Armchair Traveler

**(disclaimer: this is a work of sarcasm, comments and opinions found in this post do not reflect that of the actually writer himself or any of his subsidiary affiliates [think Steve Colbert])**

Listen, I may be one of the last individuals you would find camouflage covered, cowboy hat wearing, Bon Jovi lovin’, wrapped in the red, white, and blue patriot of the U.S., but I will never complain about the benefits of being an American citizen: Unfettered access to the internet can take me to anywhere I want to go or find any information I need about any other country on Earth. 24-hour news and cable channels beaming me images via satellites from remote parts of the world that I will never have the opportunity to be shot at, mauled by a panther, or dodge poisonous darts.

Thankfully we have such great news outlets like Fox News to deliver non-bias, unfiltered, informative, factual information. How can the BBC know what information is best and most pertinent for Americans if they aren’t even in America? Who else could report the hard hitting facts on the wonderful job that the current administration is doing except those who use to work for the father of the leader of the current administration?

In my still relatively short life time, one that I should point out has not seen me live for any period of time more than 70 miles from my place of birth, I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet individuals from around the world. Why would I ever need to travel to places like France, Germany, Russia, Armenia, Hong Kong, China? I get all the authentic culture I need from my English speaking foreign friends. I know how to say “hello” and “how are you” in 7 languages, if any more than that is needed to be said then they can speak American to me.

Some people call America the world’s “Big Brother” but who else is going to watch all those countries who are trying to usurp power away from America? Imagine Klafalagastan was your little sister and she was trying to become head cheerleader at her school, Earth HS. To do this, she must establish nuclear power plants to power her stereo so she can work on her routines and heat her family’s one bedroom house during Klafalagastan’s -40 degree winters. Well big brother, feeling that little sister’s new found popularity by becoming head cheerleader would take all the attention off of him being star forward for the Earth HS basketball team, should step in and accuse little sister of enriching uranium that she will use to build weapons that could hurt rival Suzie-Jo who only wants to have her rightful spot on the squad.

And seriously, what do we have to learn from countries outside of the United States beside that they hate Americans? I mean, it’s not like the French have a unique and highly logical way of electing a president that would remove inter-party bickering and presidents winning while still losing the popular vote. The Euro doing better than the dollar? Please, like that will be the day. We are the most powerful nations in the world, other countries should be following our lead because no matter what we do, even if it is wrong, it is right, because we did it. Why would U.S. automakers look at the German engineered automobiles for durability and quality? How would we get people to buy more cars if they lasted as long as German and Japanese models? It’s called capitalism people, look it up, we invented it, we control it. Universal health care? You hippie Canadian. Mass genocide in Africa? Oh hop on the Angelina Jolie bandwagon why don’t ya. Listen, if they don’t show it on Fox and Friends then it isn’t happening, why can’t you people figure that out?

All these immigrants aren’t sneaking into this country for no reason. Obviously they see what a wonderful country this is, why can’t the rest of the world? U.S. companies are doing their part to promote American ideals by building their manufacturing plants in Taiwan and Mexico. Cheaper labor is the cry coming from all those anti-Americans out there trying to bring down the U.S. capitalism machine. It ain’t gonna work you hippie economists…all that money is coming back to America when those workers buy our overpriced, high quality electronics…that were manufactured by them, shipped to American, then shipped back for retail sale. It’s complicated but I think you see the logic. American companies wouldn’t do things for their own capitalistic benefits would they? No, of course they would look to better the entire American society so give them a break.

So the next time one of these European back-packers, or study abroad supervisors, or foreign diplomats comes and tries to convince you to “travel and see the world” tell them you have cable TV, thank you very much, and the only culture you need is the American culture.

Now sit back in your comfy la-z-boy and watch the crumble of the western world right before your half-closed eyes…unless you are watching Fox News, then everything is fine.

As the world turns...

Drama, drama, drama. This country seems to be obsessed with drama. Reality TV shows rely solely on scripts that revolve around drama. I call it the “Real World” generation. The first reality TV show I can recall was MTV’s “The Real World”. We all know the story of seven people picked to live in a house…blah, blah, blah. I was intrigued that first season, you remember, the one with that rock-a-robics dancer guy, the closet gay guy, the comic, the drama queen, the aspiring musicians, the model, the guy from the ‘backwoods’. Oh, wait, maybe I should be more specific since that’s pretty much every season. This was the one in New York, again, more specific, the New York loft. It had Eric Nies, that singer who looked like Shannon Hoon, the stand-up comic, and the singer-song writer girl. They had the racial tension and the sexual tension…more importantly, it had the drama, and the benefit of being the first, laying down the frame work for all future mediocre reality series from then on: The Real World seasons 2-68, The Road Rules, The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, Survivor, The Amazing Race, The Real World Challenge: The Amazing Survivor Race: Antartica, So You Think You Can Dance with the Stars of American Idol in -20 Degrees?

Of course these lead to the drama-filled, edge-of-your-seat excitement, game shows, like: Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, The Hot Seat with John McEnroe, 1 vs. 100, Deal or No Deal, and the Golf Channel’s…whatever that golf challenge show’s called that gets you a chance to play in a no-name tour tournament. (Don’t get me wrong, I would love a chance to be on that show because there would be no other way I would have an opportunity to play at Pebble Beach). And let me tell you, the drama is oozing all throughout these shows. Most of it produced using bad editing techniques and long, unnecessary pauses. Oh, and the commentary, that gut wrenching, heart-string pulling, Barbara Walters-would-be-envious, commentary. Imagine if the World Series of Poker was produced by “The Contenders” producers (coincidentally the same ones that created The Real World):

It’s Day 1 of the World Series of Poker and at the main event, everyone has hopes of making it to the coveted final table. Jim here comes from Annapolis, Maryland were he lives with his wife and new eleven month old baby girl. After this tournament Jim will be shipping out to China and must leave his family behind, wondering when he will be home again. They live in a 2 bedroom apartment above a Sushi shop and must feed the baby leftover pieces of rice and seaweed, an ironic twist on Jim’s naval career. Jim paid the entry fee by selling his car, childhood baseball card collection, tapping into his daughter’s college fund, and some money he borrowed from what he calls “acquaintances”……………..the tension’s mounting as he goes all in on the second hand of the day…………………………………………………………………………………the flop……………………………………….he picks up a pair but his opponent who made the gutsy call, Phil Ivey, has a flush draw…………………………..the turn, Jim picks up ANOTHER Queen to a make three of a kind, no clubs for Ivey’s flush draw…………………………………….the River………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………oh, there comes the 3 of clubs, Phil Ivey gets his flush and that’s it for Jim’s dreams of making it to the final table. He didn’t even make it into the money, too bad, he only had 7,326 more knock outs to go.…From Jim’s dismay to Julie’s triumph! Julie picks up two pair and nabs a modest pot as we get rolling on Day 1….we’ll be back after this commercial break.

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Welcome back to the World Series of Poker where your life can change with one turn of the card…[enter loud, blaring theme music]…

Yes, the drama. We love to see pictures of stars have cat fights outside of LA nightclubs or read about on set bickering or romances. What is that? Brady and Moynahan are having a baby and they are not even together?!? Britney Spears lost her mind and her hair?!? Papa Smurf got a hit put on him by Tony Soprano??? Now that’s some drama. We as Americans thrive on drama, in our relationships (why? I don’t know), on our television shows (so much better when it happens to other people), in our sports (gives something for the ladies to watch), and in our celebrities (we love to see the mighty fall…and its damn funny). If only we felt so inspired about seeing the real life drama that occurs everyday throughout the world…and instead of laughing, we actually helped. But where’s the fun in that, right?

Procrastination

Procrastination….

I have been procrastinating writing on procrastination, seriously. I guess I’ve just found other topics to write on that I find more worthy of my time. But I have put it off for too long now…now that I have other things that I would rather not be doing. So why do I procrastinate? Why does anyone procrastinate? Well, those are good questions that I just don’t have the answers to. Hey – I’m never said I knew everything! See, even now I am thinking about writing (and probably will) a blog on Windows Vista/Microsoft. What is my problem? Ugg. Well, I am sure I am not alone. Procrastination loves company…it helps it procrastinate more.

In my case, I believe it really is a lack of motivation…maybe genetics…but I do know that fear is my biggest motivation. Not fear like in the horror movie type of fear…more of a fear of failure or letting someone down. This is why I am so much more productive when I am given instructions/parameters and deadlines, and more so if it is for someone other than myself.

And now that it is almost quitting time, I am back blogging…at least until it actually is time to leave - then I will finish this tomorrow...maybe. And what are the best ways to procrastinate you ask? Well, as mentioned before, the most popular way in America has to be watching TV, or movies. More modern distractions like youtube.com, classic gaming sites like everyvideogame.com, and …and I have been procrastinating this blog now for 5 days, its now Tuesday, stay tuned for further updates…

Well it is now Monday…two weeks later. Needless to say I have been procrastinating the procrastinating. Things have been busy here and contrary to popular belief, I actually feel that work should be done prior to their deadlines. Like I said, give me a deadline that I have to reach and I will get things done. Problem with that approach: poor work. I like to think that the work that I do is fairly decent, especially for something done at the last minute. And for the most part it is. What bites me in the behind is work that really needs more time than “the day before”. I’m pretty sure that whoever created this Universe back in the day was like, “oh crap, I have this project due for science class tomorrow, maybe I should start working on that.” Then go play some X-Box for about six hours, come back, take a bunch of matter and then spin it like a toy top, then ended up getting a C- on their project, put it in the back of the closest and forgot about it. (Let’s hope that day for spring cleaning doesn’t come around too soon)

The Universe being the Universe, I’m pretty sure that person didn’t procrastinate on their science project. Let that be a lesson to you dear readers. And I will bet our universal science guru also checked over their work before turning in that science project. Missed those black holes though but that’s much better than the few thousand typos I’ve made just in a measly 14 posts. If you want a laugh, you should have read them before I had my “editor” point out my mistakes, or you should go back through my old e-mails…or papers! It’s a wonder I ever graduated from middle school let alone an academic institution of higher learning! (The jury’s still out on the graduate degree, I’ll keep you posted).

And let me tell you, procrastination is a bad habit to fall into. Its like falling into that vat of liquid hot magma that finally did in the T-1000 from Terminator 2. Liquid Nitrogen? nope. Rocket propelled grenade? nope. Fist through the head from Arnold Schwarzenegger? please, the guy can change from liquid to solid steel at will, of course the only thing that will kill him is lava-hot smelting vat full of liquefied metal.

So the lesson learned here? To get through life one must not procrastinate, be malleable, have the ability to become tough as steel, avoid Arnold Schwarzenegger and excessively hot, liquid filled drums.

Be My...Bob?

Happy Wednesday! Oh, right, its Valentine’s Day. So why should one person get a whole day dedicated to them just because they were a saint? Stupid Hallmark. Oh, so it appears that it is for two martyrs. But don’t get me wrong, I feel the same way just the same. I mean there are 6 billion + people in the world, not to mention all the ones that have lived and died, why celebrate just one (or two) of them? I guess the idea is that we celebrate what they represent…love, which has nothing to do with the two martyrs but whatever.

So do we need to set aside one day so that women get to enjoy the reminder that their men love them? ONE DAY?!? Seriously, maybe if we, as men (who are under the delusional belief we run the world) could spread out the love over the course of an entire year, we wouldn’t have to drop a few hundred bucks on dinner, chocolate, flowers, and jewelry to remind our women we love them. Women - I will get to you in a minute, you aren’t innocent here either. So if emotional or economic arguments doesn’t work on you guys, how about one that really hits home and heart: TV commercials. Imagine a world devoid of television commercials directed at those neglecting men (not you of course) who will re-ignite the fire of their relationship by buying that $3000 diamond necklace because the rest of the year he’s got that golf game on Saturday, that meeting that ran late, happy hour with the guys, tickets to that game, another bachelor’s party for his friend who’s getting married for the fourth time. If we, as men, would drive the economic machine away from being focused on one day, the commercials would slowly dissipate and return to those adverts that we love so much…like that guy who works in an office with a bunch of monkeys, genius. So go give your lady some much overdue appreciation and keep it going all the way until next Valentine’s Day. Maybe we will keep them happy and avoid having to buy expensive trinkets to prove our appreciation and get rid of those subliminal dosed advertisements during our beloved basketball games.

Now ladies, you needy, needy ladies (I mean this in the most sincere way), let me clue you into something that you may not believe/know/understand. We as men tend to show affection in ways missed by most of your gender. Think of it as being like a T-Rex who can only see movement or Predator only seeing heat signatures. For most of you, we are like Arnold covered in cool, cool mud and standing still: totally transparent, when it comes to affection showing. Take for instance this blog. I am showing affection for you, as women, by offering a little insight into the emotional side of men, albeit a small side, we do have one. Now, as you may have noticed, my references to Jurassic Park and Predator may be lost on you, thus appear to be unaffectionate, this is how men work. On average, most men are unable to show affection by making references to “Bridges of Madison County” or “Gone with the Wind” – it is against our nature. If they can make romances involve explosions and fight scenes, then maybe. Men love things that are cool, like laser cannons, sports, high speed chases, and monkeys. So if a man includes you, ladies, into any one of those activities, in fantasy or reality, then you should take that as a sign of affection. For instance, let’s say your man takes you to the zoo, encounters a laser cannon toting mutant monkey which turns into a high speed chase through downtown then ends in a battle royale fight club type event…that might just be the ultimate romantic date for him. Expect a proposal in the near future. Now, we as men know that women express their affection in their own way, usually involving (in no particular order) a lot of crying, sighing, gazing, giggling, and hysterics, often all in the span 20 seconds. So do not fret, if we each show our affections in our own way and are able to recognize them in each other, then we can avoid any unjustified accusations of alienation or uncaring. Or that I live in my own fantasy world and watch too much TV and never listen to anything you have to say, ignoring you, not paying attention to your feelings, only caring about “whether that hobbit guy makes it to the volcano to push that ugly bald thing with the ring into the lava”…oh, ahh, just as a for instance there, not at all based on real life events. OK.

So there you have it, Valentine’s Day reform proposals. Try to make everyday Valentine’s Day, sans the over priced jewelry, dinner, chocolate, spa treatment – then everyone will be happy! Except for single people…where’s the day for them? Isn’t there some kind of Saint Bob de Accounting who died asking an out-of-his-league lady out for coffee or something? I hereby proclaim St. Bob de Accounting Day, now every 3rd Friday in August.

Monday

Monday. The day when it all comes crashing down like shattering dishes. Hints of the weekend still lingering strongly in the brain only to be squelched violently, like a slap in the face, and the reminders of why most of us dislike our daily occupations: The Necessary Evil. Imagine your face being ripped off…slowly. Wait, don’t imagine that, that’s not a very pleasant thought now is it. No, no, not at all.

So I am here to turn the frown upside down…not really, you can do whatever you want, but if you are looking for something to do to beat back those Monday blues…or as it was so poetically referred to in the greatest occupation related movie ever, “a case of the Mondays.” I am far from being an optimist; I like to consider myself an optimist for everyone else. So, occasionally on these days we call Mondays, I’m going to find something humorous. A news report, a video clip, a website, a funny observation, and present them to you if you need to paint those blues yellow…then that would give you some kind of green day, not the band, maybe that’s where they got the name though.

For my inaugural prescription against the “Case of the Mondays,” I will fill your heart with two adrenaline needles of humor. First some optimism: So I hear that this planet is getting warmer, ice is melting, oceans are rising, skin cancer abundant. My first optimistic spin on this is brought to you by a comment I overheard recently…”well, the oceans aren’t going to rise because all that ice is displacing the water already.” Um…I’m not even going to try to explain the rationale behind that one, but hey, the oceans won’t rise as much right? Continuing – so it is well documented that people become more depressed during the cold, winter months. Well, with the globe warming there will be less depressed individuals enjoying those 70 degree Floridian days in North Dakota. Spontaneous combustion during the summer months? Resolved easily by constructing air conditioned walking tubes. Now, as for cities like New York, Washington, LA, San Diego, Norfolk, Miami, Charleston, Boston, Seattle, San Francisco being under water? Look at Venice and Amsterdam…they seem to manage. What’s that? New Orleans? If they were prepared, I’m sure they would have had a big ol’ Marti Gras, so instead of rollin’ around in tricked out SUVs, the urban elites will be cruising in actual cruise ships. Minnesota Vikings’ party ship…that was just a precursor to what fun can be had in Time Square or the Former South Beach.

My next dose of humor will navigate you to a video blog site honoring our most sacred of warriors…the ninja. http://askaninja.com/ contains all you ever wanted to know about how a ninja lives his life, how he conducts his daily rituals, and answers questions such as: What to get a ninja as a gift, ninja award shows (The Bloody’s), and can ninja fall in love. If a ninja can fall in love then so can us non-ninjas, yes, that means you too. So navigate your way to the plethora of advice from the ninja guru (culture clash phrase) found at ask-a-ninja, and let those hands of fury chop away the cement blocks of Monday blues. If you aren’t feeling better by tomorrow after this scribbled prescription then seek professional help.

Friday

Friday. The day as arbitrary as Tuesday, yet loved significantly more. Why do individuals become overwhelmed with a natural high solely because the day happens to be a Friday? This reported scoured the city to find out. (best if read with an English accent)

Sir, do you have any opinion on why Friday is so beloved by so many people?
“Umm..are you blind?”
No sir, I am not, why do you ask?
“Tattered clothes, long beard, dirty…do I look like the kind of person who cares if it is Friday, Monday, Wednesday? …Actually, I hate Wednesdays.”
So what are you trying to say?
“The only people who care about Fridays are those people in suits, workin’ for the 'Man' in the concrete jungle.”
And do you know where this concrete jungle might be? Sir?

Undaunted, I ventured onward to seek out this concrete jungle. I found myself surrounded by buildings reaching to the sky, seemingly forever. Framed by glass and concrete…concrete, yes, this must be the jungle in which the kind, disheveled man was referring. I see natives in their traditional gowns of suits and ties scurrying about in all directions. The excited buzz of Friday stimulates the air all around. I approach one of the savages with caution.

Excuse me, sir, can you understand me, can you understand what I am saying?
“Ehh, umm, can I help you?”
Yes, oh, what a find! I am able to communicate with one of the aboriginals using a basic form of the English language, maybe he will be able to translate for me as we venture through this concrete world of buildings and black paved roads.
“What?”
Yes, that is the question. What? What is it about this day, Friday, that your civilization, your people I should say, that you find spiritual, if you will.
“Well, it is the end of the work week.”
Ah yes, the long time practice of labor, man and dirt, crops and harvests, iron and smelting, for months on end. This Friday must be this civilizations symbolic day of rest, the proverbial whistle ending a long shift in the factory. Now what rituals and rites do you perform on this day of rest?
“Um, yeah, well, happy hour starts usually around 4…”
Happy hour? Is this some kind of cult practice where one consumes libations and sacrificed livestock?
“Well, yeah, kind of, if you want to put it that way.”
Fascinating how similar cultural practices can be seen throughout the world in societies that seemingly have not contact with each other, like the evolution of mathematics, engineering, and architecture around the world at rough the same times prior to sea exploration.
Please, sir, continue.
“Then maybe we go out to a club to do some dancing…”
So after sacrificing to the Gods, you ritualistically gyrate your bodies in a spiritual and rhythmic trance, a symbolic cleansing of the fowl work odor…….then what?
“Then we go to bed and look forward to weekend activities, I guess.”
Weekend?
“Yeah, you know, Saturday and Sunday.”
So you rest for two days and start the process all over again?
“Yes.”
This is truly fascinating; I must investigate this weekend phenomenon in my next piece. Thank you gentle creature, now here’s some chocolate and be on your way.

Join me next time as we venture further into the heart of the concrete jungle and watch how these wild, social laborers spend their days of rest in acts of sport and leisure.

Bore-dumb

Boredom.

It recently occurred to me one reason why I do this thing that I do: boredom. I find myself going stir-crazy after 2 minutes of non-stimulation. I need sensory overload. I need flashing lights in all the colors of the world changing at the speed of…well, light. I need noises so abundant that my entire body vibrates with the voracity of a jet fighter flying at mach 2. I need my eyes spinning, jittering, bouncing 80 times a second that one day I will have to bob my head up and down like a bird just to see straight. Surround sound…how about surround vision? When’s that SV-TV going to be available to the consumer market? Imagine your TV viewing as if it were in an iMax theater…only with better quality and shows designed for that TV. They could incorporate the audience into the show…now that is interactive television.

What has fueled this onset of boredom in modern society? Efficiency, technology, sugar coated sugar dough? Mmm, donuts. Just take what we can do today in a fraction of the time it use to take the pre-computer age world:

-Filing taxes: No more writing onto forms, calculated dependents and deductions, rifling through receipts to see if you can write off the “spa treatment” you got on the business trip to Vegas.

-Video games: No more of that wasteful reading the rules for strat-o-matic baseball simulator (seriously? people still do this?), Risk, or Monopoly. Forget the wrist wrenching pain of dice rolling (you know, those little cube shaped things with dots signifying the numbers 1-6 on them? They’re still going with the dots aren’t they? These number things have been around for a while you know). Now we can use a controller to step up to the plate with our favorite steroid laden All-star and smack homers out of the authentic - computer generated - baseball stadiums. Who would have thought those days of Combat Games, Pitfall, or Baseball for the Atari 2600 would evolve into the sensory stimulating, virtual reality game-fest of today? Those old ‘board’ games could last for hours, now you can play 18 different video games in the same amount of time!

-Applying for…: Anything. Apply for school, apply for competitions, apply for authorization to buy supplies in mass quantities, “apply online now for your new low rate credit card”, no need to wait for that pesky post office mail to begin racking up massive debt.

-Break up: Uncomfortable with that time consuming and awkward “its not you, its me” speech every time you want to break up with that significant other? Well now do it online! E-mail, hire someone to do it for you, put in a classified add, post on your significant other’s website, IM the “Dear John” and consider yourself free and clear.

-Get your news: Wait for the morning paper? Why wait to read about that crazy Astronaut’s drive from Houston to Orlando? Get your info online, watch the pundits, talking heads, and her high school acquaintances psychoanalyze the situation from the comfort of your work desk. Although crazy Astronaut lady probably could have taken care of this all online, without having to drive non-stop along I-10 in diapers to meet the other woman at the airport….the AIRPORT, really? That one place in Orlando where the security personnel don’t look like Mickey Mouse and are probably more abundant than at the Magic Kingdom?

Just to name a few.

With all these technological advances, one wonders what did citizens in the pre-20th Century do in times of sheer, utter boredom. Sleep? Probably. Who has time for boredom when 18 hours of the day you are tilling the fields, pulling the weeds, harvesting the crops, grazing the livestock? Even when they got bored they didn’t do it right…next thing you know all the sheep are being attacked by a wolf and no one believes you.

So if you are still reading this, then that means you are really bored and I have done my part to help you through that. Now go find something productive to do…or find some other way to stimulate you senses with flashing colors, loud noises, and hair raising adrenaline. Then let me know what it is so I can beat back the boredom and monotony of work and everyday-ness.

Exposed

This recent and overwhelming call to blog has left me with quite a dilemma. As a few of my closest confidants warned me of the dangers of putting yourself out there on the internet, you know, expressing an opinion. Particularly for someone who will be entering a career in the public sector, and as important as the one I have chosen. Yes, you guessed it…Miss America. Oh, now that would be a funny post. (Speaking of which, Miss USA Tara Conner will be on Larry King Live this evening at 9pm)

See, here I had planned on writing a witty repartee on the pageant and male competitors but I feel that I must censor myself, thus not be funny, thus return to the true, underlying topic at hand: Internet and the public sphere. Miss America, or Teen Miss America, you know, the one the Donald let off the hook with a slap on the wrist. Well, I would like to think that Donald Trump is aware of the changing and modernizing of American culture. Kids, young adults, and even recent college graduates have been exposed to the internet since they could walk and talk, some even before. Computers and the internet are revolutionizing the world in ways that we can’t even predict. Just the other day, I was having lunch at a decent eatery in the area. The popularity of said eatery required close proximity to other patrons. Conversations were inevitably overheard (ironically like posting on the internet) and a group of recent college graduates were seated next to us. One of the young women exasperated on about a situation she recently had. The long short of it is, she used a phrase so common nowadays that it should be place along side the annals of such verbs as googled, or, well… blogged. She ‘myspaced’ a recently encountered individual and found some unwanted information involving a fiancé, yada, yada, yada. Other warnings have crossed my path recently from professors and relatives and here I pass it on to you dear readers / fellow bloggers. Anything – ANYTHING – you post on the internet, no matter how secure or believed private sites, can resurface in the future. Information, media, pictures, all can be downloaded, copied, stored, re-posted halfway across the globe.

Picture this, you are a 9 year old kid, you Dad tells you to do something cool while he is pointing his phone/digital video recorder at you. So you start gyrating and breaking off some funky funk moves in your kitchen…next thing you know little kids in Taipei are gathering around a laptop watching you go all weeble-wobble like. Eight years later you are randomly on vacation in New York City, walking with your lady and you see yourself on the big screen in Time Square and she breaks down in hysterical laughter. Then they turn it into a Cisco commercial…not cool.

Moral of the story my children…lock yourself in the deepest, darkest, devoid of all light and technology dungeon, with only books, musical instruments (no recording devices), and Tom Hanks movies until everyone is low-jacked and walking around in one-piece silver jump suits.

Balancing Act

As we all know, all things in life can be referenced to a Seinfeld, Simpsons, Arrested Development, or Friends episode. Trust me, give it a try. Haven’t we all wanted to be a mascot for a minor league baseball team? Gone out with that girl with man hands? Joined an alliance of Magicians? Been infatuated with a girl then meet someone else only to find out the girl you were infatuated with is now infatuated with you which causes you to get your second divorce only to date for a little while, break up, then get back together when you are like 45 years old and still living in a two bedroom apartment with the same people you did 12 years ago? Yeah, same here. Its like they were broadcasting our lives into our homes every Thursday night. Which is weird because they never showed them watching TV with a show about a group of Friends.

So we come to the concept of balance. As some of you may recall the Seinfeld episode where everything seems to balance out for Jerry, it couldn’t be more true to life. To put it in economic terms, in the long run we always return to the equilibrium. This could also explain the return of the denim outfit and square sunglasses, maybe that’s just the equilibrium of American fashion. That’s a frightening thought. What goes around, comes around, cyclical. Moving wave-like though, and I am sure there is some kind of calculus formula for the area under a sine wave that explains it all, but I wasn’t the best student in that subject. I was pretty good at trig and geometry…must be the world of balances balancing out my math skills.

“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable” – Mitch Hedberg

Balance is important. Yin and Yang. Good and evil. Right and wrong. Day and Night. Neo and Agent Smith. One cannot exist without the other and too much of one will kill you. Too much of anything is bad for you…water = drown, sun = dehydration, alcohol = alcohol poisoning, The Brady Bunch = an overwhelming feeling Marsha is always stealing your thunder that leads to a mental break down and intervention by Peter who seems to be the only person who noticed, at which point Alice comes in and discovers the dog is missing and blames you for not being responsible. It never pays to be jealous. Oh, right, or too much of one thing.

So as you can see, balance is a good thing to have in life. Financial, emotional, love, communication. It keeps us from spinning off into the universe or being swallowed into a deep, dark hole – which you find to be really big worm with teeth that just happens to be using your asteroid hideaway as a den (you can never have too many Star Wars references, oh wait, that contradictory to my whole point, so I guess you can). And when the down times come, and they do, remember things will get better, things balance, times will return to the equilibrium and beyond. Try to see the best of a situation and it won’t make the bad times seem so bad and soon you will be back to your old, wonderful self. I think this pertains to so many of you that this is intended for no one in particular. Maybe I am writing this to myself, who knows.

Balance is found everywhere in nature. Tides, seasons, earthquakes, air pressure, lightning…they are all looking for equilibrium. Balance wins championships in the sports world. Balance keeps you from falling off exercise apparatuses, taking a nice gash out of your shin that requires 12 stitches, while you were playing around at your sister’s middle school track meet. I wish I had better balance.

Welcome!

So since only 2 people knew about this prior to my sending out that mass e-mail, I would like to welcome those who may be coming here for the first time. Below are a collection of entries that come out of recent and long term observances, daily acts of humor and social commentary. I would highly recommend reading from the bottom up, as the oldest entries are at the end of the page, more recent on top. Simple right? Certain words are hyperlinked but you are by no means required to navigate away from this page, I have never really been a fan of people who do that but you have to just to understand the rest of the article/blog/whatever. Looking at my blog I have the sudden sense that I don’t have enough on it…and currently no posts pending, or even an idea in the works, which has me concerned…hmm. Well, I’ll think of something to yammer on about, probably tonight when I’m half asleep and my brain lets in all those thoughts I’ve been spending all day trying to block out. Ok, that sounded creepy.

Also, if you are like me and get easily distracted or become uninterested in reading, I hope to have nice colorful videos and pictures in the future. So enjoy, bookmark, check back periodically if you are bored, post replies if you so desire...and most importantly, I hope life is treating you well! Without further ado…

Chivalry Article

CHIVALRY IS DEAD! After a long investigation into the disappearance and subsequent discovery of the brutal remains, it has been concluded that Chivalry died of exposure to post-modern attitudes and egotism, an autopsy report states. First reported several years ago, chivalry had been reported missing since the late 1950s where it was believed the feminism movement, working conjointly with a retaliatory male chauvinism, inadvertently dumped chivalry into the ocean basins of the world. Eyewitness accounts at the time described the scene as unrelenting and a blur of “hippies, drugs, and rock n’ roll,” although the sources may be unreliable due to the distraction of exposed breasts drawing their attention from the actual events. Throughout pre-modern history, chivalry was abundant and ever-present, men honored women and women appreciated being honored. But soon after the great depression, reports of mass migration of chivalry from cities to rural areas of the country were being observed. Slowly, the decline of this fine trait went unnoticed by the masses; women began opening doors for themselves, men began to openly ogle the opposite sex without even offering to buy them a drink. In modern day North America, the rare report of chivalry spotting is on par with UFO, Bigfood, and the Loch Ness monster sightings. Authorities believe the death of chivalry is related to its lack of success in modern social situations. This quote was found in this news media’s archives, “Hey man, I’ve been, like, holding doors for all of these groovy cats and putting my denim vest around them and not one of those foxy ladies every offered to have sex with me. Not cool, man, not cool.” Nowadays, chivalrous acts go by unnoticed, un-appreciation like starving African children, if it doesn’t make you money then why bother? Agent Mike Michaels of the Chivalry Recognition, Investigation, Monitoring, and Extraction (CRIME) Taskforce who was looking into motive for the disappearance, and now homicide, of such a once highly thought of trait states, “We turned over every stone, followed every lead, spread out far and wide trying to find this thing…this thing I have grown to know. I have spent half my career, hell, half my life, investigating this case and not one clue can point me to a definitive assailant. But one thing is for sure, this high paced, ego-driven, impatient, think-of-me-first world is a clear accomplice.”

Will chivalry ever rise from the ashes? This journalist would like to believe so, but don’t expect to see it anytime soon, dear citizens. Chivalry, if you are out there, drifting through the foggy night, helping elderly ladies with their bags, holding doors for fellow citizens, sheltering another with your umbrella, let's hope that there are individuals out there who remember and appreciate your kindness and generosity.

MY LIST: February

February’s Artist: David Gray

Actually, most of you probably know David Gray, listen to his music even. Some of you may already give him the appreciation he deserves. I figured I would be begin with an artist that may not be such a stretch for some of you, and for those of you who are uninitiated into the beautiful, melancholy world of David Gray, you will be instantly converted. Another reason why I chose David Gray…I just don’t think he is appreciated enough on this side of the pond. In my opinion, he should be at the level of Coldplay if not past. Anyway, on to the music.

Most of you may know David by his U.S. breakout album “White Ladder” – a distinctly dark and brooding album with hits such as “Say Hello, Wave Goodbye” and “Babylon”. I discovered Mr. Gray an album later: “A New Day at Midnight” and glad that I did. Not that I don’t like White Ladder, but I think discovering David Gray has matured in his musical writing with each subsequent album. His most resent album, “Life in Slow Motion” is an example of perfection. Every song could be deemed a single, although the title track will move you like the waves of the ocean. Once initiated into the blissful sounds of David Gray, one can move onward to his older albums, “Sell, Sell, Sell” and “Flesh”. These albums are a bit more unpolished and un-produced, rustic in some ways, but are filled with David Gray’s hypnotic rhythms, husky voice, and deep, spiritual lyrics. And don’t forget to check out his “Lost Songs” album that contains songs worthy of appreciation.

The song that will change your life: “Slow Motion”
Other Songs that you must listen to: “The Other Side”, “This Years Love”, “Dead in the Water”, “Ain’t No Love”, “Freedom”, “Alibi”
Hidden Tracks (those songs that could have been overlooked but shouldn’t be): “As I’m Leaving”, “Forever is Tomorrow is Today”, “Flame Turns Blue”, “Nos da Cariad”, “Magdalena”, “Hospital Food”

Music Appreciation

Under appreciated music is a sad thing in this modern, pop-oriented society (see previous post for my credentials of being an amateur sociologist). Something can be said for some of the past, current, and maybe future pop talents, but what is overlooked in the media driven, idol steered is the true musical talents and innovators that redefine genres of music. I have been trying to compile a list of artists that I feel fall into this category and whenever anyone attempts to do such a thing, others will differ in opinion. Remember, this is a relative world and this is a very relative topic. So I have decided each month to offer my Artist You Must Listen To That Will Change Your Appreciation Of Music and Possibly Life Itself, or AYMLTTWCYAMPLI for short. Actually, we’ll just call it: Music You’ll Like Instantly, SomeTimes, or MY LIST.

Each month I hope to bring you an artist you may or may not have heard of, but someone you should definitely give a listen to. I will provide you with songs that I feel have altered the music landscape, or just plane built a whole new skyline on that landscape. I hope to pick songs that best represent the artist and ones that may be hidden gems that deserve to be listened to. So check back here at the beginning of each month for a whole new artist that - could - possibly - change - your - life.