf, collecting dust, allowing time pass, allowing more technology to be invented, and widening the gap between past and present. With technology developing at such an exponential rate, a lot has changed in that time. But with any advances in technology, and far too often, societal changes are not considered for the sake of greater laziness. I’m this has been believed since our grandfathers’ grandfathers experienced life with electricity for the first time, “these elevators are going to make these kids all fat and lazy.” If they only knew how right they were. Thus the reason why I am calling this my old man rant. Now, picking up where my ’08 self left off…

‘12, not yet a teen but in that awkward stage of development when you start noticing “those changes”. I can’t even imagine what life must be like for the youth of today, and I interact with them on a daily basis. One thing is for sure, their cell phones are firmly implanted to their person. If desire is the aspiration of progress, then you’ll be seeing Bluetooth contacts with a heads-up displace of cell phone screens in the not too distant future. (helps that I have already implanted suggested that idea to my student) I crossed out implanted because in the future they are going to implant microchips into our brains so can remember things. Which is a good thing because I read some where that access to all these search engines, looking up information instantaneously, is causing our long term memories to shrink. Until that is accomplished there’s a chance that my students won’t remember my suggestion and we’ll remain left with young, distracted danger-mobiles on our American roads. Let’s hope we all make it out of our teen years.

Don’t get me wrong, many of these advances have provided our population with improved quality of life, longer lives, easier lives, allowing us to do other things with our lives. However, much to the detriment to society, some of these technological advances can create unintended side effects. And if you don’t see the rise in popularity of zombie-themed pop-culture productions as a metaphor for our mindless dependence on technology, then maybe you are one yourself. And that’s today’s word.

Hiatus

I’ve been going back through my blog for editing and inspiration to get back to writing. Just like with any historical exploration, I’m finding how much I have changed, and now much I have not. I still employ the same, overused run-on sentences with far too many incorrectly used punctuations and nonsensical conversations style writing. My most recent post still rants on cell phones, communication, and bad reality TV shows. Its like looking back at old photographs and seeing that same long-sleeve t-shirt you are currently wears as you are viewing the photograph (see, nonsensical). Also, apparently, I still use parentheses to make aside comments, but isn’t that there purpose?

Now, what has changed? Well, marriage, house, car, nephews, job, friends, co-workers (not necessarily in that order). I don’t play as many video games. There are new TV shows to disdain, new music to live my life to, new knowledge to draw from, more pop culture to reference, and better technology to love and hate. So, even if it has all been done before, it will at least be different because the times have changed. And, heck, the classics are classic because they are classic.

I’ve been holding back on rewriting some of my old posts, even if 5 years have past and updates might make them more relevant to today, but that’s the beauty of the internet, anything up there can survive forever. Yes, it would help if the post were read at the time of posting and had a better understanding of the references, but that’s what made them timely and topical. So, feel free to go back and read some historical (2007), event driving posts. Some of the humor may be lost but the commentary is still relevant, in my opinion (imo – for you 2012ers) However, if you do plan on clicking through the history of my whimsically spastic rants, I would recommend starting from the beginning to understand my ongoing mental stream of thought.

And yes, I am working my way back through to fix any grammatical errors, actually, they are more like omissions than grammatical errors. Sometimes my brain works faster than I type, or my fingers type without consulting my brain. Maybe that is why my sociology professor at UVa questioned why I was even admitted at all…probably doesn’t help that I never re-read my own shit. I guess that’s why I teach it to my students – don’t make the same mistakes I did (and still do). Let that be a lesson for you all.

Hello, 2007, it's me, 2012.

I step out into the cold, turn up my collar to the brisk wind that swirls in this barren wasteland of modern life. It’s the year, 2012 anno domini – and in this futuristic landscape you’ll find images that would be unrecognizable to my younger eyes, things only a sci-fi film of 2007 could create with computer generated effects. As I look around with amazed bewilderment I see people staring at small, portable devices with screens that emanate bright colors and sounds, unable to tear themselves away long enough even to acknowledge the traffic that is also not acknowledging them as they walk across – what is now seen as a loose interpretation of an intersection (see, in the future, for most, laws are mere suggestions). Well, citizens of 2007, I write to you from the future, a time spiraling out of control toward a vast and powerful worm-hole of technology, greed, and divisiveness. Speaking of…

Politics

Hey, you remember all those movies that were set in “the future” and you knew that because the President of the U.S. was black (it is ok to say black now, as appose to African-American because most black people don’t want to be lumped in with actual African-American – immigrants from Africa. How futuristic is that?!?). Well, the future is here my friends…Barack Obama was elected as the first black president (well, half-black, but it’s a step in the right direction). He was also the first black president to get re-elected, not bad for first timer. And in those movies, the Presidents had to deal with some kind of natural apocalypse threatening to put major cities under water or in a snow-covered wasteland? Well, that almost happened (see “Superstorm Sandy”, even the name conjures up a Roland Emmerich / Jerry Bruckheimer -esque flicks) Some blame the destruction on NYC and NJ on their liberal debauchery and secular tendencies…I blame Snooki and “The Situation” for being, well, Snooki and “The Situation” - that and global warming, speaking of…

Technology

The aforementioned and often commented on cell phone addiction has exponentially worsened. As predicted by yours truly, cellular devices have replaced actually human interaction. Remember when your phones could only make voice calls and send text messages…well now you can ignore people in the virtual world as well, by using your phones to access the internet, check facebook (oh, that’s this site that’s like myspace but easier to use, and now is kind of unpopular amongst the kids because more people are using it…even your parents), oh, and twitter. Speaking of…are we supposed to be interested in what Kathy Griffin thinks of Dancing with the Voice Stars X-Factor? Apparently people do because they’ll emerge themselves in the digital glow of pixels while enjoying a meal in a romantic restaurant with their significant others, who are also emerged in the ambient glow of LED illumination. Speaking of…

Pop Culture 

You know those annoying reality TV shows that dilute your cable TV menu…well, imagine them on steroids…yeah, Lance Armstrong style. The Voice, X-Factor, Dancing with the Stars: All-stars, Undercover Boss, Kitchen Nightmares, American Pickers, Coast Guard: Miami, America’s Next Top Baby’s Daddy: Most Wanted Alimony Avoider Edition. I mean, reality shows that are on channels that have nothing to do with the content of the reality show. Pawn Stars on History Channel? Oh, and the so-called stars of these shows somehow make more money than firefighters, police officers, teachers, factory workers, military personnel…combined (ok, that might be an exaggeration). Of course, if we didn’t watch them, they wouldn’t be on. I blame you 2007, if we had just stopped watching American Idol after they discovered the only 5 talented singers in the country not already discovered, then we would have never gone down this shit-slide of muddled mediocrity.  Speaking of…

This blog

So those blog posts you added in that ancient and archaic year of 2007, maybe you should have done some revising to fix all those grammatical errors, what are you, some kind of uneducated 2012 high school student? Get with the program. Now, if you could give me some advice on how to find that great age of innocence, to remember what makes something humorous, and to find the time to update this thing more than once every 5 years.

2007, my memories of you are fading to an unrecognizable blur of faces and events, like ripples in a pond of time. Your bright optimism and sundrenched world have been replaced with dim pessimism and cloud covered days….wait, 2012 isn’t all that bad. It’s actually pretty awesome. Bet you wish you had access to iPads, self-parking cars, and holograms (ok, that one isn’t here yet, but we’re closer to it than you 2007, ha!) So stay tuned 2007, cause 2013 is just around the corner (if we are all still here – I’m looking at you, Mayans). Get ready for some not-so-humorous, often ridiculous, and definitely erroneous dribble coming to a sundrenched world near you.

Holiday Songs

Holiday Songs

Have you ever stopped to consider what is being sung to us each and every year around this time? As we drive in our cars to go shopping, as we shop in over priced stores, while we pay for those over priced items, while we drive to another store to shop, while we have coffee when taking a break from shopping, and while getting over priced gas to go do more shopping. Well, if you never wondered, here’s what you’ve been missing and what is being taught to your children preparing for those holiday pageants and plays…

Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer:
Seriously, this is the song that got me started down this road. I mean, have you listened to this song?? Basically it is telling us it is ok to discriminate against someone or something because it is different…until you have a good use for it. “All of the other reindeer use to laugh and call him names…” because he had a shiny nose, i.e. he was physically different from the others. “Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say, Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide our sleigh tonight…” Well, you are now useful so we’ll put you to work. “Then how all the reindeer loved him…”, hey you can actually do something useful, we’ll except you! Don’t worry about us making fun of you before, it’s all good now. I mean, c'mon!

Frosty the Snow Man:
Basically Frosty is about death and unlawfulness. So a snowman comes to life – clearly witchery – then plays with the children? A jolly happy snowman? Hmm..right. “Thumpetty thump thump, look at frosty go.” Second verse, this snowman isn’t without flaws. He will eventually “die” (melt) but before he does, let’s go laugh at the establishment, ignore traffic laws, and swear our vengeance. “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again some day.” Sounds like a bad horror flick were the villain just keeps coming back in the sequels.

Holly Jolly Christmas
This song is rife with promiscuity and alcoholic beverage promotion. 16 lines of hollies and jollies, cups of cheer, and mistletoe induced kissing. And just say hello to everyone you meet, why not? Invite unnecessary confrontations with random vagrants on the street, yeah, good idea. While you are at it, take them home and kiss them under the mistletoe, real holly and jolly.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Do I really need to explain this one to you? Adulterous winch. Apparently this song was written in 1952 and I blame all feminist movements of the 60s, 70s, and 80s on this very song.

Jingle Bells
Some songs hide their debauchery in rarely sung verses. Case in point, an innocent sleigh ride turns into a haunting accident, “I went out on the snow and on my back I fell / A gent was riding by in a one-horse open sleigh / He laughed as there I sprawling lie / But quickly drove away.” That’s just wrong, its like driving by a car accident scene and laughing at the bodies that were thrown from the car, who does that?!? Oh, and least I mention what our jolly rider was heading to – “I thought I’d take a ride, and soon Miss Fanny Bright was seated by my side” – and now cut to later that eve – “Go it while you’re young, take the girls tonight and sing this sleighing song”

Let it Snow
Who knew that saying goodbye could be a euphemism? “The fire is slowly dying / And, my dear, we’re still good-bye-ing / But as long as you love me so / Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow”

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
I’m pretty sure this is the basis for the current (Bush) administration’s wiretapping policy. “He’s making a list / and checking it twice / Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.” Oh, and talk about conformity and persuasion of kids to be “good.” I think you get where I’m going with this

The Christmas Song
An obviously drug induced hallucination in lyrical form. “Jack Frost nipping at your nose”? “folks dressed up like Eskimos”? “Tiny tots wit their eyes all aglow”? If Mel Torme wasn’t high on something while writing this song then I need whatever he had for dinner that night ‘cause I’m running out of ideas for blog posts.

Lyrics found at: http://www.nevada.edu/~blake/Christmas.songs.html